Round 2: 5. kannon vs. 13 jilti \\ kannon wins 7-1

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/CrcrL6b.gif

Welcome to Round 2!

The Basics

Check-ins are not required but are always appreciated.

Verses are due Thursday, Sept. 4 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday, Sept. 7 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Four votes are required from each competitor. For each missing vote, one vote will be deducted. Post proof of voting here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=91956).

Verses may not exceed 10 lines. If the length of a writer's lines is called into question, the standard will be 15 words per line, and verses of more than 150 words will be disqualified or required to be shortened.

Standard writing and voting rules are in effect. No biting. No recycling. Votes must be explained. No editing verses after the first vote or the verses deadline. Any other issues will be resolved using Art of Writing League Season 3 rules as the basis.


Topic


Blood and Smoke


Good luck, kannon and jilti.

[jilti]

End of the world; Blood and Smoke



Joel 2:30
"I will show wonders in the heavens and earth through fire, smoke, and blood"
"The sun will turn dark and moon blood red before the terrible day of the Lord comes"
an undertone overshadowing Passover and Jewish feast of the Tabernacles
2015, the 28th day of September when the last of four lunar eclipses form a tetrad fractal
coinciding with a supernatural act of God from the bible verse Matthew 24:29
"After tribulations of those days, the heavens shall shake as stars fall from the sky"
a reference to asteroids crashing into earth, similarly like the dinosaur extinction
but in a wider region. causing seismic readings all over earth until it entirely sinks in
fire, bleeding, and smoke remnants are whats left apart from mens' souls
"But of that day no one knows. Not angels nor his son, only the father alone"
Mark 13:32

[kannon]

Biggie 1:4
I lit my cigarette and blew the smoke in his bloodied face
It's funny how some money can change a man so suddenly
A week ago, my brother was my closest partner in crime,
Until I caught him skimming product off the top, with a line
From where I stand at, his blood filled the cracks in the granite
Broke his nose, cause my brother broke that fourth commandment
The duct tape dug in his wrists as he struggled to break free
Broken bones in place of broken trust, covered in kerosene
I tossed my lighter into the golden liquid, collect this moral bounty
Blood is thicker than water, but cash rules everything around me

[Pent uP]

J - On some chyea and born again cross over. It kinda was what it was, didnt feel like a verse with layered purposes or vehicles, and didnt offer any free thought from the direction. It was just a here it is kinda verse with solid mechanics

Kan - I like how u (inadvertently?) Played off your opponents structure. The hip hop roots as a vehicle for explaining a simple situation was a refreshing yet familiar thing to come up to. The strength of this verse lies within the how it was told as opposed to what was told. Solid showing.

Vote - Kan

[oats]

jilti: this was enjoyable on a lot of levels. I like how you seamlessly weaved in scriptures to add that biblical apocalyptic tone, definitely made your verse into an atmosphere (which is no easy feat in this format). there were some moments of pretty stilted language and flow, however, which can cost you since there's so little margin for error with such short verses. I'd say my biggest gripe here is that it felt like a plateau. You described the feeling and the atmosphere well, but that's all you really did. I would have liked to see a twist of implication somewhere to make it more provocative/make me think more. What I got was good, I just can't help but feel like it could have been more.

Kannon: the hip-hop homages were great imo. At first it felt a little cheap to have a bible passage-esque intro, almost like you were feeding off of jilti, but it worked in the context of your verse so it was negligible. while the story itself was a little flat, the storytelling was excellent. I particularly liked the broken nose because he broke the 4th commandment, clever turn of phrase.

Vote: Jilti had a more powerful concept, but I think he missed the mark on his delivery of it. Kannon was fluid and crisp with his writing, and the feel of it felt classic as opposed to played. strong battle of opposing styles, but I got Kannon taking it.

[trap]

Kannon had a super impressive story. Something that could essentially be 80+ lines, cut into 10 and still said succinctly. It also helps that you're a rapper so you wrote this with some great schemes / patterns. No real qualms here. Jilti had a kix of intellectuality and religion, and I don't know if those two mix, lol. I would've enjoyed some continuity in this verse. If you're going to stretch the lines, at least do it how Mike did it in his verse this week. This honestly read like a thesis or article from some religious or scientific journal. It was offputting to me, but thats just my opinion.

Vote, kannon.

[PancakeBrah]

Jilti:

"Joel 2:30
"I will show wonders in the heavens and earth through fire, smoke, and blood"
"The sun will turn dark and moon blood red before the terrible day of the Lord comes"
an undertone overshadowing Passover and Jewish feast of the Tabernacles
2015, the 28th day of September when the last of four lunar eclipses form a tetrad fractal "

I'm not familiar with the bible passage you're referencing so I don't know if you're lifting straight from it or paraphrasing or what. That's kind of the risk you run when you do something like this I suppose. The first two lines were descriptive enough, the rhyme was single syllable and soft and with so many syllables per line your flow really suffered. Once you got out of the quotes it got better. As mentioned early, Chyeah-ish. The rhyme was better in the last two lines. Predictive but feels a bit stuck in the mud. Okay start.

"coinciding with a supernatural act of God from the bible verse Matthew 24:29
"After tribulations of those days, the heavens shall shake as stars fall from the sky"
a reference to asteroids crashing into earth, similarly like the dinosaur extinction
but in a wider region. causing seismic readings all over earth until it entirely sinks in"

The same exact criticism is here for the first two lines from the first two lines of the piece. Wordy lines with a soft single syllable kills the reading. Either up the complexity of the rhyme or go Diode's route and spice up your line with internals and little tricks to fill the vacuum of expect complexity. The last two lines in this section were your most complete and best of the piece, especially the last line. Definitely picked up the technical end there and it read really well, with good rhyming mechanics. But you're still going nowhere, just describing a possible scenario buttressed by the supposed validity of bible allusions.

"fire, bleeding, and smoke remnants are whats left apart from mens' souls
"But of that day no one knows. Not angels nor his son, only the father alone"
Mark 13:32"

Eh. So the payoff is God can only know with certainty when the end will come. Just like the previous two instances of quotes you filled your lines to the brim with a soft single rhyme. Once instance of this can really hurt a piece, let alone three.

What we're left with is a piece weak on the technical side with no real payoff. This read like a quick summary of some biblical apocalyptic scenarios, that's it. There's nothing to it. The writing wasn't strong enough to buoy it to relevance.

Kannon:

"Biggie 1:4
I lit my cigarette and blew the smoke in his bloodied face
It's funny how some money can change a man so suddenly
A week ago, my brother was my closest partner in crime,
Until I caught him skimming product off the top, with a line"

I don't know if you purposely alluded to Jilti's verse with that Biggie concept or not. Seems hard to believe as a coincidence. The opening was perfunctory and fine. I liked the imagery of the first line, second line was fine, and the story started to form with the last two. Not too much to say here. Not bad but not intensely good.

"From where I stand at, his blood filled the cracks in the granite
Broke his nose, cause my brother broke that fourth commandment
The duct tape dug in his wrists as he struggled to break free
Broken bones in place of broken trust, covered in kerosene"

Better. I liked the allusion to the fourth commandment. That's the key difference between you and Jilti. You used allusions as a piece of your verse, there weren't the entire point. Good on that. Broken bones in place of broken trust was okay. I could see someone thinking that's kind of hokey but I thought it was fine. Your rhyming was better here than in the first section, and your flow has been strong throughout.

"I tossed my lighter into the golden liquid, collect this moral bounty
Blood is thicker than water, but cash rules everything around me"

"Golden liquid" was trying too hard. I don't know, felt off to me. The last line was cool. Again, using allusions as a tool instead of the purpose.

Your take on the topic was very literal (smoke and blood, literally smoke and blood) but good. Very hip hop, obviously. It was kind of quirky in that way, nice. Kind of a fun little verse, I think. Your flow was your strength from a technical stand point, which is to be expected from an audio guy. Rhymes were kind of basic but leagues better than your opponent. Decent read. Thanks.

--

One-sided here. I didn't like Jilti's verse much at all, he definitely took a step down from last round. Kannon's verse was better on all fronts, although I think it could have been a touch more complex. Thanks for the read fellas.

v/Kannon

[Darth Yoda]

I dont particularly find this engaging. Both had styles that were odd, to me. Kannon had some cool lines and so did jil, it's a matter of preference at this point since everything else is debate-edly even, lol debatedly. Voting Kannon

[Cormier]

Jliti- i feel like you have a good part of a larger verse, but didn't say a whole lot in this shorter limit. you built a solid atmosphere, but then ran out of lines to actually say anything. i also think a few of your lines were a bit stretched in the flow department. while i don't really practice any religion, i am interested in religion in general so i did like the biblical references.

Kan- "Never get high on your own supply" overall i like it. it accomplished being complete in 10 lines, which is the toughest thing to do in this tournament. it was a straightforward take on the topic that worked, even if it wasn't anything special. the storytelling was very good, even if the story itself was just "eh." i think you did enough to win this round because of what jilti's verse lacked and because everything in your verse was at least decent, but i definitely wasn't wowed by anything in this verse either.

VOTE= Kannon

[Split]

Hm. I liked both verses. I think Jilti's verse had greater aspirations, but the execution wasn't up to par throughout- a heavy setback at this stage in the tournament & with only ten lines to craft. The delivery especially could have been crisper, after the first four lines the cadence fell out of sync. Some cool descriptives, I liked tetrad fractal and some of the bible references. The sensory details were wholly organic, and the phrasing followed. Enjoyed kannon's take on the topic, except I didn't like how he kinda fed off of Jilti's verse. I get that it's kinda lighthearted and it was an original take, but at the same time I do not think he would have written the same verse had Jilti waited to post. Kannon had great mechanics and decent imagery/ details/ all that meat of a verse. But mostly his delivery stood out. It was also a good story that showcased a lot of plot action for so few lines.


Very close IMO, almost a toss-up. The strengths and weaknesses of each writer weigh on one another in almost perfect tandem. Toughest battle so far to vote on (still have PentSoul), but I think I have to give it to Jilti for just saying and alluding to so much with his weighty words. Really painted a grand picture for me and left me fulfilled

[Soulstice]

fuck my vote got deleted.

jilti - i liked the foreshadowing you had at the middle of the piece, talking about the tetrad fractal and meteors. then you followed it up saying nobody could know what day the apocalypse will happen. it turned out to be an ominous wink from the powers on high. kind fo creepy. your wording was strange though. "the earth will sink in" - i know you mean the landmasses into water, but 'the earth' makes me think about the planet itself.

kan - very polished. i liked that you set the scene before providing exposition. sharp storytelling, you managed to provide motivation, action, consequence, and a resolution in your compacted line limit. you were mechanically tighter than jilti as well.

although i enjoyed jiltis tounge in cheek doomsaying, i think that was the one dimension of the piece. kannon provided a lot more to sink my teeth into.

v - kannon