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Slowhands
06-27-2013, 04:55 PM
old piece from another site ...

I was born a man, armour dawned with a sword in hand,
emerged from my rights of passage, willing to enforce His plan.
Sent by the Lord with lance, His world again has worn its chance,
now on top of my horse in trance, overlooking this torn expanse.
There's nothing but a floor of sand, no beautiful decors of plants,
not even Mother Nature herself could escape their whorish rants.
Nothing of war is grand, its burden, everything has worn its stamp,
the sun is now setting, and I begin to hear their roars and chants.
They begin to pour from camps, forever closing their door to chance,
I'm lost in a mournful trance, as the flames in their torches dance.
Set to enforce His stance, to the entire Earth, to every corner of land,
I will purify the wicked, to their soul, and to the very core of man.
Everything mortal is damned, as they now begin to form in strands
I feel the Lords hand, a final prayer,
...and now the hoards advance.

I unsheath my sword to all the chances they had to save themselves,
such the irony, as now the new moon reflects from the blade itself.
They crash in waves, rows among rows, full of their hate and anguish,
so many have fallen silent, as many more still wait to lay in vanquish.
He guides my hand, to be swift and sure, not to prolong the dying,
as it starts to rain, and I can only imagine now that God is crying.
Puddles form of crimson colors, thunder bellows in the storms approach,
such the washing away gives a sense of wonder in the form of hope.
There was no suffering here, even the wrath of God is kind and true,
He fades these horrid memorys from my thoughts, my mind construes.
Night after night I travel the path given, as He follows my strides,
such might, the demise of mankind by his own will, a swallow of pride.
Until a new beginning, I will be His knight, a reminder why they killed his Son,
and I will be the one to tell of this story, once His will is done.

Advocate
06-27-2013, 05:09 PM
Good description! I liked it, you had a killer flow and I like how ya choice of words throughout. I liked the title of you choose as well. Overall it was dope, had a good rhythm too it and I was never caught off guard wit one of your bars. Good content, but I feel like you could have kept goin. Make it longer next time, other than that good job. Hope to see more drops from ya!

Brian Bryan
06-27-2013, 05:09 PM
who was Lance?

Slowhands
06-27-2013, 05:15 PM
who was Lance?

a weapon lol

Slowhands
06-27-2013, 08:53 PM
Good description! I liked it, you had a killer flow and I like how ya choice of words throughout. I liked the title of you choose as well. Overall it was dope, had a good rhythm too it and I was never caught off guard wit one of your bars. Good content, but I feel like you could have kept goin. Make it longer next time, other than that good job. Hope to see more drops from ya!

completely agree, I wanted to keep going but at a certain point it becomes too long for people and they don't want to read it.

Advocate
06-27-2013, 09:06 PM
You make a great point! And honestly I didn't think of it that way??

Objective
06-29-2013, 01:27 PM
The storytelling was fluent, great choice of words along with a decent rhymescheme. The story was entertaining enough, kinda felt like it stopped kinda ''fast'' tho', almost as if it could continue for some follow-up verses, which would be dope as fuck in my opinion.

Overall I enjoyed the read and the only nitpicking I can do is that you used the word ''chance'' twice in the stream of ''ance''-rhymes. But yeah, nothing noteworthy, solid drop.

Keep it up.

Brian Bryan
07-02-2013, 09:05 AM
it shouold be 'Lord with a lance' then, terrible english, not my fault i didnt understand it, it's pretty unnaturally worded and forced a multi imho what, is american your second language or suttin?

Geno
07-02-2013, 11:50 AM
Based on this, I ain't got you beating hush, highly unlikely that it happened unless a bunch of sway gay ass voting was happening. Y'all should battle here in the ba.

Eŋg
07-02-2013, 01:17 PM
read the first 8 lines. super forced. good day.