R2: Jhene Aiko vs. Purple Puke - [Purple Puke advances 6-4]

[King Ra.]

http://i.imgur.com/48q0Ja9.gif

Verses are due Friday, August 8th, 2:59 a.m. Eastern Time.
No Extensions. No Exceptions.

Verses must be a minimum of 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines or 650 words.

Votes are due Sunday, August 10th, 2:59 a.m. Eastern Time.

View other rules: HERE (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=84794)


TOPIC:

Si vis pacem, para bellum.
"If you want peace, prepare for war."
- Vegetius.


Jhene Aiko Purple Puke

Good luck to both competitors.

[Adonis]

the peace in his head began

Silence amoungst the dusty presence, a building of lessons
A lone child in attendance silently weeps, lost in the message
In his mind the laughter echos, relentless bullies, ravenous
Teasing & taunting the young master & his friend, the abacus
In books the child took solace, his mind so vivid & fabulous
He imagined himself been the hero, vanquishing his antagonists
From worlds of old, the child grew bold, slaying dragons
Before hopping in time as an outlaw raiding coach wagons
He became many things, a gunslinger, a mighty ancient egyptian
& No bullies could ever follow him to the world of fiction
Fast, it became an addiction, his grip on reality came loose
The years quickly went by, the child became bitter & recluse
Now in his 40's, the man was empty, his soul an empty box
For inside his mind, even the boy in the library was truely lost

the war was over

[Adonis]

The Price Of Freedom



In love and in war a precedent for destruction approaches.
Whether in the clutches of slugs or a duchess exploding
the collateral damage can change the tone of your tongue in a moment.
To be humble is broken because the struggle is focused
in a battle field where you're running with Ronins.
Each warrior is a strategist and love is the onus.
The dilemma lies in the tact of the general.
Some battles are handled with the wrath of the sensual:
where the plan is to flash them the genitals
while parading around, clad in the sexual,
but holding back a full frontal mount and attack.
Others take the rockier mountainous path.
Mostly unseen, they slowly sneak around in the back
while setting up new bases and counting your cash.
When they unload their plan you'll hear the sound of a slap
and won't be able to sit still like they pounded your ass.
Some are pounding their flasks: their condition is weak.
The alcohol sips are a treat that admit their defeat.
Your friends are your nation and upliftment upkeep -
who hold the perspective of whom the villain should be.
Some people have no plan of action in mind or in sight.
They're dying alive and want to fight just to fight.
Some flank the enemy in the most murderous events
and get caught on purpose while flirting with your friends.
Most wars are unnecessary and unnerving 'till the end
filled with napalm voicemails burning off your flesh.
Even with aid relief efforts at their best
jumping on a grenade doesn't sound wretched in itself.
War trumpet ringtones are a testament to health
as your ears bleed and eyes fester from the stress.
Sequestered from the rest and bleeding: the victim.
Battle tactics gas the pragmatic fleeting contrition
as scabs pattern backs and grievances wither.
The relationship comes full circle in the fetus position.

Love we don't care to court, "If you want peace, prepare for war."
That's why people pay so much for their divorce.

[Adonis]

Rise

[Seymour BUTTS]

dope battle. Purple i liked the wording and flow here, good shit. Thought with a little more length and focus on the character it could have been a masterpiece, whereas you jumped around too quickly for me. If you picked a few fantasies and elaborated on how they morphed the character's life from child to adulthood it could have been nasty. As it stands I feel it was slightly truncated and jumped around too fast thematically. Aiko had dope wording and more linear conceptualization. The imagery was nice, delivery excellent. Good vocab and a nice, grand yet ambiguous metaphor for marriage and divorce. I was feelin Aiko more on this.

V/ Jhene Aiko

[Template]

purple puke ew gross name tbh. verse was good though, way better than your name. in a short verse you wrote a good summary of a story, makes me wonder how good it would have been if you spent more time on it. aiko was weird for not saying anything tho. whatevs this was cool, idk if you really want me to go in depth on an obv rushed/unfinished verse, but the premise is good and it was a clever interpretation of the topic, would def be worth finishing on your own time.


jhene aiko more like jhene idk cuz your an alias rofl but marriage as a battlefield was cool. honestly for the longest time I thought it was about straight guys in gay porn, which is also a battle I'd imagine. plus you said a lot of gay things like pounding your ass, full frontal, flashing dicks and shit. your gayness worked for you though I guess, prob not the first time that's been said to you. rhymes were good, some wording was cannibal AWKS cuz it was so akwweird it was eating away at the good shit in your verse. solid verse, good thing for you puke was dumb about not writing


vote aiko

[Richard Schwartz]

Puke - verse got off to a rocky start. Once you settled into the story like 5 lines in, it got entertaining. Every couplet was pretty fresh. Overall though the verse felt a little hurried but I enjoyed what was there. Very cool concept.

Jenny - I didn't really like your approach. The comparison between the war battlefield and love as a battlefield was tenuous and awkward. I'm sorry, but I was cringing through the whole thing. Duchess exploding, full frontal, pounded your ass. It was just strange bro. I couldn't get on board.

Puke's verse was brief and frustrating because it had potential. Jenny's verse was structured and fleshed out but I found it awkward and creepy.

Vote - purple puke

[Certain]

Purple Puke: This was a solid character sketch, well-written and paced for its length. My biggest qualm with the verse itself was the line with "empty" awkwardly used twice. The character was generic, but that made sense of this length. We've discussed doing a 10- or 16-line topical tournament, and I've put some thought lately into what the ideal format for those shorter verses would be. This verse would stand up well in such a tournament. Of course, this is not a short-verse tournament, so the genericness of the character does count against you. The ideas were not fleshed out, particularly the ending. This verse still was pretty good, though. You should enter the short-length topical tournament, particularly given your already-extant time constraints for writing.

Jhene Aiko: This verse felt very generically metaphorical, pretty unoriginal in both theme and delivery. The metaphor alone simply wasn't deep enough because you didn't humanize it all. You used a lot of rhymes, which was a little unnerving because your rhymes were awkward. For instance, "murderous events" and "flirting with your friends" absolutely do rhyme, but they have so many stressed syllables that they become very clunky. That happened a lot here, a verse loaded with complex rhymes but little cadence. And the writer's voice bounced around a lot. Basically, this verse seemed like a technical exercise missing the emotion and humanization required to hammer home the point. And the point wasn't all that interesting, either. With all those extra lines, did you offer more substance than Purple Puke? I'm not so sure. Your content was significantly more simplistic and trite. And his word choice was better, too.

Vote: Purple Puke

I don't usually offer much more explanation beyond breaking down the two verses, but I think this vote will be controversial. (I'm guessing this is a shutout so far.) Jhene Aiko's verse was too long for what it had to offer. Purple Puke's verse was more crafted and delivered more eloquently. Jhene Aiko had the clear leg up on text mechanics, but the verse felt very stiff and had mediocre content. I couldn't get into it. So I'm voting for the more humanized and interesting verse in a battle between two writers who both seem better than what they showed here.

[gaseous snake]

Purple: I liked everything to the line ending with 'fiction'. The last four lines were clunkier and less good. So overall, good. Needed a stronger ending. You told a story in 14 lines that another textcee would overdo with 40. Concise and interesting, if not overly innovating. A fun read, fun sized. Enjoyed it.

Jhene: This was also good. Had a mix of hits and misses. Inconsistent but leaning toward the hits. The ending was both too abrupt and too obvious. The writing was good, although some of the rhymes were stretched.

Weird clash of length and substance. Purple did more with less. Jhene wrote well but missed the mark.

/Purple

[SlutMachine]

Purple Puke - Flowed alright, the story was cool enough, thought it could have been longer. Still the verse was cool enough, enjoyed the concept of the topical being that the character you had in store fought an internal battle more than anything else. Cool shit.

Jhene Aiko - I enjoyed the first four lines here, it caught my interest at once. However, I felt it started to dwindle a little bit halfway through. It was cool enough for what it was, but the concept of love as a battle isn't really that unique when it comes down to it. The similies between the two that you put forth was sometimes great and other times not so great, but as I said; it was cool enough for what it was.

Vote - Purple Puke. Thought his/her verse was short, but I felt he/she did more with what was posted than Jhene Aiko did. Also thought the concept was better than Aiko's.

[Peter McPuffington]

This battle is very close. You both had slight errors, the second verse had a few bars that just didn't rhyme at all period. The first verse was too short and didn't feel as complete as it should have. Both had strong writing points as well including both competitors progression. I enjoyed both reads. I preferred the story of second verse more, but the overall writing in the first IMO was just a tad better, but not by a lot. I think if it were much longer it would have been a no brainer vote for me. But as it stands the feeling of reading a incomplete verse that left me desiring more is tough to vote for.

Voting Second verse

[Adonis]

PP + 1 in votes so far

[Siu Mi]

Mr Purple Bile of Fat Man Guts did something here that I really like and he put something human on display, something I did growing up when I would get bullied for my nationality and I really like that. Everybody needs slice and a safe place to get away from what ails them and that was cool. Relatability made this poem cool.

Ms. Aiko is cool so I had no problem reading this ^.^ seriously though this poetic angst-torn love epic was cleverly shrouded in metaphor til the tell was uncleverly unmasked at the end sorta. I fell in love with what it meant but the whole divorce thing, regardless of how necessary it was, felt kinda unnecessary. I hope that made sense. Anyways I really think this was cool. Divorce aside.

Choosing Aiko!

[sral]

Purple Puke - Decent verse here, way too short in length and that didn't help with your story development or progression throughout the verse though and it hindered your writing in my opinion. It needed fleshing out in places, some of the verse just seemed to be getting from A to B in as minimal time as possible - which can work in some pieces - but here it felt like you sold us short as a reader slightly, and it was all the more noticeable given your opponent wrote twice what you had. The last line was pretty deep of you, I don't usually like "twists" in storylines at their very last any more but this one was one of the more plausible and enjoyable. I'm more of a mechanics man but can still appreciate when things are done well, and this was.

Aiko: You were easily the better writer from a technical standpoint, the mecahnics of the verse were on point, reminded me of Oats with the style in all honesty where Puke was more an ill nik-A if you've ever read any topicals by him, only with less multies etc. Similiar way of writing though. I usually like carry-over rhymes and multi-strings when they're done well but a lot of this felt forced to me and unnatural sounding, I can understand WHY it's done, personally I'm just not a fan - which is unusual given how technical I am as a writer and know how hard it can be to do. It just felt like a lyrical exercise going through the motions, rather than building up characters or a situation I could actually care for and about what happens to those involved, it just didnt connect with me in that way where I could relate to it. The two of you could actually learn a lot from each other than would be mutually benefitial, one with his more natural sounding rhyme and verse and execution, the other from a technical standpoint with rhymeschemes etc. Complete clash of styles and writers voices. I'm giving Purple Puke the win here, total personal preference.

[Meth]

Purple

I really enjoyed this verse. Everything about it was pretty spot on in my book other than when you used empty twice in one line. Didn't like that but whatever.

Aiko

I thought this was written well. However, my attention was never fully grasped. I believe I had to read this 3 or 4 times just to get through. And that's not kt say it was bad by any means, just that, I personally wasn't quite enthralled.

I'm voting for purple puke.

Cool reads