Round 2: 7. Diode vs. 2. oats \\ oats wins 10-(-4)

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/CrcrL6b.gif

Welcome to Round 2!

The Basics

Check-ins are not required but are always appreciated.

Verses are due Thursday, Sept. 4 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday, Sept. 7 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Four votes are required from each competitor. For each missing vote, one vote will be deducted. Post proof of voting here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=91956).

Verses may not exceed 10 lines. If the length of a writer's lines is called into question, the standard will be 15 words per line, and verses of more than 150 words will be disqualified or required to be shortened.

Standard writing and voting rules are in effect. No biting. No recycling. Votes must be explained. No editing verses after the first vote or the verses deadline. Any other issues will be resolved using Art of Writing League Season 3 rules as the basis.


Topic


A Face in the Crowd


Good luck, Diode and oats.

[oats]

earth began as flat and central, man's signature flawed prediction:
Go too far and you'll fall off - into the middle of all existence
Stuck in traditional knowledge, smitten by all our typical botched admissions
Our physical laws are trivial novels - written as cosmic fiction
First there was only one Sun, the pinnacle of majesty!
...except for all the other solar systems riddled through the galaxy
Surely the Milky Way's unique - the epicentral pulse at work!
Just ignore the rest of them (and for god's sake don't dare say there's a multiverse...)
We always think there's only one: you're a snowflake, the clover's 4th petal
But given all of nature's parity - what makes you think you're special?

[Diode]

stirrups strapped tight, sight blurred up
skin stretched, demerol taking effect
contraction pain pulsing, reaction? delayed convulsion
exertion reaching critical but the end result is worth it
vagina tears, crowns, delivery head down
placenta surfs a wave of crimson through the birth canal
symbiotic symbol of their affection, hopes, and dreams
comes into being breathing, bleating - turns to gasp, and screams
another face is born to live out another hundred years
and with a sudden swiftness, into the crowd, it disappears

[Pent uP]

Oats - I believe in the multiverse! My favorite verse so far of this round. I've tried to fathom this exact idea of how big/small everything is relatively and how atoms could be galaxies inside of us or rather we could be molecules for galaxies...simpsons did a relative intro scene once for it
Anyways. Love it.

Diode - it may very well be my exhaustion but im not getting what the symbiotic symbol was? The bloody birth canal? That makes sense as a symbol but at the point of the description the cord would be soon cut...literally splitting the symbioticism apart. I focused on that because it felt like a strong concept within the verse and may have missed its mark. The rest od the verse was solid on the imagery tip. The ending was nice but it wasn't special, ya know?

Vote oats

[PancakeBrah]

I'm sober so my vote won't be quite as long as Split v. Cormier but I'll try my best bros.

Oats:

"earth began as flat and central, man's signature flawed prediction:
Go too far and you'll fall off - into the middle of all existence
Stuck in traditional knowledge, smitten by all our typical botched admissions
Our physical laws are trivial novels - written as cosmic fiction "

Strong opening. Your first two lines were pitch perfect. 'The middle of all existence' really highlights the ignorance of that old idea succinctly. signature flawed prediction/middle of all existence is an excellent rhyme, difficult to pull off and you did so without sacrificing wording or content. The next two lines were a step down from the first two, if only because I think 'typical botched admissions' is a forced rhyme. If you hadn't constrained yourself to keep the rhyme up for four lines you would have worded that more smoothly. You made up for that small dip in quality with the last line here. 'Written as cosmic fiction' was back to the level of your first two rhymes and the 'physical laws are trivial novels' idea nicely wrapped up the idea of these first four lines. Overall a good start to your piece.

"First there was only one Sun, the pinnacle of majesty!
...except for all the other solar systems riddled through the galaxy
Surely the Milky Way's unique - the epicentral pulse at work!
Just ignore the rest of them (and for god's sake don't dare say there's a multiverse...)"

Do you believe in the multi-verse? I'm dubious. I think I prefer progressing schemes as opposed to Frank-style continuous schemes when it comes to rhyme. I did the continuous thing like last round and I don't know, it seems a bit hamstringing. So I liked that you didn't force the scheme of your first four lines through to here. All four rhymes here were top quality and, like your first line two lines, didn't sacrifice wording or content. So that's a strength of this section. I think I could have done without the second exclamation mark. I've done this type of writing (a sort of condescending tone) and enjoy it but I think one exclamation is enough. With just one it accentuates the fallacy you're pointing out, with two it starts to become a little preachy. Maybe that's not the right word but I'm sure you get my point. Not a big deal, just a personal preference. I liked the parenthetical phrase. It hinted at the sheer complexity and vastness of science and the amount that what we DON'T know, punctuating the hilarity of us thinking we can confidently say anything at all, at any time. Good line.

"We always think there's only one: you're a snowflake, the clover's 4th petal
But given all of nature's parity - what makes you think you're special?"

Good ending. I've written ending bars like this, a lot. The rhyme not as strong, and trying to encapsulate the whole spectrum of your thesis with a finer, more readily visible point can lead to a sort of rushed quality. Happens to me a lot. But you stated your point plainly here, which I always appreciate. I think that works well as ending, and you did well to use that tactic here.

Overall this was good. The rhymes, especially the opening lines and the middle of the verse, were top notch. The commentary was strong, touching on subjects ranging from thinking the earth is flat to the multiverse, all the while connecting it to man's central tendency to think they're important. Nice context to your point. I liked that you didn't out and out say the topic in your verse, but knew that your reader knew what it was and simply gave it nuance. Thanks for the read.

Diode:

"stirrups strapped tight, sight blurred up
skin stretched, demerol taking effect
contraction pain pulsing, reaction? delayed convulsion
exertion reaching critical but the end result is worth it"

Also a good opening. My only problem with this section was the 'up' after 'blurred'. The rest of your verse had this nice flow of wording, a freedom to not force anything because of your de-emphasis on rhyme. It was a strength. 'Up' was the only hitch you had, it just came at the start of the verse. I could see someone saying their vision's blurred up but it's a definite stretch. I think you would have been better served dropping the up, putting a comma after 'blurred', and adding another description that rhymes more smoothly with stirrups. My 2 cents. Other than that I liked this opening. You took the 10 line format and structured your verse for a maximum amount of different rhymes by mostly rhyming within line, at least for the first half of your verse. I liked that idea and you pulled it off. The actual descriptions here painted a picture for us. You didn't hold any punches in terms of the reality of birth (more on that in a second) and the fact you didn't romanticize the act led perfectly to your conclusion. Gritty truth. Nice start.

"vagina tears, crowns, delivery head down
placenta surfs a wave of crimson through the birth canal
symbiotic symbol of their affection, hopes, and dreams
comes into being breathing, bleating - turns to gasp, and screams"

Here's the 'more on that in a second'. Vagina tears, placenta surfs a wave a crimson. There's no softening up the act here. I actually think the use of crimson may have been a bit out of place. Trying a touch too hard to be unique; just say blood and be done with it. But I didn't really mind crimson, really. It was fine. The first two lines represent the end of your hard description and the next line transitions your piece into a more metaphorical tense, eventually leading to your end point. Nicely constructed. The lines that were descriptive did well in cementing the scene for the reader. Placenta surfs will get some snarky comments (Split Eight) but I didn't mind it. The last two lines here were fine. Symbiotic symbol was cool, the thought of the line a bit on the nose but needed to be said. The last line was our last dash of description, which was also fine. You like the word gasp.

"another face is born to live out another hundred years
and with a sudden swiftness, into the crowd, it disappears"

I really liked the last line in relation to your verse. You spent 9 lines describing the actual act of the birth and it's import to the parents and just one relating to the topic. And you did it without feeling like it was shoehorned in. It actually accented your wording; "sudden swiftness". Kind of 4th wall. Verse as a symbol for the content of the verse. You're so meta, Diode.

This was a lot better than your first round submission, in my opinion. You carried over the descriptive prowess but gave it a point. A good verse, thanks for the read.

--

This was damn near a toss up. Diode wrote one of his best/better verses. Oats came with his usual strong writing. In the end, I think Diode beat oats on a conceptual level (maybe not in terms of concept vs. concept but that he was a bit more laser-focused on his) but oats outwrote him by a non-ignorable margin. The best battle I've read so far (out of two!). Shame someone has to lose this one.

v/oats

[Split]

OATS

earth began as flat and central, man's signature flawed prediction:
Go too far and you'll fall off - into the middle of all existence

Cool opener. One thing about all your verses is every single one seems to be saying that THIS is the crux of human existence. Always speaking in hyperbole.

Stuck in traditional knowledge, smitten by all our typical botched admissions
Our physical laws are trivial novels - written as cosmic fiction

Great flow through here. "typical botched admissions" was unnecessarily lofty and also like, completely opposite of "signature flawed prediction" like either it's a tried and true fault of ours, or it's the tragic flaw that we never realized was there all along. Can't be both.


First there was only one Sun, the pinnacle of majesty!
...except for all the other solar systems riddled through the galaxy
Surely the Milky Way's unique - the epicentral pulse at work!

Dope imagery. Epicentral pulse was fantastic.

Just ignore the rest of them (and for god's sake don't dare say there's a multiverse...)
We always think there's only one: you're a snowflake, the clover's 4th petal
But given all of nature's parity - what makes you think you're special?

Lol cool. I do like the duality of the verse and it kinda explains away my criticism of the two conflicting descriptions I meant earlier. It's always nice to realize that the writer is a step or two ahead of the voter, it makes the verse that much more endearing... Not necessarily a "twist" but in a similar vein, like you had full control of your writing the whole time.



DIODE



stirrups strapped tight, sight blurred up
skin stretched, demerol taking effect
contraction pain pulsing, reaction? delayed convulsion

Didn't like the flow through this but good, detailer imagery. The third line was awkward.

exertion reaching critical but the end result is worth it
vagina tears, crowns, delivery head down
placenta surfs a wave of crimson through the birth canal

Didn't like the rhyming here or the imagery. I think this is personal preference, just a lot of discord between the description of a "placenta surfing" and the serious nature of your verse. Every time I read this, Misirlou plays in my head.


symbiotic symbol of their affection, hopes, and dreams
comes into being breathing, bleating - turns to gasp, and screams
another face is born to live out another hundred years
and with a sudden swiftness, into the crowd, it disappears

The feeling of disappointment when things do not fall beautifully in place. Would've been nice if you added a touch of happiness to an otherwise bleak verse, I feel like there was a lot of untapped potential that could've brought this piece around had the limit been more than 10 lines.

Still, props for attacking a complex emotion.



Good battle, I think that a couple of minor flaws in Diode's verse were simply blown out of proportion by Oats' verse. Oats had one of the best verses of the tourney so far,


V/ Oats

[Darth Yoda]

Cool. Oats delivered nicely. Diode did as well. I think Oats expanded in a more reasonable way, and easier. Diode took more interpreting, and when things are open for interpretation, they're either good, or detrimental. In this case? neither. It was moderately decent. Voting oats for clarity and just overall connection.

[kannon]

Honey Bunches Of Oats. Started off strong. Schemes were dope. I like the "our physical laws are trivial novels" line. Flow was pretty solid aside from the multiverse line. Ending was cool too. Kind of bringing it all around into one big "people have been wrong about shit for thousands of years, and you're wrong about this." It's a pretty creative way to tie into the topic as well. I felt like the progression of the piece was perfect, and it fit great into a ten bar structure. This might be one of the only pieces I've read yet than I genuinely dont think could have been improved if given more bars. This accomplishes everything it sets out to, without over-killing the idea, in a 10 bar frame. The only thing that made me kinda go "meh" was the second exclamation. I dont know why, but doing it twice kinda felt cheap to me? Like, you set the example, and then just added "IT'S GRRRRREEEAT!" which is fine once, but twice is meh. Other than that, I really liked this. Good shit, hombre.

You ain't gone Di'Ode, you gone die at 21 (I dont know why that line still stands out to me). First off: Gross. This is one of those times where your imagery makes me hate you. I dont wanna know the placenta's surfing patterns. Asshole. Ugh. *shivers* Anyway. First two bars seem short, but whatever. They set the scene. I can't quite decide if I love the ending, or if I hate it. I love the way it kinda commentates on how quickly people become their own identity, and with a "sudden swiftness" kids can kind of disappear from their parents life. Almost as if they aren't just another "face in the crowd" in the larger sense, but also in relation to their direct family. Conversely, I felt like you went from focusing 9 bars on one very specific incident, to jumping into a bit of a vague idea in the last bar. Overall, this was well written, if not too descriptive. And the topic work was pretty solid too...

You two are both obviously skilled writers, but two things decided this one for me. First, Oats's schemes in the first four bars were stupid dope. And second, I kinda just liked Oats's take on the topic more. I'm also coming to realize that having people write on the same topic is borderline useless. I dont think I've seen many battles where the topics were interpreted similarly.

Anyways, votes for oats.

[trap]

Both vivid verses, both followed a progressive timeline, both sharp with imagery. The only difference I really see is the progression of the lines. Oats' was more natural and chose a slant to the topic that was easier to work with, while Diodes felt more limiting, which while it created a really well thought out depiction, you could almost only write it in one way. Battle of the round, part two, goes to Oats in my eyes.

[Cormier]

Oats- pretty cool take on the topic. I like the tie in of people have had idiotic ideas before, so maybe you being special is another one. the rhyming was solid. i liked the different ideas you set forth and i thought you very much accomplished your idea in the 10 lines, which is obviously the hardest thing to do in this tournament. only negative i really see in this verse is that i think the 3rd and 8th lines are stretched quite a bit.

Diode- hmmm, the imagery was vivid, rhyming was subtle, which i liked. i like your idea on the topic very much, but i don't like that you only really spent one line on it. i think this verse definitely could have used a longer line limit. i feel like you have a great start to a longer verse, and then just had to rush the ending to tie it into the topic.

VOTE= Oats

[jilti]

Oats, well crafted verse. Didnt tie into the topic til the end of the verse which is a good thing. Rhyming mechanics were on point.
These lines stood out..


earth began as flat and central, man's signature flawed prediction:
Go too far and you'll fall off - into the middle of all existence
Stuck in traditional knowledge, smitten by all our typical botched admissions
Our physical laws are trivial novels - written as cosmic fiction
First there was only one Sun, the pinnacle of majesty!
...except for all the other solar systems riddled through the galaxy


Diode cool piece. Nice flow
this bar was dope..

vagina tears, crowns, delivery head down
placenta surfs a wave of crimson through the birth canal


Conclusion: Oats had a better more creative take on the topic. Both verses were good tho
Vote = Oats

[Soulstice]

oats - interesting piece. my one qualm was the opening line and how it segued into the ret of the piece. the earth being flat was reference to scientific knowledge and how it relates to the physics of the world, not really humanitys place - the rest of the allusions kind of built up to a call-out to human nature, in my mind, whereas the world being flat isnt a reference to humans at all. it still kind of worked, i guess, but it kind of stuck out to me. the writers voice was top notch though. it didnt get bogged down with overwhelming wording and i felt i was lectured to the whole time (in a good way)

diode - the wording here seemed a little over the top to me, as well as the syntax. it took away from the imagery in parts. i do like the way your story structure married to the concept. highlighting the birth of a human and then fastforwarding right to death highlights the fact that we really are just faces in the crowd. that was well done.

i think diode was conceptually tighter by a thread but oats writers voice and rhyming was better. voting oats

[Eŋg]

oats - your tone is didactic at times - which isn't a bad thing, i know, i say it a lot. and in fairness: i can see why. you do have some colour to offer the average grey matter. this was one of my better liked verses of the round, with particular resonance coming in the form of the final sentiment, though i might not entirely agree, it nails the topic. the parenthetical expression was cute. great ten liner.

diode - your final five lines were comfortably better than the five before them. this was a good verse, with something of a similar moral as your opponent's, i suppose, via vastly different approach. this was a little uninspired to begin with, for me, but improved as it progressed. it ended with something akin to a sobering thought too, which i think was good. out-written, though.

v/oats