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View Full Version : Championship: 8P. Topicaldood5 vs. 6T. deadman [Dead man champs 7-2]


Adonis
06-28-2013, 08:42 PM
30-60 lines

enjoy and good luck dead man TopicalDood5

Topic = no topic

You two must decide what you want. I pick, or you two pick at random and write freely. As tie breaker I vote for Random topic and you two have at it. But if you both want me to pick a topic I will search for something fitting and bless you both with it tonight.

G/ motherfucking Luck

edit: you two can chose to go longer if you want...but reading two 60 line verses is long enough as a reader yo!

Verses are due July 10th

Its 4th of July weekend and I'll be honest. Not sure how much time you should get. But if you guys need to extend until weekend to complete verse I will be fine with it. Just don't take soo long that all interest is loss.

Soulstice
06-30-2013, 09:06 PM
oh good time for my first battle of the playoffs

dead man
07-07-2013, 02:07 PM
my bad

im here, will post by the 10th

dead man
07-09-2013, 09:55 PM
check




I never knew you.
but i love you like a faithful apostle
like a recreated clone from data saved in a fossil
gave me a model, gave me a father, gave me a life
from a nether realm, a radiant light. angels at night
kissed apocalypse to make it alright, knowing the truth
was bitter like the moldiest fruit. hold your pursuits
stop the press. it's a mess, Ma was broken in two
Grandma was drunk, sobbing, telling me to hold her vermouth
only a youth, as a kid i didn't grasp what it meant
for my dad to hold his face inside his hands as he wept
lennon-esque spectacles fogged to mask his regret
ran away at 17 years old. then ran into debt
asthmatic camel smoker til he ran out of breath
i only knew the man who tucked me back into bed
never a man in distress. cold, distant, sad & depressed
i still remember the receptionist that sat at her desk
eyes lowered, apathetic to your cancerous death
a damp Floridian morning when we laid Grandpa to rest
i never knew you as a man, more of a presence, a sign
that my dad was not the oldest person ever alive
time passed, and the more i heard my relatives pine
for younger days when Leonard was fine,
the more similarities i found between your habits and mine
interests and compulsions where the patterns align
a doctor in his field of psychiatric design
until an alcohol catalyst spiked a rapid decline
made mortality shine - life is short and family is dear
sunday funeral, the casket veneer, acting sincere
the memories and stories cause a past to appear
but they could never hold a candle up to having you here.


unpacked this afternoon, nearing 2:45
stumbled upon a clip you must've used for your ties
your signature inscribed, cursive, set in a line
like a piece of time & space you left to prove you're alive
i held it and cried, sobbing, though i couldn't say why
it told me write a note to you, wherever you lie
like this little piece of metal has your spirit inside
going blind until i'm looking at the world through your eyes
you told me write a note to you, and leave it unsigned
because we never had a chance to say





goodbye.

Soulstice
07-13-2013, 06:03 PM
Beyond the Dream

i
We bore the ragged flags of our fathers, prayed for the past to be honored
In the killing fields where little lambs are dragged to the slaughter
Gasping in water, under the burden of a distant lands mythology
- Sodden, coughing for oxygen - to reach a higher caste for our daughters
We can whisper to her until we drown in reality - a cheap casket of dollars
Lady liberty keeps counting the casualties - find your place in history
In this dystopian squalor, post-draconian models of economy squabbles
Leave us listless, praying for victory - slowly building a legacy
For our sons until we fade to infinity

ii
The neon beckoning - the fabulous sovereign sex
Freedom's reckoning is a list of canonical deaths
Eyes glossed, rollicking applause for the icons we respect
Those untouchable smiles that orbit the populace
Leave us speaking of change but performing the opposite
Gorgeous and confident - eclipsing the flaming tragedy
Subtle whispers of corruption drowned in famous rhapsody
Hidden in a craters cavity - are gaudy golden meccas
Built out of our blood and our tears and our stolen sweat
Swiped from beneath our slackjawed stare and our corroding chest
We're frozen, content with the methods with which they're exacting control
Just pop the popcorn, light the j, pass the remote...

iii
By apathy or tragedy - we're all just drones in the madness
Babylon could never place soldiers to factions, and if we could
We'd be sure to trapped in a zirconium labyrinth
Stopped dead in our tracks on the path to some petroleum palace
Patrolled by a complex of profit on the war on the poor
Our destiny's cracked and left broken on the exorbitant floor
Our future ruthless pawned by the Gods in Louis Vuitton
Any sense of unity gone - we share a flag not a mission
Old ideologies have been drastically wizened - replaced by
more sinister sects & revolution is some old word in some old history text

We the people scratching at the walls of the abyss
Struggling underneath something that's impossible to lift
We the people blindly laughing, storing drugs in our armatures
Completely oblivious to the deadly hum of the harbinger

Adonis
07-14-2013, 12:50 AM
Finals are now open for voting...
Frank Red glare IamBenT Mike Wrecka Cereal_Killa Coup Split Eight zygote Nigma Vulgar Meth nO gOoD! pohfig King Ra. LoL... Xces Orc NYCSPITZ Witty Just Write Objective TYSON patrown Ink Genocide Camp Bell Atheist Zenland VERITAS Innovator

Good Luck to both you bitches! I'm better then you both will ever be.

Mike Wrecka
07-15-2013, 03:50 PM
nice battle guys. props.

deadman- sick verse. it hit home for me because I lost my grandfather and think about him a lot. flow was incredible. word usage was stupendous. your cadence just fits perfectly with how I read rhymes, some peoples stuff I have to adapt my cadence of reading to fit theirs but yours is the most natural ive ever read on the net. and this piece had something that you never really have an abundance of, emotion. this had lots of it and I really felt it. good work. problem is, and maybe im just not getting it but I don't see the connection to the topic here. and its not my job to connect the dots, its yours. this is a big minus imo.

topical- very abstract verse. I liked it. didn't flow as well as deads imo but it flowed well enough. I was hoping you would take the topic head on and put this thing in a strangle hold but you kinda just circled around it from my point of view. and the verse was borderline boring. sorry it is really well written and impressive. just pointing out a few negatives.

overall dead was technically better in all aspects imo but didn't hit the topic, topical did a better job of that but not enough for the win.

vote= deadman


edit: when I made my vote the topic was listed as unchosen. I interpreted that as the topic and my vote reflects that. in light of their being no topic it makes both verses appear much stronger to me. once again, thanks for the read guys. still voting - dead

Cereal_Killa
07-16-2013, 02:58 AM
Dead man:

Dope emotion my friend.. structure and vocab was hot.. story though only filled with details left an unanswered question.. WHO.. but any aywhoot dope none the less the rythmn and the descriptive lines of emotion come through at full ball.. dude this rocks nice one..

Topical:

Ahh holy shit, amazing like im sayen 10* of amazing.. it was completely topical n still blew me away.. the inelegance on the political areas you linked and explored where huge dude.. mammoth piece of art, I aint even playen.. Ace well deserved of a cahmp match you guys.. bith yall pz

Vote = topical dude

Huge battle, what a match.. titans unit and mashed it up, nice brawl guys.. cheers thanx for the read :)

zygote
07-16-2013, 08:25 AM
First it's strange voting without having a specific topic known, as relation to the topic is usually one of the major aspects to base each vote on. The writing from deadman was unexpected really, in the usual style but the content differed greatly. It seemed deliberate, there were no half-sentences and one-liner phrases. The emotional response it managed to elicit was great, don't want to appear like this is flattery praising or over-exaggeration but it was beautiful writing really. Everything contributed to the emotional effect, from the focus on the small details linked to the big memories, to the pacing with the slow revelations at the start compared with the later parts where more and more is revealed in a short space. Also, it was deeper than just a story, the discussion of the Grandfather before the Father being one example of the theme of the systemic aspects present in relationships. It was so enjoyable because it worked on these two levels, both as a story with a emotional base and also as a discussion of people on a interaction/relationship-level rather than people on a individual-level.

I interpreted Topicaldood5's breaking up of the story into 3 sections, as perspectives of 2 consecutive generations, this was also influenced by the title "Beyond the Dream." Interpreted section i) as the first generation, the writing indicating themes of struggle for a better future E.g., " - Sodden, coughing for oxygen - to reach a higher caste for our daughters." Section ii) the ungrateful generation, the language was markedly different from section i, whereas section i had a different culture feel to it, section ii was very westernized. Strong and subtle writing to show the difference between the preceding section " Built out of our blood and our tears and our stolen sweat" and this section " Just pop the popcorn, light the j, pass the remote..." Interpreted section iii) as the the meta-view of the entire system, where either first generation hard-worker or second generation "Luis Vuitton" bag enthusiast, the same system still applies. It was expressed really well the language like "Zirconium-Labyrinth" and "Petroleum-Palace" great contrasting language between nature and the man made. As a whole, the progression between section i - ii and the final section drawing both sections together was excellent. Voting for deadman.

Split
07-16-2013, 12:46 PM
I wish there was a topic. :/


dead man.
one degree of separation, strong imagery. felt very emotionally detached from your first 12 or so lines, was feeling it at the end and in retrospect

interesting piece about a familial death. bridging the gap between your feelings on a subject and your knowledge of it, and where they meet in the middle at the tie clip. it was a pretty good piece, not my favorite of yours.


td5/ soulstice/ Frank.
liked the first verse a lot. well chosen words. actually, just really well constructed lines. bits of truth placed in a mosaic of decline.

the three sections individually were fantastic, but did not stitch together very well IMO. they could be seen as three views of society's past, present, and future or whatever but tbh that ideology is so common it is not even a proper story. thematically, one big cliche. it was a decent piece but came off uninspired.


Close battle. each piece had its merits and flaws, I feel like there is more substance and lasting appeal to Dead Man's verse

V/ Black

Objective
07-16-2013, 09:34 PM
Deadman: Straight forward piece, the flow was superb and the story engaging. I would say this piece is pretty close to perfection as far as storytelling and complexity goes. This piece is something everyone can relate to in one way or the other, wether they're writers or not, you feel me? A lot of topicals these days only speak to a certain crowd, but this piece can speak to everyone and touch peoples hearts. I'd advice you to try to send it in some poetry newspaper/blog or something just to see if it gets published.

''a doctor in his field of psychiatric design
until an alcohol catalyst spiked a rapid decline
made mortality shine - life is short and family is dear
sunday funeral, the casket veneer, acting sincere
the memories and stories cause a past to appear
but they could never hold a candle up to having you here.''

^ This right here was extremely well written and I could feel the energy in your words. Shit's bonkers man, keep writing shit like this.

Topicaldood5: First off I want to say that I enjoyed your piece thoroughly. The choice of words and the way you conveyed your sentences felt clear but somehow mystic as I kept reading your piece. It was a message there, but I wasn't 100% clear what you truly wanted to say until the last paragraph, which ended up to be somewhat predictable but not in a negative way. I also feel the shit you're saying is important shit that deserves an afterthought from all of those whose read it.

I also want to say that I love this section:

''Those untouchable smiles that orbit the populace
Leave us speaking of change but performing the opposite
Gorgeous and confident - eclipsing the flaming tragedy
Subtle whispers of corruption drowned in famous rhapsody
Hidden in a craters cavity - are gaudy golden meccas
Built out of our blood and our tears and our stolen sweat''

But, I think it could have been even stronger if you had added an internal on the last line I quoted that rhymes with ''meccas'' as a smoother connecting transition out of your rhymescheme and into the new one. Beside of that, I truly enjoyed the choice of words and the lines in itself. It flowed extremely well and was written in a way that doesn't make you think twice about why you're in the finals.

Final Vote: DeadMan. I TRULY enjoyed TopicalDood5's verse, but it had certain miniscule flaws as opposed to DeadMans straight forward flawless written from start to finnish. Topicaldude obviously wins when it comes to choice of words and how he conveys some of his sentences with a rich vocabulary, but I feel his winning streak stops there. Deadman, in my honest opinion, had hands down the stronger story, flawless flow from start to finnish, strong heartfelt sentences and last but not least; A written that can be showed to ANYONE and still be great. You don't have to know anything about writing to enjoy Deadmans text, you feel me? It's too relatable and heartfelt on a different level than TopicalDoods verse. Don't take it the wrong way, TopicalDood5's verse is solid as fuck as well and I don't think there's more than a handful of people that could challenge that verse, I'm certainly not included in that list... Yet!

Hands down a really strong, interesting and dope battle. Looking forward to see TopicalDood5 & Deadman shine in several tournaments to come as well.

Adonis
07-18-2013, 06:44 PM
Both you were on some other level of flow and content for this bout. Nay, amazing bout. Close as hell boys.

I loved Soulstice' use of language in general. Each line, literally, each line had so much meaning built with calculated choice words. A true topical, such a dying art, about people and our "loves" or wants and needs. From reason for war to over glorifing movie stars. There was quite a bit packed into these bars with extreme depth, yet fluid enough to follow and not overly wordy. One of the better verses this season.

Black, this shit was dope bro, very touching and honestly pulling something this emotional off in my opinion is tough because it can read very corny at times. I felt you verse, all the way through. I have a grandma that passed years back but she was basically my mom so there's that conection. The flow was extremely high paced and hit hard through out. With that said, wasn't fond of the opening in you saying you never met him, then through out the verse explained different instances of being there for the burial and watching your parents cry when he passed meaning you were alive when he was, to me meaning you did meet him. Also, the corny thing I wrote, I felt you went a tad corny with the last stanza, didn't feel it was neccessary or proper, something else could have been added in place of it, but the ending I wasn't too fond of either

Vote- Topicaldood5.

IMO soul just had the better verse. It was written very crisp, read smoother and had more meat or depth to it. Overall better in my eyes.

Dope season boys

Chea!

Adonis
07-18-2013, 06:45 PM
4-2 Deadman

Give them some more votes girls

Adonis
07-21-2013, 06:13 PM
Meth

Not sure how many votes are enough. But my net access has been zero lately and might not get better for a week.

Witty TYSON patrown Innovator Coup NYCSPITZ Vulgar Genocide Just Write


I see you guys lurking now and then. Vote and make me a happy man. I will personally either vote on something of yours or give something feed. Just link my PMbox yo

Meth
07-21-2013, 06:16 PM
4-2 black

I'd say first to 7 win by 2

Vulgar
07-21-2013, 07:59 PM
dead man - Good work, told in the language of the Masque in Black. Your patiently laced flow gave this a smooth entry into the mind and interpreting consciousness of the reader. I've been told I don't have a complete grasp over emotional writing, especially when it comes to written verses so I don't have any critique for your own development. I feel like the verse could've been somewhat more memorable, with an elaboration on the sights, scents and melodies of the grandfather's life, not so much focused on the funeral aspect of it. Flashbacks and memories usually enrich a piece 9 out of 10 times. This was more of a meaningful telling than a lyrical flex which was a smart choice for the final battle. If Soulstice comes like he did vs. Sacrifice on PR when he had that H.O.R.S.E. verse, you might find yourself in the loss column, tbh.

Soulstice - This was cool but I can't help but feel like this particular topic has been attacked, re-attacked, then hung out to dry, resurrected and recycled over and over again. Sage Francis and even Sacrifice have done fast-paced analysis on the whole human experience hypocrisy / the end of our national sovereignty and Civil Rights, right under our noses. That's not to say this wasn't written with skill or legitimate intention, but for me as the reader it wasn't something I haven't read before. I've examined stuff like this under the light before, so while reading this I was looking forward to an illuminating thought or a beacon to remember it by. Every bar was pretty much deserving of the 'dope' label, but collectively I don't feel like you amassed anything profound to offer beyond the general lyrical palate. The ingrained idea to change my perspective was absent, unless it whizzed by my ear. I think the title speaks for the piece itself: "Beyond the Dream" doesn't really communicate a lasting remnant of unequivocal thought on the part of the writer. It's one of those very solid award winning entries of an art contest that simply gets lost in the file cabinets of more daring escapades. I think it oozed with accurate detail - I'd rather it oozed with some newfound viewpoint to open a glorious door.

Vote - dead man

Nice finals. Respect for making it this far.

NYCSPITZ
07-21-2013, 09:03 PM
Two ill writers, dope battle. I gotta co-sign Vulgar here. Some of the shit Soultice had in the Myrmidons thread could have toppled Black's verse but imo black came with the fresher execution this time. I was really feeling Soulstice's wording and ending but Black's verse had more impact on me personally. I feel like not having a topic is wrong because in all honesty I was feeling black's topic more than soul's at this current juncture in my lifetime. Great battle though, thanks for writing.

v/ Black

God Of War
07-22-2013, 11:57 PM
this is hard imo its like a personal vibe vs a written image

man

black-your story was real and when it got to the parts where you said you could pretty much see you on the same path of him was deep and kinda touching cuz it felt like you was realizing you was fucking up to. the story was dope man props on that


soustice-your flow is bonkers it always has been it always will be your piece was creative a little more creative imo but it was also more generic to me and with that its a point loss


as i said soul had flow but was alot more generic while black had depth and emotion i got to give it to black here. whats fucked is blacks seemd personal and personal always connects with people more


v/black

Adonis
07-23-2013, 12:10 AM
CONGRATULATIONS dead man

AOWL Writers League and Story Champion. Season 1.