WRITE WEEK #4

[PancakeBrah]

http://www.conceptart.org/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1401298&stc=1&d=1326664396

Deadline: 11:59 P.M. Pacific, Thursday 9/4/2014
16 line max, one entry per person.
Winner receives an accomplishment.
Based on original content, flow, rhyme complexity, and relation to the subject.

[Camarac]

We’ve drifted apart now, but you were colder than ice,
and you ripping my heart out had left a hole in my side.
With no means of finding my way back I was lost
a ghostly reminder of two paths that had crossed.
And I’m stranded upon a bed of uncertainty now
too abashed to go on, no means of turning it round.

[Adonis]

Dim lights in a bar. Door swings ajar. Enter: Wetness you dream of at night

Captured attention spans within a blink of an eye
I might be another guy but she's reaching new heights
This feline aint goddess but her hips could be worshiped
the pendulum's workin, each step sways milking virgins
un-bolting shackles and chains tied to my side
ol' ball and chain released as the noose is loosened tonight
her movement is motion, water melting away
as day breaks her thighs chafe, slyly slicing her prey
envious male gawk, real talk, this dames whole array...
is dime sacks packed; mushed into a quarter to slang
Her crystal body is hardly hardened at all,
but her heels could burn the dabs siphoned into your jaw
her tits are bouncing with awe, a sack snacked by hoof or by claw
Enjoy her resolve. Distilled perfection as bar
My ice breaker? "My dick would enjoy your jaw"

[Pent uP]

The Ice is Whitest from the Inside


Here we’re distressed strangers who never even set anchor.
Stuck with a bunch of pin heads, but the cold was the hellraiser.
A blinding horizon of ice at the iris that felt danger –
and foreign noises that attributed to the stressed anger.
Drunk and bamboozled excuses for hunters and humans
crushed in their ruins from feuding too much with consumers.
Collecting the oils of Antarctic life was made our plight,
but found the cost of the fight…and the price to pay was high.

I live on a plateau of the coldest landscapes.
I fish with the wife and things generally go the planned way.
Today though, we saw a boat crashed into the basin where we fish.
It’s amazing how the ship and ground were changed and made to shift.
The flat lands now a jungle gym; climbing up the craft then jumping in,
but too scared to explore after seeing some ghastly upper-limbs.
While getting fed may have been as easy as shooting fish in a barrel
We’re whitest on the inside when something isn’t apparent.

[timeless]

Let's pretend...
On the road due west again, this time we brought extra men.
Last trip we lost grips of selfless minds turned menacing.
My own sentencing was irrelevant, let's focus on the now.
Six lines blown before noon, soon we'll be floating joe canal's.
Fireball on the list, honey jack, bud plat'... You get the jist.
Then we'll hit the road by two, recap, subtract, who's cess is this?
Back to the mission at hand, time to put on my criminal glance.
Cynical hands behind the wheel heading towards miserable lands.
Mythical plans for anarchy, everlasting bliss. Peace.
Jay in the passenger seat, rapping, packing his heat,
aim check out the window. We crashed in back of this jeep.
Mac was the fiend in the back scratching 'til he chaps up and bleeds.
Hopped out with his weapon, gunned down the driver and laughs as we leave.
Arrived back to the pad and I seen my bed and snapped out of my dream.
I awoke to a wooden ship that left my home in two to sink.
No room to blink, when you're up, you're down. Who am I to think?
I'm just a fucking polar bear.

[Pharaohs Army]

Yo.. Sometimes I enjoy literal observations.
Visceral narration instead of intricate interpretations.
With that in mind, I cast my eyes, on the image of a ship incapacitated, if not capsized... on caps of ice.
Two polar bears have also glimpsed this.. So I'm not the only witness..
Boy they look straight out of a TV ad from that Coca-Cola business!
... This place looks like one'v the Poles.. It's so frigid
you'd have to have winter clothes to visit.
Makes me wonder why the captain drove his ship here.
Kinda reminds me of a vessel, from Diddy's Kong Quest2, for Super NES (..true).
Am I dating myself? Anyway it sits on a shelf, of ice until maybe it melts.
Hopefully not too much for the sake of the bears--
they need ice flows to hunt,
and it's not as thought they can shake their layers
... of thick fur..
Yeah this is a cool Picture.

[Certain]

We came like midnight mauraders, in the heat of the night.
Scenic. Squeezing you tight. Aimless drifts, speechless requites.
Queasy from wine, we waddled back under the sheets,
as the whips of the waves whisp us away over the tumbling sea.
It's only here that I ever feel.
Seperate people, fingers rapt. Winking laughs turn desperate squeals.
Sinking back, that aimlessness that once defined, divides.
The swaying ship's sways and dips. Unbroken. Resigned to pride.
I'm tracing your back. It's become your face. Slowly but surely,
the cold of the early morning becomes the only thing certain.
Reposed. Ghosts at sea, movements in delicate shadows.
Glimmering as still water. But we're destined for shallows.
And though the precipice narrows, the surface exposes a lie.
They'll find a discarded picture frame. No photo inside.

'Ship, wrecked.

[CopyPat]

-Good thing we have these warm winter coats, cause the cold really blows on this low windy road. Hey, peep over there man, an old shitty boat. But maybe it's a bear trap? Oh shit idunno. Lately I been scared man, these poachers are pro. They've even prepared traps that glow in the snow. So in the middle of the night I'm out havin a piss, and see this twinkling light in the massive abyss. Naturally since I'm attracted to this, I get up and climb to the flash in the distance. Bam! An instant I see my neighbor get took. I ran to the fish pit and laid in the brook. And later I looked, and old buddy was dead. Cause there wasn't much left but the blood he had shed. So fuck all the guess-work. I ain't exploring that crashed ship. And the sun will probly set first before we could chance it. So forward advancement is the only thing I’m focused on. And the more we is gabbin’, the more the minutes float along. The storm is gonna blow and all we gotta do is find relief. But the worse conditions go, then all I wanna do is try to sleep. Gotta move, cause time’s petite, and options are slim here.
-Stop it dude, we’re tired and weak. I’m not gonna sit here while your talkin’ to me I’m tryna keep warm and that ship’s near.
The warning was missed, cause in the morning would sit clear. 2 dead bears according to this here. One trapped and one starved. Solo adrift in their loneliest crypts there. The Polars who disappeared. The moral of the story? Never quarrel you big bears. Cause you never really know if tomorrow will get here.

[theMuzzl3]

I'm just a fat ass fuzzy thing, walkin on thin ice.
More than twice, we've passed by this fuckin wrecked ship, but if we slip or misstep, we'll be a reflection of them.
Hmm, I don't trust this, when men still smell of it.
I swear that anchor frightens, cuz if it drops I'm done for.
Polar bear or not, this sight is tight; and its only right that despite their efforts, they perished.
Human ship wreck, aged by the wind and snow: now cherished.
I know I'm safe though, if I tippy-toe through this fantastic scene of the failure of human beings.
Hope someone's walkin the plank, cuz then I'll shank em with my teeth; and spit em out like it ain't no thing.

All hands on deck!
Fuckit, we're ship wrecked.
Lets go build some igloos and hope to God that some polar bears don't
smell the fish we caught through this fishing hole, foos!
Roll the dice, and pray for our souls.
Shit, this won't work; we're near the poll and I see some polar bears strolling towards us, like they're cops on patrol.

[Bodey]

It's no wonder we would shipwreck here I'd never doubt that evil is strictly engineered
Made from a noose of USB cords, Hangin for a min as the fluids bleed more
Einstein isn't even wide-eyed. Cuz he knew of wifi while he was drinkin Mai Tais
Could the warning signs be any louder All you Facebook accounters goin off the routers surrounded by cellular towers
Pretty spooky on how one could die from politeness As if I was roofied and ended up on an island
Just call me Lucy in the sky with the diamonds Crooked secret agents tainted our generation
Could've been amazin even though the nation Has gone erased with everything created
Our brain cells will fade out, so what's there to say now Dealin w the Feds who hate me
Suction cups on my head for crazies Flesh got flakey and breath went hazy
Turns out that I'm just a test tube baby, the world was too stressed to raise me. Tryna get back my humanity, fam-il-y is damned to me
Hopin to relax mo', frozen in a capsule Choking from the gas smoke, spoken like an asshole
Polar opposites are so obvious Completely cold and incompetent
We re molded from rocket ships And scolded the drop out kids
Where you stole and pocket shit, the perspective is to lose
Ima stay put like the checks upon my shoes

[Split]

your first playground. remember it?
the wood, a frayed brown, a weathered ship
with cargo nets, tires & rings- a brig that was separate,
where Sarah said she'd be your crush. I became a Decemberist
for the rest of that whole month. Like polar bears, we'd climb
in bulky winter gear & hardly feel the elements. Colder years.
Partly due to embellishment, I mean, the sober fear
of development doesn't well up until you're well into it.
The seldom, a velvet intricate. Spiderwebs of frost:
the type you won't walk through more than once..
mortal walks, that you choke through when you talk.
Safety is the coarsest gauze to coat you when you fall.
Nothings safe about childhood, especially the venom
of nostalgia. Remember, December was so halycon?
They tore that playground down, bought the kids some iPads.
Maybe, its just a shipwreck in a distant ice cap....

[Adonis]

So how does voting go about in this here format?
El Pancake

[NYCSPITZ]

V/ Pent Up

v/ pent up EASY...

others started, or ended strong, i particularly enjoyed copy's beginning, alli's USB line was cool, some of split and cert's was iight, Adonis ending gets 10/10 props for lulz

but the winner is pent here

v/pent

[Bodey]

Wow I was drunk as fuck when I posted that last night. Are there reposts lol jeeeez

[Bodey]

V pent. Dope shit

Everyone had good shit though, interesting stuff. I liked copy's structure approach. But I think pent had the more complete verse so far

[theMuzzl3]

Pent Up naled it. Mostly everything I read was good, especially Split, Certain, and pharaohsarmy52... and timeless. Tough to vote on this one.

[Certain]

If memory serves, anyone can vote but we're supposed to rank the top five verses? El Pancake, please clarify.

[PancakeBrah]

Anyone can vote, including people who submitted.

For your vote to count you must list your Top 5 verses. No explanation is needed but it's more than welcome. If you submitted a verse you cannot include your own verse in the voting.

I know asking for free votes/feed is a lot to ask but I'll feed, in-depth, a piece from anyone who votes. Just drop your vote (please be sincere) and a link to a piece you want fed and I'll break it down section by section style. Srs.

Certain Split UnbornBuddha kannon CopyPat evil big baby dull boy Figurative Camp Bell Kin Ego The Mind Assassin Bags ill nik-A dead man Vulgar Pent uP sraL Adonis timeless @badi alli

@more people.

The panel thing doesn't work. It's on the Open Mic community to honestly read the submissions and honestly vote to make this a thing that occurs more than 2x a year.

[Camp Bell]

first read, i had this as a tie between pent and split.

so, it came down to who won each category. i have
pent taking flow, rhyme complexity and relation to pic
with it being a tie in original content. so, with that said
gotta give it to pent but very close. dope drops fellas...


vote: pent

[UnbornBuddha]

Dang I missed the timeline for this.

Anyways my vote is for Pent Up. In my eyes, he captured the essence of the picture, extracting its very spirit with delightful and exemplary quintessence.

Not to say I didn't delight in the rest of the submissions. I for one dug Copycat's flow, Timeless vigilante exploration, Split's introductory image description of the ship, Pharaoh's humor, especially the Coca coca commercial line, lol.
As well as Certain's stylistic resemblance to Joseph's Conrad Heart of Darkness. Adonis took more of an abstract approach that while a nice read still felt a bit off the mark.

Still, Pent Up struck the targeted audience like a honed archer does his bullseye.

[Certain]

El Pancake, we could all rank our top five, but Pent uP won this. He had a great submission, and everyone seems to agree. I think we should leave it open for more feedback, and when I get some time, I'll drop something more in-depth on every submission. But I think that people aren't ranking probably won't change the result.

[PancakeBrah]

Fair enough.

[sral]

pent won.

i completely forgot to finish my shit ahahahhaa

i knew i'd be too busy for this ish

[Certain]

Camarac: For six lines, this was good. I took the same, obvious approach to this topic, though I aimed to be a little more subtle and layered. You attack head-on at all times, though, and there was potential in that. But it needed more development. Your rhymes were strong; does that still need to be said about anything you write?

Adonis: I like this combination of low-brow, common content with more abstract and metaphor-heavy language. You kept your focus tight enough here and had a clever closer. The rhyming was pretty much what I expect from you, which is a bit unstable but not incapable. There were some turns of phrase that didn't connect, like the line about dabs. But this was solid.

Pent uP: The approach was what got you this contest. In these write week competitions, we see so many verses that have similar approaches that are all pretty basic. Last time, I tried something really weird and wrote a battle verse. Here, your approach was more fundamentally familiar and yet also really creative. I didn't like all your writing, to be honest. You used "fish" three times in six lines at one point, and the first stanza felt a bit clunky. You often stradle the line between straight-forward and poetic but sometimes fall into a gray area that qualifies as neither. "It's amazing how the ship and ground were changed and made to shift," doesn't sound like a natural way of speaking. But again, I applaud the creativity and completely understand why you seem to be the overwhelming winner.

timeless: The problem with this verse was at its roots, that you humanized the polar bears to the point where this story simply didn't make sense. You basically turned the polar bears into humans rather than writing about polar bears as though they were humans. Does that make sense? I don't know. I get what you were doing here, almost like a cartoon movie about polar bear pirates. But it didn't connect or resonate, in part because you didn't really make this verse funny and didn't give us the outlay earlier.

pharaohsarmy52: I liked the natural fluidity of the thought process, but it didn't offer as much conceptually as your opponents. There simply wasn't much in the way of content here. The thoughts felt like fragments, while others were composing more complete pieces. But the natural writing works, and if you hone in on that strength and develop it in more focused verses, you could have something going. You should join the next season of the Art of Writing League, our topical league which should be starting by the end of this month.

Certain: Trite and obvious.

CopyPat: Well, you wrote about 24 lines worth. So that was a bit much and frankly enough that I couldn't give you the vote here. The first stanza was absolutely great storytelling within the context of your thorough rhyming. But the story kind of slid to the back toward the end of that stanza, and you lost some of your clarity that stood out so much early on. I love your storytelling whenever you commit to it, even in short bursts like in that collaboration with Zen. I just wish the ending had been a bit crisper here.

theMuzzl3: Your rhymes are really basic. Consider using more syllables to rhyme and evening out your bars. When you can do that, you'll be able to command more complex rhyme schemes. The content was really basic, too, as though you decided at the beginning to write from the perspective of a polar bear but not what you'd actually say along the way.

Badi Alii: You've written much better things. You just said Einstein "knew of wifi while he was drinking Mai Tais." That doesn't make even a little bit of sense. There was no real focus here, and even the rhymes weren't quite up to your normal standard. And it didn't seem to be about the photo really, aside from a few thrown-in references here and there.

Split: This was my favorite verse of the contest because I thought your content decision was really, remarkably original. There were times when your writing got a little bit too far into Split-ness. (It's so you to use "halcyon" and "gauze" and "velvet" and "spiderwebs of frost," for instance.) But you had so much to say about nostalgia and relationships. I loved this submission and am not sure why it's getting so overlooked.

So here's my rankings:

1. Split
2. Pent uP
3. CopyPat
4. Adonis
5. timeless
6. Camarac
7. pharaohsarmy52
8. Badi Alii
9. theMuzzl3

[Split]

So, wait, is this going to a vote or are we just giving it to Pent Up? I'm not saying Pent didn't win but is this really decided already?

At least some legitimate discussion of what made someone win should get thrown in there for a vote to count. I mean, a 3.6 vote KO after the first day of voting..? "yeah, I agree with voter1, other people were good but this guy was better v/ this guy" Why would I bother showing up?


16 lines is nothing, but these only come out like once every two months and I quite enjoy them. Loosen standards & increase quantity of events, or raise standards & increase the prestige of the events.
Certain El Pancake Zen

at the very least set a standard for voting on WW's or let me create one for the next one

[Zen]

Cake told everyone how to vote on page one, and everyone ignored it. Top five verses or it doesn't count.

[Split]

"We're abandoning everything mid-contest" Curtain Carpet

I'll vote if we do Top 5 ranked, or if we do an explained vote that mentions 5 people, but I'm not doing anything if it's just for feed at this point.

[Certain]

"We're abandoning everything mid-contest" Curtain Carpet

I'll vote if we do Top 5 ranked, or if we do an explained vote that mentions 5 people, but I'm not doing anything if it's just for feed at this point.

I only suggested the switch when the first five people all voted for Pent uP without rankings. I agree with your points. I also feel as though at least a couple of those votes were parroting the first without having read every verse thoroughly.

[Split]

word. I'll vote in a minute (basically with the same format as you out of preference)

[Camarac]

Camarac: For six lines, this was good. I took the same, obvious approach to this topic, though I aimed to be a little more subtle and layered. You attack head-on at all times, though, and there was potential in that. But it needed more development. Your rhymes were strong; does that still need to be said about anything you write?


i think the fact i didnt even find time to write up ten lines speaks volumes

waaaaaayyyy too busy of late

glad i hopped out the tourney rather than no-show later on

[theMuzzl3]

whatev's -- some dudes posted shit that had nada to do with the picture.