Week 1 - Storyteller vs Objective - Objective WINS

[Mike Wrecka]

Greetings competitors, we will begin with a small technical rather than conceptual challenge. DOUBLE LETTER WEEK, include instances of the double letter string you are given as your Specific Task. E.g., you are given G.S. – include word variants of G.S.: golden shower, grape soda, going slowly, google search etc. Note there are no required amounts, you can write as many double letter variants as you like or as little as you like. You don’t have to rhyme with each double letter phrase, or put it at the start like an acrostic poem, just include instances of it, it also doesn’t have to be the focus. You can write about anything you like.

Your specific task - H.K.


Due Wednesday Midnight WST


Good Luck Storyteller Objective

[Spoken]

check.....

[Objective]

Check.

Weird as fuck task tho', I like it.

[Spoken]

The odd oppression of lonliness

Fuck the metaphor this here is heritage in a box,
Fruit delved against each other to start fire; the rocks.
Cracked corners with lots emptied for space to do business,
No carpe' diem hit list for one's under the House Known limits.
A family vintage clouting psychological senses,
Pretenses of defenses that were never taken; relentless.
The masking was endless cause the scars ran deep,
The proud mamba w/ a jab that could have Goliath in defeat.
Raised to believe that power is the root of evil,
Sharp as a ginzu slicing everything you have been thru.
The pinnacle- a point that we never define,
Cynical; the purpose to elude ever grieving in time.
The seaming of rhymes forging a system with ink,
Stabbing emotional brinks to eclipse that dream in our sleep.
Menacing creeps, a scaffold that's manipulating the odds,
Calibrated physique- a chipping clone of the gods.
Restraint W/ no clause- an offering as a Hopeless Kite,
Mending the wrongful right to steed and deliver a fight.
The wither and pried Held Kings random for nights,
Slithering pride down drains; the helping of a cumbersome knight
Homeless Kid, the alley way cat full of martyrs,
Fending the offspring; diligently biting at offers.
Kept writing of what bothered yet told of no farmers,
The reason he was a barn noble who'd feast on corpse for starters.
Since then he's been made as a Honest Killer of dreams,
The Lone Ranger who haunts during day to be seen.
The Heir Kremlin who wavered the future and in betweens.
The Honorable Killings filed but to never be redeemed,
Hidden kiosk behind green in the neck of the woods by the stream.
The lector of false beliefs by many who ventured back,
Delusions of what you thought was there is what lacks in proving fact.

Myths and legends are urban but 80% fend to the unfolding,
But never return Home Knowing the scars it could leave for showing.

[Objective]

The H.K. predicament

Henry Kellerman - a man whose soul counts sins to infinity,
lost his mind as crimes has always been within his proximity.
Thirtythree years old, wishing someone would diminish he
who whispers himself to sleep; ''please, come & finnish me''.

Violence surrounds this caged beast silently hoping for prison,
he'd turn himself in if only his other personalities would listen.
Harry Killerman is Henry's twelve year old supressed reality,
it comes forth and takes his form when confronted with sexuality.
After series of rape starring his uncles wicked fantasy,
he created Harry to physically deal with this on-going tragedy.
And his alcoholic family had to bury his uncle at sixty-six,
once when he was forced to blow he chewed off his uncles dick.
The crime-scene was sick, blood-galore as he bled to death in his room,
But Henry was introduced to his doom way before his uncle got a tomb.

When he was five he was the witness of his mothers death,
his father came home high as fuck and choked her till she was out of breath.
Dad got imprisoned at last, and Henry was put in his uncles care,
as told in the last paragraph there was nothing for him there.
The memory of his mothers expression got imprinted to his skull,
when the beast gets picked on the agression gets paid in full.
And the tension that releases the monster from its cage,
was named Holly Killerman after his mothers violent fate.

In a daze of issues he blamed the world for his mental state,
but he never wanted to take a life, so it was time to set it straight.
But Harry and Holly refused the path of stepping on the breaks,
so he put himself on a mission to give clues to where he stays.
Each body that he killed got HK carved into their backs,
he left a bloody trail and hoped someone would recover his tracks.
When they eventually did he was deemed insane as no truth is set in stone,
and he claimed that each of these ''persons'' should be judged on their own.
Whatever it was that him and his psychiatrist finally agreed with;
He felt his life was reversed, and his past wasn't caging his Kind-Hearted spirit.

[Spoken]

Open for votes

[Certain]

Storyteller: You had a few really interesting thoughts in the first half of the verse. There was some redundancy, but the examination of repressed emotion was worthwhile. Then the second half sort of slid into this vaguely described story that never felt concrete in any way and lost a lot of the themes. I tried to connect the two, but it seemed the closest I could come up with was that the entire verse was a view of psychopathy. A lot of your wording needed to be polished, such as "fending the offspring" (needs a "for") or "The Heir Kremlin" (which is a place, not a person). You two had a very tough pair of letters to deal with, and I don't think you connected in most of your uses. Overall, there were a few good ideas here, but my general sense was the verse was not properly thought through before or after it was written.

Objective: This was a well-rounded character sketch. The tone was kept almost academic, as though we were reading the analysis of the psychiatrist mentioned toward the end. The rhyming also was straightforward, but it was effective and kept the story reading smoothly. I think a more visceral approach could have befitted the verse with more of an edge, but I appreciate the academic distancing. My biggest issue here is the use of the challenge. Names are easy. Rhyming off names is looked down upon, and the same can be said for fulfilling the challenge almost exclusively through using names. There was no particular significance to the names, so you could have used this verse for nearly any set of letters. That said, it was the more complete, better verse in this battle. Had Storyteller deepened his verse a bit, though, I would have had to count the half-assed use of the challenge against you in my vote.

Vote: Objective.

[Rawn M.D.]

story - your verse read smoothly, and had a nice flow to it, but i was waiting for really connect to something. I just couldn't grasp what i was reading, till the end kind of. It just seemed scattered. You had that one segway from calibrating physics to biting at odds that was pretty dope, and had some nice thoughts, but everything else seemed scattered, nothing pulled it all together for me...but it did read smoothly.

objective - you took a fairly simple approach, but used it effectively. Your verse also read smoothly, intrigued the reader, and told a story. I feel that although u may have cheaped out on the challenge you're verse was just more complete and painted a better picture. I would say try to improve ur wordchoice though.

overall - I feel story executed the challenge better than objective, however objectives verse was just more solid in full. If story would have had some tying thought I feel he could have got this, but with that lacking and execution of challenge done to a mediocre extent as opposed to objectives minimal challenge use mvgt...

v/objective

[Adonis]

Mr. Teller - the first half pure heroin, that grade A dope type steez. It flowed seamlessly and moved along in a very intriguing direction. then you started using your HK more, and with it went your flow (slightly) and direction (greatly). I mean, restraint with no clause, as a hopeless kite"" makes sense and all, just not a good line in general IMO. The 2nd half was a bit harder to follow as well, I know I'm missing something because after a few reads still not sure what its about other then most likely depression hence the title. But with out the title, I would never have guessed that.

OB - so I never got a answer when I asked if english was your native language or not. But the grammar in this was bad my friend, really bad. It dissrupted my reading quite often...simple stuff too, crime "HAVE" always been, "A" series of rape amongst others. As for the story, good writing, but far from your best.


All in all this was acutally close. Storyteller wrote a tale of man who murders, as did OB only he explained the where and why a bit better. Tough vote, because one verse had plenty of errors, but as it stands.

I got OB winning me over slightly

[Mike Wrecka]

uppin over no shows. will edit my vote in here later

[Coup]

I got Objective taking this...ST had some dope schemes and flow but I could not be honest and say I knew what he was talking about..not a diss. Good read into your assignment though...objective came with something I could get down on...good profile build of a character, rigid but you kept within that structure. two good reads

[Split]

ST: awkward word choice jumped out at me. "Fruit delved against each other" simply breaks the laws of human language. It seems for every poorly chosen line you had a nicely worded parry immediately next to it. The pinnacle/ cynical is a perfect example.

"Stabbing emotional brinks to eclipse the dream in our sleep" is a line that bothered me, idk how you personify an emotional brink, and it didnt seem to reference anything, so it pawed the awkward line between imagery and figurative language. This is a recurring problem I have with your writing, you seem to use words in a way I've never seen them defined, so I have no idea what you're saying. I feel like I'm reading a verse in WW2 code.

"Restraint with no clause- an offering as a hopeless kite,
Mending the wrongful right to steed and deliver a fight"

I have no idea what any section of this bar is referring to. You cant use "steed" as a verb like that, either. Why would you offer a kite? What does a clause on restraint afford you? Is it some stipulation that allows you to react to entrenchment? Why do you mend this unknown stipulation via horse-backed warrior?

Idk. Your verse is a mix of provocative, introspective imagery cut with a half kilo of filler garbage. As often as your wording gives you a dope line, it phrases something so that the human mind can't process its intended meaning.

I think you either view your writing from a distanced perspective, and not see what you intended to portray with every brush stroke but what the unfocused big picture looks like. Or get someone to edit your verse with you and tell you "this was good, this sucked".

Basically, you show a lot of poetical potential, but in the same way as unrefined ore does in a rock. You have to be selective and process it into something more, as it is now I can look and say "hm this could be dope" but it is not right now.

Also you could've used the challenge more.




Obj- good flow and wording. You rarely used the topic. In fact, you didnt use it at all really. It was a pretty good story, I liked the pacing and it was interesting. You really copped out on the topic hard. Outside of two character names, you used it once- backwards. "He killed" would have worked perfectly in your story, in fact it's almost like you danced around using phrases that would've utilized the topic.


Everything in me says to vote for Objective, but Storyteller had an infinitely more impressive usage of the topic and I could put what you were going for just enough to give him a vote. This in no way reflects the opinion of the league. You are free to do as you wish with your topic, I just noted the topic heavily in my evaluation since it is purely technical in nature


v/ Storyteller

[Inno]

teller.

seems like you have a lot of ideas and concepts bunched up in your writing...it almost feels sporadic at times...and then sometimes you wrote these outstanding lines that showcased just dope imagery and cohesion. great stuff when you where doing that...but for the most part this verse was a bit wild for me..no real beginning to end type of story..more so a jumble of similar ideas put together..also..i thought you could used you specific letter a bit more...felt like you fit them in at the end just to use it...

object.

felt like you brought a more direct story..your word choice was a bit smoother and simply lead the story along where it needed to be...thought the character showcasing was cool...gave your piece a bit of depth. unlike your opponent, I felt you used your specific letters all through your piece and they seem to fit just right..they didn't feel forced or there just ot end a rhyme of get your letter in...felt line it came natural...

and that's my deciding factor..obj took the words and made them flow, connect and develop without forcing it..which made the read a bit smoother...good shit.

obj.