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View Full Version : R2: Seymour Butts vs. Peter McPuffington - [Flawless Ass 8-0]


King Ra.
08-02-2014, 08:26 PM
http://i.imgur.com/48q0Ja9.gif



Verses are due Friday, August 8th, 2:59 a.m. Eastern Time.
No Extensions. No Exceptions.

Verses must be a minimum of 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines or 650 words.

Votes are due Sunday, August 10th, 2:59 a.m. Eastern Time.

View other rules: HERE (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=84794)


TOPIC:

Malum quidem nullum essesine aliquo bono.
"There is, to be sure, no evil without something good."
- Pliny The Elder.


Seymour BUTTS Peter McPuffington

Good luck to both competitors.

Seymour BUTTS
08-08-2014, 05:54 PM
Crescendo of Mars! Welcome to the sack of a city
during this savage, social wintertime for Maximus Leohny.
Prince disguised as a beggar - buckle up and pass him a penny,
in the city of Ufon Clux; he'll ravage you plenty.
Death of a father, death of a brother - the death of a son
Sonicklor, the king of Ufon had left him to run
scabbed heart, partially healed holds the lessons he's won -
as power morphs his Spartacus coup: the quest has begun.


Max leaps and seems to float to the merchant's rooftop
his grey cloak, billows ragged over the fervent hoopla.
Surveying the scene: swords and light lancers sever and sear
an undulating mass, grey vs black, dismember their peers.
and twenty stone throws away - the enemy's center is near
Standing strong, Max unhooded with a whistle to his lips...
gives the deafening clarion call - he'll bless 'em with a kiss
Grey cloaks fall to glowing gold -
and Sonicklor's men are sent to the abyss.


Ready to siege the fort of near unbreakable Phrobodinis Clay
Maximus steps swift to a crowd where a girl, sobbing is raped;
lightning fast - his swords take the head of Plotinus Play
and bearing teeth, whispers..."that isn't the Andromedus way."
Grinkor, shamed, steps forth with blood clotted on his face
Max's head swivels..."We'll do it later - demolish all the gates."
Phrobodinis Clay...strengthened by life force, evil or good -
Its entry price? A thousand men - it turns people to wood.


The clay melts to spiral stairs, black, that curl to a roof
stepping past Grinkor trees, facing Soniclus' burliest group.
Threescore Doublemen - the Galactice Front's strongest of troops
await Maximus (five thousand strong) to kill, wander and loot.
From a distance - light lancers strike! Any normal men would be killed
the Doublemen wear deformed masks - they're frenzied and thrilled;
bounding fifty yards at a time, they're bent for the kill,
air twirling with light scimitars, their penchant is real
for hours, the battle rages...then the tension is still.


Sonicklor steps down the spiral steps smiling with venemous eyes,
holding the staff of Ufon Clux - his ten strongest henchmen alive.
The blood red Sun - oscillates and drenches the sky
only hearing echoes...the ring of the dead and their cries.
Just Maximus left, bleeding from his head and his sides
guess he couldn't handle Sonicklor and his evilest might...
but as hope wanes, he takes out the golden beetle of life
Gold whistle, cocoon shaped for upheaval tonight
shaking with blood cracked lips, he invokes the powerful, primevalish light
when Sonicklor and his men vanish - deceased in the night.

The ages cover the broken steps. Death and trauma's irrelevant,
as children play on a field, in harmony with the fauna and elements
Evil's still one or two epochs away -
on the other side of joy and Nirvana's benevolence.



.

Peter McPuffington
08-09-2014, 01:23 AM
~The Tesla Defect~






Smokey skies illuminate blackness.
Each star hidden, a Grey tint is what masks it.
A dull night gone rogue, she's fervently active.
The first droplet hits barn-side disturbing its captives.

“One...Two...Three...
Not yet Love; Breathe....”
“Huh...Huh...Hee...”

A perfect storm sprouts from no where.
The darkest night made bright as a bolt slices thin air.
A single moment passes, suddenly, a booming thunder is paired.
Pitch black reversed as rolling crackles emerge.
A baby birthed; Nikola shines light unto Earth.
A boy poised, spewing moxie and worth.
He's cautiously learned as teaching a genius discerns.
Preaching to a choir is easy; rebuking Jesus is work.
Failing grades mean nothing when you invent power untamed.
A self sustained source by Earths grains.
Raw energy contained and released globally free.
Edison Electric is charging; Tesla creates a precedent pardon.
Currents harnessed through soil are a governments problem.
When charges aren't fees vaulting the bank.
Nikola was shut down by black balling of ranks.
Financial backers gave thanks but deserted in angst.
WardenClyffe was a waste, a free future displaced.

He unlocked many keys; Ironically power was sought.
Once power was endless, Satan revoked what he bought.
Originally offered Millions for creating this source.
Once accomplished of course, Thomas revoked his own words.
Tesla's accrediting works were shockingly purged.

Along with your free future
“Money is the root of all Evil”
Take Heed...

To these unsettling words.




.

Adonis
08-09-2014, 04:03 AM
Rise

Template
08-10-2014, 05:30 AM
ok ok seymour butts lulz name gives you an early lead in the voting. theres cool shit in this verse fareal deal holyfield. your style is like a throwback to open mics from back in the day with the fantasy elements and focus on multis and strong rhymes. mommy like. you kill it atmospherically too. I prob won't be the only person to say this but game of thrones anyone? right? right. obv compliment is obv. embodiment of the topic was strong too, more of a storytelling vibe to it so surface level representation of good and evil worked. only thing I didn't like was the names of shit tbh, which is weird cuz they help build the atmosphere but some of them were plopped in there no explanation or anything, like if your friend just rolls up to the crib and shits and leaves, wipe or no wipe you'd be like wtf? gotta explain yourself, even when it's a standard shit. that's just how I feel. this verse was way better than shit though, so I would've liked something to make me be like "Olga Gjoesulde, right, who else could it be?" ticky-tack foul tho, didn't make a difference at the buzzer.


Peter McPuffington slightly less lulz name but the allusion to a boner is def appreciated so its tied up now. Tesla gets cool points whenevs so good call on that. I like the painting of edison as the evil and tesla as the good, like yin and yang of electricity. very gewd very gewd. but idk, this verse didn't feel encompassing like seymour's. it felt like you were setting a stage for a while, realized you weren't advancing the actual story, and then you did a quick synopsis of shit and THE END. the story never really got nailed down into something, the driving force of the message felt stunted. could've been STUNTIN. but you just didn't cover enough imo, and then it ended.

vote: seymour butts

gaseous snake
08-10-2014, 12:50 PM
Seymour: Well written and crisp. So crisp it'd make Diode remark to your lack of BBQ skills. Luckily this is a battle of text and not pork. Smooth throughout, you have a strong sense of imagery and setting. The cloak flapping over the hoopla. A mix of Assassin's Creed and 300 #3: The Rise of Text. I got immersed in the story, quickly introduced to the players. The impetus for Max was given short thrift but that's fine and may have aided in the breathless pace of the piece. No qualm. The golden beetle was deus ex machina. I enjoyed this piece in spades even for its rougher edges.

Peter: Nikola Tesla, father of the brain, terrible dresser. This was good, different. Shorter lines but filled with content. The rhymes got better as you progressed. The genius discerns/jesus is work line was very Vulgar-esque, which is a compliment. You had highlights throughout. The piece felt a bit light to me. Not in content but heft.

Peter wrote well and there's no shame in the loss. Seymour simply did more, which sometimes isn't a plus, but here was. I was engaged in his narrative more and for that he takes the w.

/Seymour Butts

Richard Schwartz
08-10-2014, 02:32 PM
Not often both competitors drop the word 'fervent' in the same battle. Congrats on that.

Captain Butts - your verse very much had an Assassin's Creed feel. I think you could've picked a better name for your villain than 'Sonicklor' - doesn't exactly roll off the tongue and made lines with his name hard to flow. Anyways, an interesting place of imagination here. The story itself was pretty straightforward but it was dressed up nicely with your ability to capture tone and atmosphere.

Puff Daddy - I thought the wording was off a bit and detracted from the storyline... sometimes your lines had meaning that was hard to discern and then pulled me away from the story

He's cautiously learned as teaching a genius discerns.
Like, I still don't know what this line means "He is cautiously learn-ed" or "He has cautiously learned" (past-tense) ... I don't know, the whole sentence construction throws me off and there were a few instances of that... I guess the wording just seemed imprecise. That was my lasting impression from this verse.

Vote - Admiral Buttholes

Certain
08-10-2014, 09:26 PM
Seymour BUTTS: Not many writers can execute the complex narrative based in an entirely different world the way you did here. That's not to say there weren't hiccups. There were several times I had to reread (for instance, trying to figure out who Soniclus was). But you mostly made this a clear narrative and gave me good mental images. You didn't overdescribe but used words that I could attach my own images to. I liked that a lot, and I'm guessing that everyone who reads this is going to have their own images for a lot of these things. The pace was the key component. You didn't rush through anything because you kept the backstory to the required minimum, giving you plenty of space for the action. This was very enjoyable and impressive, good enough that with a bit of smoothing out and just a little more development of the backstory and clarity at the end, you could have yourself a truly great verse.

Peter McPuffington: I liked this verse a lot. It required a close read because the narrative was told subtly, and that made it even more difficult to follow than Seymour BUTTS's substantially more complex narrative. But there was a degree of intri***y in the phrasing, and though some of it missed, it added a level to a verse that otherwise would have been a fairly straight-forward retelling of Nikola Tesla's life. This approach to the topic wasn't quite perfect, as it seemed more like you wanted to write a verse about Tesla and shoe-horned it in. But I think the ending brought it close enough. You could have beaten a lot of verses this week with your submission, but Seymour BUTTS had one of the three best this week (along with gaseous snake and Template).

Vote: Seymour BUTTS

SlutMachine
08-10-2014, 09:34 PM
Seymour Butts - The first verse fluent and dope as fuck. I particularly enjoyed how the names seem natural and not just names that's obvious were chosen/created to make it rhyme. It was fresh throughout. Second verse keeps the story going and everything is going well, no fillers or excess shit, straight to the point and keeping a natural progression to the story at hand. Same thing can be said about the third verse, you definitely got a unique story going as well.
Fourth verse, your imagery and describing what's going on is fluent as fuck. It's easy to understand what's going on, and with just a few lines you manage to describe a battle from beginning to end without it looking forced while keeping a consistent flow, interesting and engaging lines and still following the natural progression of what's going on. That shows skill.

The last verse along with the closure were dope as well. I enjoyed the story from start to finish, and you used a lot of imagery following the theme of a mythical war saga to fit to the topic given. Loved the shit out of it. Well done.

Peter McPuffington - Dope intro, definitely got me interested in what's to come. Not sure what I feel about the ''one,two, three''-section.

Enjoyed the storm/lightning thing when you got Nikola Tesla as a theme for your piece. Don't really got much to add for what you wrote other than I enjoyed the verse as a whole, the concept was cool and I like how you portrayed Nikola Tesla and bringing some story into this shit along with names like Thomas Edison etc. And peoples intentions for using his creations reminds me about Oppenheimer in a lot of ways and describes the concept you're getting into well, the usefulness of inventions for good deeds will be used for evil if possible. You nail the topic here. Also got to love how he was ''open source'', wanting to and even inviting everyone to expand and improve his ideas. Cool shit.

Vote - Seymour Butts. Although I enjoyed McPuffington's verse quite a bit I still felt it kind of lacked the same depth and storytelling which Seymour Butts covered well. The story S.B. told was unique, flowed really well and was overall really well crafted. McPuffington's verse was dope as well, but it didn't outdo his opponent this time around. Dope battle.

Jhene Aiko
08-11-2014, 01:38 AM
Peter -- the fact that you wrote about tesla is cool as fuck. The part where u didn't go into any of his awesomely weird tests like the teleportation stuff makes me furious. I understand the angle which you chose to wrote at but it made this out to be a bland bio-rap with a touch of socioeconomics. Not the shit tesla deserved.

Butts - sick verse man. Not many folks can carry out a story with as clean of a control of language and rhyme as this exhibited. There has been my favorite submission so far and you are my favorite to win this.

Vote butts

Piiz
08-11-2014, 02:01 AM
both had solid storytelling. butts had a far greater and vivid vocab, and was very vulgar at times. peter took a fresh angle at this, used vocab of a certain nature/energy type of theme, and did work with it, just felt a lot of it wasnt as creatively grasping as it coulda been. butts brought a diverse skillset and peter didnt do any one thing amazing enough to compete.

+1 butts

Siu Mi
08-11-2014, 03:45 AM
Seymore Butts wrote a real cool verse most likely based on some kind of literature for how detailed it was with all the cool character names. I'm going to print this verse verse out and put it on my wall just to pine over my Butts shrine like perverted rappers do their sexual conquests. From start to finish there was a flare and sophisticated quality about this tight knit quality that made this a fun read even when I was a little lost. This was a cool verse and after being here a while longer I will know who it is ^.^

Puffington of Smoken Le Grass, England wrote a very interesting poem about the plight taking place between two parties over one object with two opposing perspectives and goals. Tesla is an idol of mine and a kindred spirit I'm sure. I think if I knew him I would invent some kind of device to steal his thoughts hehe. I liked this verse but it sorta paled in comparison to the other guy. I liked where this one was going but it wasn't nearly as cool but watevs. He still kicked ass on some level ^.^





Mr.Butts by far more than a hair.