Round 1: 15. Defiant vs. 2. oats \\ oats wins 6-0

[Certain]

Welcome to Round 1!

The Basics

Check-ins are required by Monday, Aug. 25 at 11:59 p.m. PT. If you don't check in, you will be replaced.

Verses are due Thursday, Aug. 28 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS

Votes are due Sunday, Aug. 31 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Four votes are required from each competitor. For each missing vote, one vote will be deducted. Post proof of voting here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=90247).

Verses may not exceed 10 lines. If the length of a writer's lines is called into question, the standard will be 15 words per line, and verses of more than 150 words will be disqualified or required to be shortened.

Standard writing and voting rules are in effect. No biting. No recycling. Votes must be explained. No editing verses after the first vote or the verses deadline. Any other issues will be resolved using Art of Writing League Season 3 rules as the basis.


Topic


New Day


Good luck, Defiant and oats.

[Defiant]

New day

My eyes tight, open with a line of saliva from my lips to my neck
Motionless, I awaken to your voice, your presence as it grips me for a sec
Flashbacks are hazy, memories are taking longer than usual, can I just rewind?
I mean are we still together, does our future have me, u ,....I MEAN us entwined
What happened to the last few days, how much did I drink? What the fuck did I smoke
Why are you just staring, no words, is that resentment, why haven't we spoke
There's a look of disappointment, anger with a plea equipped
Then a gust of wind enters, Now I can see..shit, the realisation finally hit
Yesterday I woke to breakfast n i thought we could forever talk
But today I awake paralysed on my left side with the news i may never walk

[oats]

Circles


Circles

Days move slowly for the tree, the reach of its branches
Has shaded biblical passages - pastors reading "ashes to ashes"
Too many times. Webbed designs of rings in its trunk
Equal the months the planet circled with a slant on its axis
Each season a new day. As a younger tree it creaked under cruel weight
Tears leaked to its roots once the man's feet couldn't move -
Traces around the man's neck, enough to prove he was too young
A single ring, from a rope. To trees he was reduced to a crude stump
But new days gave way to new seasons, from darkness earth traversed into light
Where the man swung from a noose his son swings on a tire - the circle of life

[Pinot Grij]

Defiant, this is a tricky one - I liked your verse, there's that suggestion that both a lover has left the speaker because they are now paralyzed, or that he is speaking directly to his mobility. That ambiguity is a nice touch. As a whole, though, the verse was a little choppy. The lines ran long and rhyming wasn't the highlight. If it was tightened up and more technically polished, it could've been outstanding.

Oats, this was very nuanced and pulled off soundly - the linkage between human life and the life span of a tree was well-articulated and moving. I think this was an easy winner here.

Gotta go with Oats for showing off more prowess.

[jilti]

Props to both for good pieces

Defiant, liked the emotion in ur verse especially this bar..

What happened to the last few days, how much did I drink? What the fuck did I smoke
Why are you just staring, no words, is that resentment, why haven't we spoke

Probably my favorite line of both verses and it was placed right in the midde of ur verse which is a perfect spot for it. Felt u could've brought a little more complexity to the rhyme schemes


oats, the whole circle of life theme was well executed (no pun intended with the swung from the noose line)
everything was on point. Felt like a "when someone dies, someone is born" type scheme


Mvgt oats

[Blanco Bishop]

Sad story for def. I liked it but oats was just grammatically on point.
Def had a few lines that ended like rap barz and not a topical.
Enjoyed both tho.

But for eloquence n flow imma go with oats.

[PancakeBrah]

Defiant:

Surprisingly good. I've never read a topical piece from you but this was definitely above average, if not just good. Especially this section;

"Flashbacks are hazy, memories are taking longer than usual, can I just rewind?
I mean are we still together, does our future have me, u ,....I MEAN us entwined
What happened to the last few days, how much did I drink? What the fuck did I smoke
Why are you just staring, no words, is that resentment, why haven't we spoke "

That was smooth and had great wording and pace, especially the first two lines. The rhyme in the first couplet of your piece weren't synced up. It seemed on purpose, that you sacrificed rhyme for content which is fine. Just tripped me up a bit. I didn't like your ending for two reasons; forever talk was awkward wording and rhyming it with never walk seemed elementary. Also, I'm not sure if I like the twist. It's fine, really, and the rest of the verse isn't too badly effected by it but I almost think you'd have been fine just leaving it alone and having this be a straight lament. Not a huge deal, though. Good job.

Oats:

Also good. The image of someone hanging, swinging from a noose slowly fading into the image a (his) son swinging from a tire swing feels cinematic. Something you could picture happening in a movie easily in your head. The descriptions and wording here were on point, as always. The synchronizing of imagery (rings on a tree/ring on the neck, aforementioned noose/tire swing) really wound this verse into a nice little knot for me. Self-contained, which is good for this format. My only complaint would be the first half of your verse (up to 'axis') was top notch in terms of rhymes with internals and alternating rhymes but the second half seemed a bit more restrained and standard in it's scheme and rhyming word choices.

Good match up here, guys. Defiant showed he can write. With his verse as an example of his skill I'd say he deserved a higher seed but in a tournament with this level of competition that's hard to say. He gave oats a run but I think oats' verse was just on a slightly higher plane. Thanks for the read.

v/oats

[NYCSPITZ]

yeah, got oats here. better wording and shit, dope tree perspective type of shit, nice DEPTH TO IT.

Defiant yours was cool papi chulo, just didn't match w. oats' GENIUS. yet...enjoyed the story very much tho homie. Just less packed into your 10, feel me.

mvgt oatmeal

[kannon]

defiant. my first reaction is, "WHY THOUGH!?" I get that it's supposed to be a REVEAL or whatever, but this shit has holes in it. and weird little contradictions that shouldn't mean anything, but when you only have 10 bars, they stand out. You woke up to her voice, but she's standing there silent. You question what happened in the "last few days" but then immediately recall what happened yesterday. And I'm not sure why the gust of wind made you realize that you were paralyzed. And paralyzed people still talk. Can you not talk? Why is the thought of you being able to "forever talk" an important one to point out? And why did you word it so strangely? Why could he not think of the word "us?" I feel like this is the first couple seconds of a much longer piece where things get explained later. But as a whole story, it leaves a lot to be desired.

oats.
https://dov5cor25da49.cloudfront.net/products/284/636x460design_01.jpg
You fucking jacked your topic from something completely different and tried to tie it into this one. I dont know if that's shameful or commendable. but it's definitely what happened here. That being said, your piece is dope as shit. Up until you forced the phrase "new day" into it. God damnit, I want to hate you for doing this shit, but it's good. Seems a bit dismissive at the end, "meh. circle of life." Also, a couple lines just didn't rhyme at all. And I dont know that I'm okay with that. But whatever. Clearly you know how to write. I know you're seeded high so I expected good things. Just know that forcing something you already wrote, or were writing, into some other topic by simply adding the words "new days" into your piece aren't going to work every time. I would hate you if I didn't like this.

votes for oats.

[Objective]

Defiant - Interesting verse, I liked it. However, what happened? Why is he paralyzed? Was it an accident caused by driving drunk, or what? Did he wake up in a hospital bed or at home? I think that if certain questions like these had been answered and more clear it would have made the verse/story as a whole more complete. I think it wouldn't have been difficult to add those tiny bits of information in here either. It could also be that this is his ''better half'' leaving him as well, but there's no real indication of a more abstract concept here to make me think that this was what you were going for.
Overall it was cool, but I felt like it lacked a little bit of crucial information to what really happened here, or what your verse is all about.

Oats - Really enjoyed the tree/humans/life in general-concept you were going for. You covered a lot in just 10 lines, nothing was hard to grasp or understand in this one. It got a rather dark atmosphere with hints of hope for the future, dope shit.

Vote - Oats for a more complete verse and better overall. Cool battle.