Round 1: R. Cormier vs. 11. timeless \\ Cormier wins 5-0

[Certain]

Welcome to Round 1!

The Basics

Check-ins are required by Monday, Aug. 25 at 11:59 p.m. PT. If you don't check in, you will be replaced.

Verses are due Thursday, Aug. 28 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday, Aug. 31 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Four votes are required from each competitor. For each missing vote, one vote will be deducted. Post proof of voting here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=90247).

Verses may not exceed 10 lines. If the length of a writer's lines is called into question, the standard will be 15 words per line, and verses of more than 150 words will be disqualified or required to be shortened.

Standard writing and voting rules are in effect. No biting. No recycling. Votes must be explained. No editing verses after the first vote or the verses deadline. Any other issues will be resolved using Art of Writing League Season 3 rules as the basis.


Topic


Blame Game


Good luck, Atheist and timeless.

[timeless]

Undressed me with her eyes, I was blessed with a dick the size
of Lochness in his prime. Just one problem : sex is a crime.
Stepped into her eyes with mine, bled my adolescent sublime.
Two kids with infested minds locked in the internet's confines.
First time we watched porn together was when we were seven.
That's when we made our first tape. Sold it at school first session.
Our lives were changed when my Mom found it. One year grounded.
Founded trust in Dad, who watched porn for years pounding.
During my year in the basement, my Dad grew fear, became estranged. Sick!
Mom shames him for my porn addiction. Many blame games adrift.

[Cormier]

TOPIC= Blame Game

The atrocities of war: pillaging, murder and rape
Have affected millions who did not deserve such a fate
Gas chambers, bombings, beheadings, hangings and firing squads
Carried out in the names of tyrants trying to be gods
Innocents displaced over the need for growing borders
Venting their hate of soldiers who were just “following orders”
Marionettes dancing their way towards the Final Solution
Inundating the ground and waters with blood; a primal pollution
But should we hate the puppet with the gun, constructing fear
Or follow the string from his trigger finger up to the puppeteer?

[Mike Wrecka]

On the phone so quick vote my apologies


Timeless had a decent verse but I liked cormiers better in every facet. He had some real creative multis in there that worked really well. An his story felt complete like he didn't need more than ten lines whereas I felt that timeless needed a lot more to really flesh out the story line



Vote. Cormier

[oats]

Timeless had an interesting concept about sexual abuse, more interesting than war to me. The writing was strange though - it wasn't quite humorous and wasn't quite serious in its tone, which I think was problematic because it never settled into itself, felt a little waffle-y. Cormier had a more realized concept and executed it better, just a notch higher with his diction. Close one, but I'm leaning towards Cormier.

[MKG]

Timeless had an original approach here lol in all honesty I was liking the way you started the verse when you said sex is a crime I was like ok! And my interest level was extremely high waiting to see what was next but when you said the thing about making a sex tape at seven years old you honestly lost me. The second half of your verse was a let down to me honestly. Flow was good throughout tho only thing I didn't like was the direction you took in your story which is a huge let down. Cormier came with a war approach and I felt you had a lot of phrases that were dope within your piece, some of the grouping of words were sick like the bombing be heading also your closer was worded nicely and the story was interesting throughout. So overall my vote goes to CORNIER I just enjoyed his verse more

[Pharaohs Army]

i definitely like the rhyme schemes in timeless's verse..
the ending i just found to be somewhat weaker than the rest of the verse..
perhaps i am picky but i don't like the phrase "my Dad grew fear".
and the final line about mom shaming him-- and the "Many blame games adrift." sentence-- to me seemed a bit uncreative compared to the rest of the verse.

cormier dealt with an oft-discussed topic of history, but it was a smart approach for the assigned topic. plus i felt it was executed superbly.
a build-up of quality descriptions & images ending with a question. i actually like the ending having a question...found nothing wrong with it, in fact i think it was the right way to go after what was said beforehand. good rhyming/timing as well.

V cormier

[Adonis]

Times verse was a bit weird?.. But was decent writing. I didn't like the chopped sentences so much. Corm verse was just a fluid read. If this were a longer verse it would have been ass given his concept. But given the brevity, it actually worked

Vote Corm.