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View Full Version : Round 2: R. Pent uP vs. 6. Soulstice \\ Soulstice wins 5-3


Certain
09-01-2014, 03:02 AM
http://i.imgur.com/CrcrL6b.gif

Welcome to Round 2!

The Basics

Check-ins are not required but are always appreciated.

Verses are due Thursday, Sept. 4 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday, Sept. 7 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Four votes are required from each competitor. For each missing vote, one vote will be deducted. Post proof of voting here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=91956).

Verses may not exceed 10 lines. If the length of a writer's lines is called into question, the standard will be 15 words per line, and verses of more than 150 words will be disqualified or required to be shortened.

Standard writing and voting rules are in effect. No biting. No recycling. Votes must be explained. No editing verses after the first vote or the verses deadline. Any other issues will be resolved using Art of Writing League Season 3 rules as the basis.


Topic


Different Seasons


Good luck, Pent uP and Soulstice.

Soulstice
09-01-2014, 12:02 PM
Different Seasons

He thought of his klonopin maiden. She kept him laconic, sedated
As he sat lost in the fog haunting Rotterdam Station
By his modest arrangement of copper cans awkwardly placed
Near the box that he stayed in. It was a long fall from her mezzanine
In The Hague - resplendent and beckoning back to her treacherous medicine
He would fade - back to dozens of glassy rocks crushed up on a Basquiat
This tragic plot had ravaged him with acid drops - falling deeper in memory
He meets his previous pieces, he was handsome reaching to destiny
“She would sneak in, possessing me, repeating this endlessly
And this time I won’t forgive her!" .. until the first snow of the winter

Pent uP
09-04-2014, 10:55 PM
Different Seasons

I wrote a verse this summer about a fool’s deception.
His cold shoulder to her warm embrace garnered a cool reception.
A few would question the hot and cold, but some saw the yin and yang.
They said the imagery was layered, but as they read it quickly sank –
and sank in, (I thanked them), before they were buried by the snow storm:
A metaphor of emotions covered the frozen prairie while I’d go forth.
Each line was co-wrote by old ghosts to send chills through the reader.
Raw adrenaline in the penmanship you could sniff through the ether.
My goal was to create a feeling inside that countered the heat and humidity –
and the warm responses cooled my hot temper…allowing me to keep my humility.

kannon
09-05-2014, 11:30 PM
Soulstice. First read I thought his ex was a druggy, and I couldn't piece if he was missing her or the drugs. Then I read it again and realized that "she" is the drugs. You're silly. Nice piece though. the schemes threw me off a bit in places, but I was never left without a rhyme, it just sometimes wasn't where I thought it would be. I like that the deeper he falls into remembering all the shit that came with partaking in these extracurricular activities, he still knows at the end that he'll end up back in his old ways. I think my only complaint is that I feel like the piece only loosely touches on the topic. Even though the one spot it does, is the line that ties it all together. But otherwise, this was dope. Even if I had to google LACONIC. But yeah, dope imagery, and all that shit.

Penteezy. I'm always a little weary about verses that are written about verses. This definitely had some dope lines in it. The play on hot/cold was an interesting take on the topic, but it kinda worked. "raw adrenaline in the penmanship" is a dope fucking line. It seems like you wrote a verse that may have been rooted in anger or disappointment, and people seemed to like, but maybe didn't really grasp what the message was. Or at least held to the positives, while choosing to ignore the negative impact the piece had on you. Or maybe they commended the writing not realizing that the story was true. etc. At least that's how it comes across to me. But still through it all, the fact that people liked it was enough to bring you a sense of calm. I hope I'm even remotely close on this...

This is a tough one, at first I thought Soulstice took this kinda easy. The more I read through, I felt it get closer, but I still think I'm gonna edge it to Soulstice on this one. Just kind of had a more well rounded piece. But good showing from both.

Darth Yoda
09-06-2014, 07:45 PM
Deviant. Thought you both delivered. Quite alright on both halves. It was splendid and it was erratic. I think soulstice has imagery that needs to be practiced, in that I mean, it has its own taste, not that he needs it. Pent up delivered quite well, and it was enjoyable. Voting pent up

dead man
09-07-2014, 12:27 AM
my fucking vote has been deleted twice. fuck fuck fukcfc fuck.

soul -- basically, the verse almost felt like it could have been told through Basquiat's voice. addiction and artistry are almost never mutually exclusive and maybe that is the reason this type of verse isn't conceptually impressive or groundbreaking on any level, but as a character sketch it succeeds. you have done justice to your vision, and in only 10 lines, it si not an easy skill especially for someone like you who tends to lean towards the aural, gradual setting of scenes for this type of work. very well done. you may benefit from some reflective free writing in open mic just for practice's sake. it never hurt anybody and i can't remember the last time i read something from you that was non-competitive.

highlights were your execution of an interpretive angle that was less than impressive.

PENT -- here's the great dichotomy i love to see in these match ups. it makes voting difficult but thats why its fun. its very risky to break the 4th wall in this way - writing verses about another verse you wrote (which i really don't remember, and can't find even after a brief search of your username) either serves a great sense of self-reflection and personal insight or a good bit of self indulgence and narcissism. in your case it wasn't so pretentious to become a negative. all in all, it becomes almost a study in the plasticity of a creative outlet in which public reception plays a role. our submissions and the feedback they receive are a give-and-take. they shape each other. it's a strong relationship. you finding humility through critical opinion on your work was a fantastic way to mold this topic. the dichotomy i mentioned before was referring to the strange imbalance between the two verses in this match. while soul delivered a weaker concept more powerfully, you had a far more original and interesting foundation on which you built a work that was not QUITE as involving (language-wise) as your opponent.

not much else to say. tough choice but PENTUP has my vote.

trap
09-07-2014, 05:16 AM
This almost comes down to personal preference because both verses were flawless in my eyes. Battle of the round, for sure. Souls fluidity in the imagery vs Pents alliteration and metaphors. I liked Souls verse ever so slightly and if he writes like this for the rest of the tournament he will be a problem.

Cormier
09-07-2014, 02:19 PM
Soul- i like the writing. very smooth, a little different rhyme scheme at times, but the rhymes were always there, which is a nice little switch up in a 10 line verse. only hiccup i really saw was the last line with the interline rhyme of "won't forgive her" and "snow of the winter." not sure why you added the extra syllable with the word "the," but that's just a little nitpicking by me. it dripped with imagery and metaphors and clever wording. my biggest problem with the piece is i don't see a huge connection to the topic. kind of seems like that last line was just thrown in to tie the piece to the topic

Pent- interesting take on the topic. obviously it's a relatable topic on a website full of writers. i liked the play on the hot and cold, winter and summer idea. the "co-wrote by old ghosts" line was dope. i could be way off (wouldn't that be ironic), but what i get from this is it seems like you wrote a verse, most people didn't get the overall message and that upset you, but most people at least liked it and you learned to just live with that and take the positives. i'd be interested in seeing the verse and responses you talk about if you wouldn't mind sending the link in a pm.

Overall i think this comes down to soulstice had the better writing, but pent wrote the more relatable verse with a better take on the topic. in these battles it often comes down to personal preference unfortunately and in that regard i'm going to go with Pent. Soulstice, you wrote a very good verse though that would have beaten most of the other verses i've read this week (my own verse included).

VOTE= Pent

jilti
09-07-2014, 08:30 PM
Soulstice painted a picture with his words and articulation of the subject. imagery resonated the further along the story went. Flow was on point also.
Pent had good metaphors. 2nd half of verse was definitely stronger than first half, but it never pulled me in as a reader. Where Soulstice verse made me want to read it again.
Goodluck to whoever advances

Vote = Soulstice

oats
09-07-2014, 11:50 PM
Phone vote, excuse any simplifications without caveats.

This was one of the first battles I read, and one of the last I'll vote on. I've gone back and forth on it several times. Soulstice penned an exceptional character sketch, not just due to the high caliber language and rhymes, but also in poking in glimpses of his past to animate it, creating a sense of narrative. It was one of the best verses I've read in the tournament.

And I thought it would blow out Pent's tbh, but Pent had one of the top tournament entrants as well. Rhymes were strong, and conceptually it was far more interesting than soulstice. Though I tend to tire of "writing about writing" verses, this had a fresh spin on it. The interplay of hot and cold to mirror the process of writing worked flawlessly. The last line of warm responses cooling you off was very clever. Really no complaints here either.

I'm sure most of the votes have said this, but I can't imagine this being determined by something other than personal preference. Both are top notch pieces of writing, and I can find few flaws of any note. Soul had the slightly better sense of language, but pent was strong too. Pent had the more complex concept, but Soul had a dope angle as well. Ultimately, my gut is leaning to soulstice on this one. Might be my first time voting against pent tbh. But soul just had an artfully crafted verse that struck me more. Dope battle, def best one of the round.

Eŋg
09-08-2014, 01:00 AM
soul - i don't like the way you used a comma to splice laconic, sedated to fit klonopin maiden. you should have just said and, and let the multi break. i don't know. i never try to do that. it rubs me the wrong way. that and 'reaching to destiny' was eh. brilliant writing, otherwise, containing a palpable character sketch within ten lines and also (what i think is) an extended metaphor. i'm yet to see the line limit or word cap hinder your style.

pent - very solid. i love the ambivalent antipode of hot and cold, personally, it's something i've alluded to a few times (i prefer the cold) and it served as a nice thread dangling through the core of your write up here. really fresh tackling of the topic, kind of meta, i guess. i think, from you, i would have expected (slightly) more impressive rhyming, but it wasn't an issue per se.

really tough battle to vote on, and i should perhaps meditate on each verse more, but i'll go with my gut.

v/soul