Quarterfinals: 8. trap vs. 5. kannon \\ kannon wins 7-(-6)

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/wCR30UC.gif

Welcome to the quarterfinals!


The Basics

Check-ins are not required but are always appreciated.

Verses are due Thursday, Sept. 11 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday, Sept. 14 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Three votes are required from each competitor, one on each other battle. For each missing vote, two votes will be deducted. Don't worry about proving you voted, as I can handle it.

Verses may not exceed 12 lines. If the length of a writer's lines is called into question, the standard will be 15 words per line, and verses of more than 180 words will be disqualified or required to be shortened.

Standard writing and voting rules are in effect. No biting. No recycling. Votes must be explained. No editing verses after the first vote or the verses deadline. Any other issues will be resolved using Art of Writing League Season 3 rules as the basis.


Topic


The Good Life


Good luck, trap and kannon.

[trap]

started as ordinary people, seemed we were one and the same
sung you my sweet serenade, you deemed it part of the game
but you were driving me wild, wanted to make her say yes
she said don't quit your day job, i'm on a persuit of happiness
i saw love in the future, her beauty made me get lifted
felt like the man on the moon, so high, her mercy - it shifted
when i became finally famous, soon to be in the hall of fame
she tried that universal mind control, lending to blame
but girl, my name is my name - thought we were finding forever
the green light to heaven flickered, the fear of god was my endeavor
used to love u, day n nite, but time passed through this cruel summer
now i'm a legend, doing it big to a T, a common consequence to plunder

the g.o.o.d life.
read it twice.

[kannon]

The back windows rattled as they battled with the bass in the whip
We'd cruise and bump "The Good Life," smiles across our face as we dip...

His wagon was strong. No longer chasing the dragon along
For two years, found a new passion in the rapping of songs
But the back pain led to the Oxy.. Once the traction was on
You unfastened the bonds, and leapt into that rapturous calm
Syringe to plasma, the disaster rode the tracks in his arm
An "unpredictable relapse," You were the blackest of swans
They found his body collapsed in the back of an Acura; gone
Fetal, or fatal position... Grasping at straws when I answered the call

Now every time I hear that line on Graduation I skip...
"The Good Life," How can I smile knowing that you died chasing that shit...

[Adonis]

Trap - Didn't like the GOOD life and read it twice bit. Basically an insult to readers grasp of concept as well as your writing to be honest. I loved the flow, was fairly butter. Started off dope and gradually tapered down to something between dope and above average??? Anyways, it Ironic that I didn't like the GOOD life reference because I don't think I fully get the concept. That, and to be honest I'm not hip to social media and popularity/ break ups and love affairs and shit. So I took this as literal, Kim and Kanye, the self proclaimed GOD of hip-hop, and to be fully honest, every album he solo produced or put out is pure GOLD. So in a sense, I agree, but I hate him so..... I had one HUGE quarrel with your verse though, and this is one that will actually play a part in my voting decision. "We were one and the same, sang you my sweet serenade, you deemed part of the game.....Then this...Wanted to Make her say yes...Tense change irked me something fierce. All in all, solid flow, but considering content and concept, I will say this is going to be undervalued in my vote as the route you chose just doesn't peek my interest.


Diggs - Fuck you and your chasing dragon reference. Even though you admitted that you heard it before reading that verse, I still feel like I played an integral role in a Mormon (ex), fully grasping the concept. Also I hate you for disliking my reference, yet you did the same thing only less witty. Anyways, smooth read, butter transitions and all while keeping a condensed rhyme scheme executing a rather well thought out and personable concept. You will get my vote. You wrote a touching topic, not packed with emotion, as that aspect of the verse was left to interpretation to reader considering closer, but the writing still left enough facts and imagery that I felt for the characters. Simply put, SOLID verse be it 12 or 32 lines.


Voting Kan Diggs

[PancakeBrah]

Trap -

I have to say I think this was uneven. I knew what you were doing as soon as I read 'Sweet Serenade'. I like that song. The way it was placed in that line seemed odd so I did a quick skim and found my assumption was correct. You sacrificed smooth wording and a more interesting, nuanced story for a gimmick, in my estimation.

"started as ordinary people, seemed we were one and the same
sung you my sweet serenade, you deemed it part of the game
but you were driving me wild, wanted to make her say yes
she said don't quit your day job, i'm on a persuit of happiness"

Just some weird stuff going on here. The third line in particular was off. You were talking directly to this woman up to the second half of that line. But there you used 'her' and it was an awkward, unnecessary shift to aid an already soft rhyme. Also the last line could be read two different ways as it's unclear if she said that (continuing the first half of the line) or if it's a new thought from you. A period or quotation mark would've cleared it up, maybe.

"i saw love in the future, her beauty made me get lifted
felt like the man on the moon, so high, her mercy - it shifted
when i became finally famous, soon to be in the hall of fame
she tried that universal mind control, lending to blame"

The wording here was off as well. 'Her mercy - it shifted' is just awkward to me, mercy should be replaced with something more apt. 'Lending to blame' is in the same boat. The references continued steadily, but I'm not sure if you're getting points for that in the grand scheme of things.

"but girl, my name is my name - thought we were finding forever
the green light to heaven flickered, the fear of god was my endeavor
used to love u, day n nite, but time passed through this cruel summer
now i'm a legend, doing it big to a T, a common consequence to plunder"

In the first line you resume the direct conversation style after abandoning it abruptly in the third line of the verse. I think the 'now I'm a legend' transition was way to abrupt. The ending left me wanting. 'Consequence to plunder' was another phrase I didn't like.

So, this was a gimmick verse. Topic's The Good Life and every line has at least one reference to a song released by an artist associated with The Good Life conglomerate. I don't think this tactic is particularly difficult to pull off and often costs a verse more than it adds, especially if it's the main point. The story and writing, ignoring the references, really suffered from blandness and off wording because of your trope. In my mind, it's tough to reconcile the point of this approach to the topic. It's creative, I guess, but reads more like a grocery list than a topical verse. I don't mean to be harsh. I've enjoyed your verses in this tournament up to this point but I think you made a fundamental tactical error here.

Kannon -

I think this was your best verse of the tournament. You cranked up the rhyming a bit and your strength, flow, was still here in spades. You wrote in a way that aligns with my interests as a voter. I think the drug tragedy is a thoroughly beaten horse (says the guy who wrote a drug user verse last round) but you keenly incorporated the topic and infused some nice writing touches that lead to real expression of emotion in relation to a tired approach.

"The back windows rattled as they battled with the bass in the whip
We'd cruise and bump "The Good Life," smiles across our face as we dip..."

Nice, perfunctory opening. Set up the ending. Rhyme was solid. Not much to say here.

"His wagon was strong. No longer chasing the dragon along
For two years, found a new passion in the rapping of songs
But the back pain led to the Oxy.. Once the traction was on
You unfastened the bonds, and leapt into that rapturous calm"

'Rapturous calm' was nice. I'm not sure if 'traction was on' is forced wording or I'm just missing something. I'm an idiot so it's probably the latter. I guess some voters might think 'the rapping of songs' is off wording but I liked it, personally. Very nice pace here.

"Syringe to plasma, the disaster rode the tracks in his arm
An "unpredictable relapse," You were the blackest of swans
They found his body collapsed in the back of an Acura; gone
Fetal, or fatal position... Grasping at straws when I answered the call"

'The disaster rode the tracks in his arm' is either a played concept or good wording, depending on who you ask. I thought it was good. This isn't a battle, so a nicely placed wordplay, even if it's been done before, doesn't hurt. I liked 'acura; gone'. I enjoyed this half of the body of your verse more than the first half, although both were strong.

"Now every time I hear that line on Graduation I skip...
"The Good Life," How can I smile knowing that you died chasing that shit..."

Strong ending, I liked this quite a bit. Shows you had a concept and executed on it to a tee. I like how you recalled your initial rhyme from the opening after keeping one completely different scheme throughout the body of the verse. Not a difficult trick but a nice touch.

Overall, I didn't have much to say when breaking down your verse. This is a good thing. Everything was succinct, and no space was wasted. There was hardly any negatives to note, except maybe a wording mis-use here or there, possibly. One of the tightest verses I've read in this tourney. No loose ends, perfectly encapsulated. I wouldn't say this is a great verse, in terms of HOF-level, but it scratched the surface. A tough verse to beat, indeed.

-

I think kannon took this. Trap has the talent and ability to beat kannon, or they're pretty close when both are operating at full strength. I just disliked his approach this round and kannon wrote his best verse of the tournament thus far. Thanks for the read guys.

v/ kannon

[oats]

Trap: the deployment of references to John Legend/Common/Kid Cudi
tracks was effective in evoking Kanye, which worked given the title (I
immediately think of the song when I read "the good life"). They never
forced the flow, either, which is commendable; it's easy to start
squeezing shit in there for the sake of the approach and compromise
your rhythm in doing so. The flow here was on point.

That being said, the content of the verse was pretty thin. I imagine the word "gimmick" will be tossed around a bit, and rightfully so. There wasn't a whole lot going on beyond the song/album references; the actual narrative was pretty thin. Also, despite the rhythm and flow being on point in the verse, the wording was clunky at times - the lifted/shifted couplet stands out in particular.

Overall, this wasn't a bad verse. There was plenty to like about the ease of the flow and accessibility of the content. But at this stage in the tournament, I can't see this being too successful. It was more of a word association exercise than an actual topical verse, if that makes sense.


Kannon: at first, I must admit that I rolled my eyes a bit at the incorporation of the song "the good life" in the topic "the good life." Though that could have been a bit of the hangover from the feeling of trap's verse. In any case, you didn't linger too long on the song title, and you built a strong narrative off of it that subverted the topic effectively. I really like your storytelling. This is no exception. The simplicity of language belies the humanity of the characters, and it's easy to connect with. Add smooth flow to the mix and it's a great combination.

The only qualms I have here are small instances of wording. "Rapping of songs" was a little campy to me, and "the back pain" and "the oxy" instead of "back pain led to oxy" being the only examples really. Nothing major, nothing that could possibly tip the scales against you, but for the sake of offering something useful, those were my two cents.

Vote: Kannon got this comfortably in my opinion. Trap's verse could have potentially carried him through in one of the earlier rounds, but not enough to compete with Kannon's well-rounded showing. This was a good match, and I hope both of you guys stick around for the AOWL when it pops back up again.

[Soulstice]

Phone vote.

Trap - this was executed well. It's a slippery slope with this kind of gimmick (if you will). It can easily lead to a very corny piece. However you were able to put a lot of references into the verse and keep committed to the direction. Of the piece. Nice work. The end kind of came abruptly. You were all about this girl then suddenly you're a legend and don't care anynore. Would've liked to see the transition to that be more developed. Overall a well executed piece though

Kan - I liked this. Story wise there were no holes. Your characters were developed I'm the first two lines and there was no odd plot devices. Back pain is a perfect reason to relapse into pain pills and go on to heroin. The ending was good too as our character displayed his grief I a way that suggests it's permanent. Original plot devices and tight rhyming gives you the edge.

Voting Kanno for a more polished piecd

[Split]

TRAP:

started as ordinary people, seemed we were one and the same
sung you my sweet serenade, you deemed it part of the game
but you were driving me wild, wanted to make her say yes
she said don't quit your day job, i'm on a persuit of happiness
i saw love in the future, her beauty made me get lifted
one minor complaint already is the subject agreement errors. I know you're talking about you & a girl so it's not too hard to figure it out, but the narrator switches between I, you, me, and she a ton of times. a little sloppy


haha I get it. Completely forgot some of those albums, thought it was a Kid Cudi tribute verse bc I picked up on every Cudi song & missed most of the others on the first read through.

It is an okay take on the topic... I mean, the story is really rather loosely wound together and there is a lot that happens in so few lines... your wording/ flow of ideas was above par for the first three or four lines, but then you started jumping around and running out of songs that would work easily into your verse. I noticed you used a lot of Cudi, maybe because his verse titles (and his better albums) all operate along one main thematic tangent, the Cudi titles gave your verse most of its cohesion. Was not really satisfied with the verse but I can appreciate how difficult these can be, and this one wasn't done poorly. Tough approach choice given so few lines.

KANNON.

Cool verse. I liked what you did her, the descriptions of addiction were potent. rapturous calm. blackest of swans. both of those were highlights of the battle for me. Pretty smooth ending but the frame of the story was pretty trite. Where I was when X tragedy happened. No matter

Good showing of skill by each, but I think Kannon's attention to his verses smooth storytelling and technical fluidity along with one or two highly memorable concepts stole the show

V/ kannon

[Certain]

kannon leads 5-0.

[Darth Yoda]

I thought I voted on this before, pardon me my computer, the one i use to surf the net randomly is really bad! I said the concept trap tried to materalize was a bit too much, where as kannon smooth surfed his way through. Each one had their little slip ups mechanically but it wasnt anything really to complain or to take note of...that being said kannon delivered a crisp and well connected verse, where trap seemed to lose a step here and there...he did impress me with a few lines, but the connection wasnt as strong as the opponents.

but girl, my name is my name - thought we were finding forever
the green light to heaven flickered, the fear of god was my endeavor

^ the build up here was great..if you did this throughout the verse it wouldve been even more closely contested!

I must make note of kannons story telling here, it was really cool and fluid. Gr8 stuff bub. Voting kannon

[Eŋg]

trap - without scanning the votes before me, i had no idea this was a gimmick verse, and would have said it was only an average verse. grasping the concept, as ill-fitting as i think it is for this format, this was above average. there were, like others said, some confusion with personal pronouns. i think that's what they're called. anyway, we're already constricted by the line and word limit cap, we have to write with respect to the assigned topic, and then you want to tighten the corners of the box we have here even further? you've cut off half the room with which to move in this arena. i don't think it was a wise move - without knocking your writing ability, which is good to great, though unremarkable here. your approach played a part in that. it was an odd move. based on reading you each through this tourney, i thought the two of you were pretty evenly matched. no favours were done with this.

kann - unquestionably a solid verse and probably the best entry i've read from you yet. this wasn't fancy, but your style isn't. it's stripped down, in no bad way, and extremely intelligible and reader-friendly. i might value that more than most because i never was, and probably won't be, adept at writing for my audience. i don't think the rapping of songs was forced. and major props for using the semi-colon correctly while making the rhyme possible and uncontrived - though answered the call was just a bit too slanted for me. that middle segment was strong, and sandwiched between two complimentary couplets on either side. the metronome was good, as was the pacing. everything was wrapped up nicely. you didn't do much of anything wrong here, and i enjoyed the read. thanks.

probably the only lopsided battle this week. no offence.

v/kannon

[Certain]

I'm closing this with kannon up 7-0 and all six required votes being cast in it.