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View Full Version : Week 1 - Pent Up vs Rawn Macdon - Pent uP WINS


Mike Wrecka
07-22-2013, 03:32 PM
Greetings competitors, we will begin with a small technical rather than conceptual challenge. DOUBLE LETTER WEEK, include instances of the double letter string you are given as your Specific Task. E.g., you are given G.S. – include word variants of G.S.: golden shower, grape soda, going slowly, google search etc. Note there are no required amounts, you can write as many double letter variants as you like or as little as you like. You don’t have to rhyme with each double letter phrase, or put it at the start like an acrostic poem, just include instances of it, it also doesn’t have to be the focus. You can write about anything you like.


Your specific task - P.M.


Due Wednesday Midnight WST


Good luck Pent uP @pohfig Rawn MacDon MD Rawn

Pent uP
07-22-2013, 09:38 PM
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=9120
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=9111
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=9116

Rawn M.D.
07-24-2013, 08:19 PM
I'm showing

Pent uP
07-24-2013, 10:23 PM
PM Exercises

Partially married - partially impartial to each other.
Its hard - but how much harder than she wonders.
Partially marred by the sentiment of pyrolytic memories.
Powered by the second degree burn when she tries to give it energy.
Sighing, sinking, breathlessly from past pompous remarks
that pressure more nerve cells then allotted to hearts.
Pontificating mayhem from the slip of the tongue -
while wet whistles waft with whiskey and rum.
She feels her skin is undone while unconditionally numb
and panting maniacally to fill some wind in her lungs.
A gift from above? A release from serving her capturer?
Or an internally pertinent perilously personal massacre?
Prickling pulsations maul her fibrotic physique -
Mimicking the syllables that lied between his teeth.
A cry to fix this grief could make a rainforest jealous...
So she sucks it up as smoke engulfs the same boring trellis
that's been around her cigarette after cigarette.
All she has now is the glow of the phone to mask her bitter death.
A background fit for Heaven portrayed by her puffing puzzle
while her brain tries to work it out pretending to be a pumping muscle.
A cussing cousin accuses her of being too cold to continue
while she makes slights at sex-worthy sins off a poetic menu.
She feels painfully morose for wasting her time -
but unsure whats worse - killing their relations or escaping alive.
Each frame in her mind replaying scenes is reeling her in -
but every itching memory gets her picking and peeling her skin.
Her personality's malleable and creasing again
while folding closed even though she's feeling unhinged.
Looking for a peaceful something she can conform to her destiny.
Patternized moments in her pajamas mourning it restlessly;
Every evening she's squeezing a pillow while slowly remembering
how well her brain exercises her emotions with memories.

Rawn M.D.
07-24-2013, 11:59 PM
Poured Mimosas

Person Missing found, Post Marked to those with impeccable taste
Professional Master and gourmet body’s been recovered after several days
Last seen in his kitchen, thinkin deep over Preppin Marinades
Ploppin Measurements of spices, leaves, and Powder Mixed together for their taste
He was a Plate-Making cook, his life’s ingredients were known
Pickled Mangos and Pealed Macadamias, and with a flamed wish would get going
He was good with a spatula, knew the steak weights and temps
His Posture Mimicked expert, with his back starched straight and tense
Placed Marbled filets on-top of coals in his favorite woodfire grill
At the same Precise Moment smoke turned to a flame n grew alive in the keel
Always knew the cut to choose, or Prime Meat slabs for ordeals
But if he wanted too, he could cook up some Pork Meal that would taste like veal
A culinary Prided Man like him was of Profound Mention
Could Benny Janna ten katanas, while cutting puffer-fish and ground PepperMint
He Planned Menu’s each morning through inside deliveries
Paid a Minimum wage out, while eating himself empty in Priceless Misery.
Being Partly Morbidly obese, arteriosclerotic with Plaque Metastasis
The doc placed him on Prescriptions, Mainly written as Blood Pressure med’s and hepatics
He never washed his grill, and claimed its experience was gold
Procured Mutton from New Zealand, and Poached Mixed greens over sole
He engorged on his creations, his gluttony Provided Motivation
Crusted Parmesan Meatball Primavera, Manicotti submerged in arrays of Pino/Malbec flavors
He never ate out of the apartment where he Personally Manufactured garnish
Peppered Maroon his Pollack, Married it in with some homemade Picante Margarine
He had choked out while scarfin, to a Partial Myocardial infarction
Linguine on his tongue blocked his Parietal-Mandibular lines of crossing
Pumped Madly on his chest and drank down a prime Pub Marzden
the Police Md says his stomach contents were fresh from the garden
They Found’m dead on the carpet; Pronounced Master chef, cause of death - gastric distress

Certain
07-25-2013, 12:31 AM
Pent uP: This was a beautiful approach to the topic. Your writing is cluttered, but certain moments make up for the abundance of adverbs and adjectives and alliteration. "All she has now is the glow of the phone to mask her bitter death," is a very strong image. I liked that you took the mind of the woman in the relationship, a less predictable turn. The thoughts were complicated, as they should have been. The alliteration drew attention to your use of the challenge, which was very strong, but it perhaps made you force P.M. combinations that could have come more seamlessly. Still, the images were very strong, the rhymes were consistent and complex enough and the approach was outstanding. This was an excellent verse.

Rawn M.D.: You certainly took the challenge to heart and picked a good topic to use various phrases that worked. The problem was the content. Your verse can be summed up in three words: chef dies eating. You didn't deepen our understanding of who this man was or why this happened, only listing out food he enjoyed cooking. By the time you reached the turning point, explaining how he died, I was almost surprised you were going to tell us at all. This approach might have worked had you went with an extended metaphor, but there was no real sign of that. Instead, it read like a verse written to fulfill the requirements of a unique challenge. Against Pent uP, who fulfilled the challenge similarly well and did so while writing a unique and interesting verse, that wasn't enough.

Vote: Pent uP

Gazette
07-25-2013, 06:05 AM
pent up, good drop, some decent vocab and writing skill being presented, for the most part it was impressive though i didnt think you handled the 'PM' stipulation very well, where you included it, the language felt a bit forced. I know you didnt have to use it much anyway, but i felt it did take something away.

some of your language was jumbled and flowery too, lines like:

'while she makes slights at sex-worthy sins off a poetic menu.'

sounds eloquent, but don't really mean anything (if it does, it's way too vague or fanciful)

On the other hand, that same sort of language did work here and there, lines like

'while wet whistles waft with whiskey and rum.'


Good effort, could have used some rewording imo, and you could have been braver with the P.M. use, but overall well-written and enjoyable.




Rawn, you had some trouble incorporating P.M. too which made your language suffer, phrases like 'His Posture Mimicked expert' are a bit awkward. Others contradictory, 'Being Partly Morbidly obese' ... that doesn't really make sense. However, you did make use of it perfectly in places too and made it sound natural. You had a good structure and the language was accessible, but not simple .. i thought it was all very well written and creative tbh.


MVGT/ Rawn, less generic angle taken, utilized the challenge better (going with Foods was really smart, it opened up a lot of vocabulary for him) and it made me hungry lol - i disagree with Certain Serpent up there saying you didnt deepen our understanding of the character, I think little phrases like 'he never washed his grill' give away character more skilfully than prosaic exposition.

Spoken
07-26-2013, 12:03 AM
On the phone so its gonna be short and sweet...


Anyways this match was cool and I think one of the best turn outs for bowing a this far besides the ext.... A Yeats pent came with a story in mind and as always came with nice direction and stayed consistent with that train of thought but here's the thing... A lot of jargon was implemented that don't really hit home run... It flowed well and made it for a smooth transition for wording and stanzas but when I read it over it is an empty message tbh...like what gaz indicated... But the content and diction was on point more flex and creative styles or angles woul have been cool tho but you did great and rawn... You were poetically poised thru out and made it seemingly easy to read but with great insight and the emotion is what got me and how you connected well with ur story but the execution for the pm wasn't that strong but hey all in all nice drop

I have to edge this over to rawn

Adonis
07-26-2013, 12:41 AM
Pent - dope W alliteration with "wet whistle waft..." also the wording is precise for flow, and not just typical sentences, sentences with thought for rhyme pattern and effect's sake. A story of a women who escaped, and now relives the abusive relationship day and night. A story of how to cope, and some insane wording and imegery. I won't quote, but there is a massive amount of quotables bro. This is the Pent I know and am used of. a writer that can make a simple action of smoking, become real with a pen. Dope verse.


Rawn - very nice sir. Start to end, once I understood what was going on that shit became very fresh to read. Are you fat??? Seems like you know quite a bit about food bruh. Anyways, the use of your letters was extensive, and more importantly done in a fashion in which it didn't hinder or dissrupt the read.

This is a dope battle, and to me, should go down not only as the best/toughest vote week 1, but all season/post-season as well. Both verses were writen damn near perfectly. From flow, to concept, to wording and use of topic. Conceptually I enjoyed the twis of Pents, but also loved the original route of Rawns. Both had content for days, both flowed, although Pent's was better due to syllable count IMO. Very tough battle.after reading a couple more times, Rawns flow was simply out matched due to the precise wording and attention to syllables of Pent.

Tough vote, for the vote to be decided by something so whack, but you both came correct and it is what it is.

V Pohfig2.0

zygote
07-26-2013, 02:03 AM
Pent uP, enjoyed the characterization during a short/non-existent time period. It's simpler to characterize something when things are happening, but you made a strong character in perhaps a 'few minutes' of the characters morning thoughts. Also liked the clutching the pillow description at the end, thought it was a good way to end the characters internal thoughts.
Rawn M.D. liked the vocabulary and amount of double letters variants you discovered, very impressive. Did not enjoy how the references were so diverse. E.g., you move from New Zealand mutton to Italian Primavera. Guessing you're trying to make it like a whirlwind journey but the descriptions are less descriptions and more just like an ingredients list at times. Voting Pent uP.

Mike Wrecka
07-26-2013, 03:58 PM
shit another sick battle. props guys.

pent up- probably one of the better verses ive read from you. good use of the letters. what some people described as a cluttered style I saw as an extremely impressive display of rhyming. no words were wasted. and it had a lot of sick lines like this

Or an internally pertinent perilously personal massacre?

sick man. loved it. didn't come off too tongue twister. and it used a lot of advanced vocabulary but they are all used in everyday language so it wasn't overwhelming. ie when someone uses technical jargon. but ya great stuff man.

rawn- shit this was an equally good verse. you found so many uses for those letters it was amazing. I also liked the story you told here. with the pulmonary diseased man getting such pleasure from the wide array of foods. almost like food is porn for the fat. lol. but ya it didn't flow quite as well as pents. but it flowed really well tbh.

overall- thanks for the reads guys. really liked both. but I think in the end I was very slightly more impressed with one and it was


vote- pent

Coup
07-27-2013, 11:21 AM
was typing up vote and 2 year old shut down pc...wat do ? start over, cos I love this battle

Pent-

Partially married - partially impartial to each other.
Its hard - but how much harder than she wonders.
Partially marred by the sentiment of pyrolytic memories.
Powered by the second degree burn when she tries to give it energy.

AH mazing. fantastic opening...loved the last line...good setup to it

some could say, "this is how a woman feels when...x" and "x feels like x" you did not do this and allowed the reader to gather what was going on by what you were forming without telling. good showing in your writing witch is a strength, never having to make that error of simple saying things. you expressed well and respect the readers intelligence. nice job, I thought your PM's were well placed, considering the assignment. lot's of good things in this, somewhat suficated by any lack of a present narrator voice, though it could have added clarity, it would also have worked against teh spirit of this peice..w.ell done.


Rawn-

Rawn loved your opening half, it was executed brilliant and oyu built and gave us something in this character that felt real...this was a smooth opening...it started to go Chuck Norris on us as I went on, like dude was ridiculous lol here is what I mean


But if he wanted too, he could cook up some Pork Meal that would taste like veal
A culinary Prided Man like him was of Profound Mention
Could Benny Janna ten katanas, while cutting puffer-fish and ground PepperMint
He Planned Menu’s each morning through inside deliveries
Paid a Minimum wage out, while eating himself empty in Priceless Misery.

I don't cite this as a negative, rather props to you for already establishing one of the best characters in a verse I've read here...so the quote was enjoyable and humorous at the same time.

you spent a lot of time doing good things with the character that the last was and seemed flat to me, like it just stopped with an obvious cliche of gluttony related halth problems...and all in all i felt this made the verse unrealized with the MAD potential you gave it...not a diss, I respect your verses, never read a bad topical from you


v/pent