Quarter Final: Richard Schwartz vs. Template [RICHARD SCHWARTZ WINS 6-2]

[Adonis]

http://i.imgur.com/YZ7VWnt.gif


Verses will be due Friday at 11:59 p.m. Western / 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. There are no Extensions. No Exceptions.

Verses must be a minimum of 10 Lines and maximum of 48 Lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by both competitors.

Votes will be due Sundays at 11:59 p.m. Western / 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK .

View Other Rules Here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=84794)

Goodluck

Richard Schwartz Template



Topic: http://www.joblo.com/audiofiles1/092808.wav



"Did you ever notice how in the bible, when God needed to punish someone, or make an example, or whenever God needed a killing, he sent an Angel?...Did you ever wonder what a creature like that must be like? A whole existence praising your God, but one wing always dipped in blood. Would you ever really want to see an angel?"

Prophecy

[Richard Schwartz]

‘2012’ starred John Cusack trying to escape the apocalypse
It was a box office hit, but the reviews weren’t positive
It had some raw effects, but lacked politics, all it did…
Was destroy metropolises to shock and awe obnoxious kids
It was based on the Mayans, how we drew the ire of the gods
And it got me thinking ‘bout life’s role in inspiring art
That’s why I’m proposing a pitch for a new motion picture
It won’t be an Academy Award or a Golden Globe winner
Cuz 2014 is the year where we need to actually pray
So my movie’s based on the headlines snatched from today

‘2014’ wouldn’t have explosions or battle-worn soldiers
It would have doctors in West Africa tackling Ebola
Hold up, I know what you’re thinking, so don’t try me
They already did that with ‘Outbreak’ back in the nineties
But they moved it from Africa to avoid black faces
And placed it in a little white suburb, now that’s racist
My film would expose the world’s injustices for all to see
Cuz Tinsel Town is all hypocrisy and that’s just not for me
See, all the Jews in Hollywood spout their activist mantras
But won’t mention their own people killing civilians in Gaza
I’d have Denzel play Obama, the prez who sits idly by
As Russian militants shoot Air Malaysia flights from the sky
There’d be a scene at the EU, imposing hackneyed sanctions
But the viewers would boo it, saying the film was lacking action
That's my movie... a smash hit, it isn’t destined to be
We’d rather watch Despicable Me or Expendables 3
See, we watch movies for escapism and that’s straight dumb
Cuz some people live in a world they actually have to escape from

[Template]

Blood Lust

outcasts. we’re out past any godly hour
cranked. the singing singeing of hot metal the call to power
brief immortality! the rising dusk of Valhalla is ours!
modern day Vikings, bikes ring through what the fog has devoured

the 8th straight hour of riding, 3am, a thunderous pride
with nothing but the road in front of me and brothers behind
chasing a lover divine, riding the scent of sulfur and mortar
blessed virgin - to penetration and the inkling we were headed towards her.

The gang met at her porch beneath a palpable silence
Angels of Hell. Lives enslaved to a cell that we salvaged with violence
To drink from the chalice of life! Rebirth in her primordial mud
Born a beast, I feast to become man...
Angel wings dipped in the sores of her blood

[Seymour BUTTS]

Rich urs was technically cool but the narrative was bland and lacked creativity to me. Def preferred ur last verse, shit was dope. Temp urs was short but sweet. Good pacing, great imagery, nice ending and great mythical atmosphere

Mvgt template

[UnbornBuddha]

Both had well written verses. Albeit Richard's language was more bland, lacking enticement. But it was very well executed with technical precision. Though the way Richard depicted his topic was a bit more mundane, especially with something so otherworldly. Ironically, though very meticulous in some regard it felt inadvertent. To give an image: The movie schematic was like a sour taste to someone with more of a sweet tooth.

Template approached it in a more predictable manner, however it still felt more succinct, and attractive as a whole; tackling the theme more directly sometimes come at the peril of predictability. But at the end of the day the reader wants to be in the same mindset the writer was in when writing. As if they looked at the topic and immediately the story of the writer came to mind. This resonance is almost a shamanistic approach, and I felt Template succeeded in putting me more in this state. Plus, I felt his writing was more on point with prophetic diction.

Vote Template
Thank you.

[Adonis]

I liked Richards approach. Well it didn't fit the topic precisely, it did in a sense. When you add to the fact that the rhyme scheme was just butter and the concept actually had depth...very enjoyable verse. The fluidity gave the read a fast paced action drama in my mind. I liked the points on certain subject matter regarding other movies. Overall I literally have nothing bad to say about this. It might have started a bit stale, but as I said, the subject matter was not just about nothing.


Template to had a good verse. Not as fluid as Richard, and shorter given his concept. The brevity nearly ruined it for me. You could have made this an epic battle of beast verse man, and instead ended as soon as you began.



Voting Richard

Overall had the better verse

[Zen]

Dick Schwartz: I liked this. Each line was paced perfectly and there were really no hiccups in the flow at all. The story was real, but it was told in a funny way. I dig that. People are stupid and love watching 60 year old men play pretend bad ass. It's sad. Back to this piece in particular, I really couldn't find anything bad to say about it. I enjoyed it forrealz.

Template: I could never really get into this. Your piece didn't keep me as engaged as Dick's did (no homo). It just seemed like a very rushed story, like you had something more in mind but halfway through it you said fuck it and dropped what you had. There was nothing particularly wrong with the writing, but there was nothing particularly great in my opinion either.

V/Dick

[Purple Puke]

Richard - I enjoyed this, a nice take on modern day events told in a way
that came across as both serious and humourous, I enjoyed the Outbreak line,
rememmber that film been advertised on telly. Overall yea, nice read.

Template - I can honestly say I loved this, but for some reason it just didnt
feel finished, acually made me feel a bit gutted that it abruptly ended, for what
it was tho very nice job.

Vote - Richard , purely because it felt more complete as a whole. Both top writers
but I feel template could of won this had there been a little more to there verse.

[SlutMachine]

Richard Schwartz - Enjoyed the first verse quite a bit. Nice intro that flowed well along with a interesting concept.

''Hold up, I know what you’re thinking, so don’t try me
They already did that with ‘Outbreak’ back in the nineties
But they moved it from Africa to avoid black faces
And placed it in a little white suburb, now that’s racist''
^ Haha, not sure if I agree with it but cool shit nonetheless.

''See, we watch movies for escapism and that’s straight dumb
Cuz some people live in a world they actually have to escape from''
^ Well, we all need to escape reality now and then, it's what we do in the mean time that matters.

And yo, how come your movie doesn't bring forth the TISA and the privatizing everything bullshit? See, that shit needs to be adressed too because in the end that's what's going to kill most of us.

Template - Short but sweet, but would love to read more. The shit you went for was pretty cool despite how short it was and I enjoyed it for what it was, but ye, in the end I'd still like to read more.

Vote - Richard. If Template had written a piece long enough to really get into he might have snatched my vote, but I'd need more in a battle like this. Overall I felt Richard won this and that's what settled it for me.

[Certain]

Richard Schwartz: Your tone, delivery and style here were very similar to Template's last round. I really enjoy clear, level-headed discourse in topical verses, and I don't think these approaches are common enough. Your take on the topic could be considered a little shaky, reminiscent of when I used street art as topics for a week of the Art of Writing League's third season and nearly half of the verses were about street art instead of the art depicted. But I think the use of evil in the world as framing could help justify your verse as it relates to the topic. What was most impressive here was clarity with which you wrote while still shining in mechanical areas. The "destined to be"/"Despicable Me"/"Expendables 3" rhyme was one of the most memorable I've read in a while. The slow start felt natural rather than lax. I liked this verse quite a bit.

Template: I've lately been doing a lot of thinking on the matter of short verses, specifically in the 10- to 16-line range. One of the keys is not biting off more than you can properly develop in that tight space. Another is that if you're telling a story, the action needs to be immediate. Those failings really hurt you here. This could have been an amazing verse told over 36-plus lines. But you truncated in an unwieldy way, and the content itself deserved lengthier treatment. I get that time was an issue here, though you posted 17 minutes before the deadline and probably would have been wise to use that extra time to flesh out the space between the second and third stanzas as well as the ending. The writing was captivating, and I was engrossed until I was unsated.

Vote: Richard Schwartz

[Siu Mi]

Richie valenz had a good-ish verse with an argument of real life versus cinema escapism and I felt like it could have gone deeper? Yea. The end line was good but more shoulda led up to the big shebang for more effective volume and what not. I liked the rhyming though ^.^

Stoned template pirate had a great idea and messed it up and made it all short and stuff and had me disappointed at the size :( but I enjoyed the bits you had though! I wish there was more to feast on because I love mythology and vikings and blood and stuff. But you were too short. So....

Dicks sporting goods wins on account of temp plates not having it all together ^.^