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View Full Version : Quarterfinals: 6. Soulstice vs. 2. oats \\ Soulstice wins 6-2


Certain
09-08-2014, 05:57 PM
http://i.imgur.com/wCR30UC.gif

Welcome to the quarterfinals!


The Basics

Check-ins are not required but are always appreciated.

Verses are due Thursday, Sept. 11 at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday, Sept. 14 at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Three votes are required from each competitor, one on each other battle. For each missing vote, two votes will be deducted. Don't worry about proving you voted, as I can handle it.

Verses may not exceed 12 lines. If the length of a writer's lines is called into question, the standard will be 15 words per line, and verses of more than 180 words will be disqualified or required to be shortened.

Standard writing and voting rules are in effect. No biting. No recycling. Votes must be explained. No editing verses after the first vote or the verses deadline. Any other issues will be resolved using Art of Writing League Season 3 rules as the basis.


Topic


Only in Dreams


Good luck, Soulstice and oats.

Soulstice
09-08-2014, 07:35 PM
Electric screams set the scene on the night of my death
Red glares spilled on my bed where I silenced my breath
Steel grip tightly abreast, my eyes wild, suggests I'm gliding to ecstasy
by the design of its weaponry - my titanium sex machine.
Its Sara-Beta, the serenading mecha-lady. Programmed fetishes and quirks
come from tessellating metadata. I was replicating her
Before her drift to tragedy - My last kiss with heaven's maiden
Was under power lines screaming towards distant galaxies
Her blissful majesty - it's different from this sexual elation
I think, as I drag my cigarette, discontent & next to my creation
It asks me if I love it. Like some function had it fuck for the truth.
I tell her I can love in my dreams. Angry beeping. "DOESN'T. COMPUTE."

oats
09-11-2014, 10:04 PM
Hokulea

you made the moon feel afraid it was traducement of your luminous face
as your hair danced between the trade winds to the music we played
you were an aura, stardust poured down from a cumulus space
indentured to human edges - trapped against the lunar embrace
sunlight was peer pressure, truth that ruined the illusions we made
the night rumored a future - the day whispered a past to exhume and retrace
pugilistic with fate. the sweet science of the spirit, balled fists to the heavens
undressed defiance. your body’s temple felt like it was melted in existing dimensions
we were immortal for a night, our youth the air of our dreams
as petals pooled in the moonlight of the plumeria tree
we dared to believe in the star-crossed passion that we discovered -
for love and dreams only exist because we need each other

NYCSPITZ
09-13-2014, 01:14 PM
Excellent clash of two flowering titans

Soul:

Starting off, this is dope because you engage a lot of the senses here. Screams (hearing), red glares spilling (sight), silencing one's breath (feeling) etc. Engages the reader and provokes immense curiosity tbh. This great to me because some people have a kinesthetic preference, while others are dominantly visual or auditory, although ofcourse we're all pretty proficient with all of our senses. Great way to set up a feeling of suspense re. how your character is going to die and the action that seems pregnant in the first two lines. The next couplet is lolz, a sex machine! Your writing is deft enough to keep my attention and override the funny factor to the point where I'm still more interested in the story at hand so props on that. Adds another emotional twist which is important imo in a short verse tournament like this. These lines create a powerful dynamic between characters. Obviously this is written in first person but who's more powerful. You're a wild eyed, fucking shit crazy scientist ready to die next to a TITANIUM fucking sex machine? Both sound powerful, I wonder what the fuck is going on here? You're tightly abreast of this sex beast, the tension's climbing, what the fuck is happening here? Hahahahaha so she's a beta program??? So you're replicating her on some boss shit? Dope. Thought you were going to die though???? Anyways this wording was dope, and at this point I thought the machine was going to just bug out and destroy this dude. Next three lines, very thought provoking! You kiss her and suggest that the true magic here is in her design, something transcendent and separate from the animal urge to fuck. Power lines from the galaxies suggests some new genius powerful energy sourced from BEYOND was this mecha whore's power source. Cool sci-fi material here gawd. The ending is dope and a bit ambiguous but I think that makes it work really well here. Blade Runner type shit, consciousness spreading to non organic entities and all that. So you fuck her then you kiss her. But you're more, like, kissing an idea. Something greater than her or you or anybody. Even the Milky Way is microscopic compared to the seething chemistry of your vision. Trying to transcend the self. Going beyond, becoming super-human. Iiight the ending was really illy my nilly, no diggity nigga. To be real the only thing I was confused about was that you said you're gonna die then you didn't die. Like what, an idea died? Cool twist though bruv. No0, on some real shit, like 9-9.5/10 type of shit here chav.


Oats:

Aiight loverboy, I see you, traducement of her luminous face, ayeeeeeeee pretty tight shit there G. Hair dancing and shit, oh so this bitch is real sexy? Good, good. Trade winds? Like Central and South American bitches type shit? Now we're talking. So you're making this woman seem like a Goddess which usually I'd say is a bit cloying but I like the rhyme connections, slant rhymes and whatnot, and your flowcabulary was good enough to pull this off on some gawd shit. TO be honest this is sort of an opposite notion but I'm remembering a quote now, something like "there is only one woman, one woman, with many faces." Anyways, you got this lord thinking so applause there. Continue the feeling of majesty, we're all stardust, but she's on a higher level type thing. Ok. Indentured to human edges, trapped against the lunar embrace. WOOOOO that's hot. Poetic. And yet the burning intensity of the SUN serves as an all encompassing barometer to keep all this from getting out of hand, becoming too saccharine. The next line is ill and sort of speaks to me beyond words, that shit speaks to me in FEELINGS and shit. Like you're with your "soulmate" or any one of the thousands upon thousands of bitches bitches you can feel that way with, but irrespective of who there's a fleeting feeling followed by day's lingering glow and interest to go deeper.

Yea phone voting so not gonna break down the rest. Read both more than once. For a gripping voice and imo more impactful finish, mvgt soulstice

Darth Yoda
09-14-2014, 02:42 PM
Quite alright. Both took their own advances into their own interpretations. Soulstice took an almost stretched route.....Oats took a more dreamlike love route, which is ok. In originality, I'd say Soulstice clearly edged it! Mechanically I think they were on par for hte most part but oats has this consistent knack of matching things and syllables. Soulstice stretched a bit of his lines, but it worked........ and soulstice also has a knack, I think of rhyming whatever he feels is fit best to just progress the story a bit more. It was quite cool. It pains me to say I think oats had a cool, touching verse. But I think the repitition of moons are reminiscent to bb's piece (not sure if he posted this) and one of my favorite poems from db where one of his moonlight lines are top 10 quotables. I think they had a collaborated effort there. It just seems regular here, and since thats what comes to mind when comparing the metaphor, it doesnt have that luster because of what was done with it already. In 12 lines you did great oats, but I think in a creative edge and overall, soulstice performed a hair better. And I can see it swinging either way. Voting Soulstice!

UnbornBuddha
09-14-2014, 05:06 PM
Wow both were exceptional. Oats had a bit better cadence, but Soulstice was not far behind in terms of the rhythmic continuum. Oats lunar allegory was quite beautiful, and gave the image of a serene night of love that metaphorically resembled the majestic star. A star whose constellation and planetary revolutions around us are linked to the fondest embrace. The moon is a quite a nice image giving us comfort and illumination through the darkest time of the day, the night, although the image of the moon though timeless has been done before. The wording itself was poetic, and contrived a natural mental image that has significance to all of us, especially those who find the nighttime exceptionally delightful in its innocence and silence.

As for Soulstice his verse had such comical twist to it a profundity arose from it. His ending was quite original. An ending that made quite clear the separation in cognizance between the artificial life form and that of humanity. Humanity are dreamers, which by extension has intangibility. Now because of this dreams we can create tangibly things that are out of this world like artificial life which manifested consciousness. However, because its consciousness functions in computation and logical algorithms it cannot comprehend the various facets of love. Love to the machine in Soulstice's narrative had a material nature to it. Though one can easily surmise that love isn't material at all.
But to the machine whose frame is nuts and bolts love had this functional substantiality that demanded reciprocity. However, the creator of this machine could only love in his dreams. This idea alone is quite the exemplification of the nuts and bolts of the various realms the human heart can traverse to.

Both were entertaining. Yet my evaluation points to an inclination to one.
Therefore, my vote goes out to Soulstice for an intriguing and comical read.

Vulgar
09-14-2014, 09:37 PM
Soulstice - Charmingly written, honestly though, I've seen or read this approach too many times to call it original. The wording was good, as was the pacing and rhyming. Let's see what oats brings to the table.

oatmeal - Love verses are tough to pull off but you manage to do it justice here. The use of elegant language and shiny visuals was on display, the only sharp edge maybe was "traducement." It most likely stuck out to me because I've never seen it before, but it was a little chunky nonetheless in the first line like that.

I generally enjoyed oats more. Nice battle.

dead man
09-14-2014, 11:10 PM
soulstice -- your mindset seems either futurist or historic when you sit down to write. this was obviously a case of the former. electric noire. gray steel and sepia. shadows from window blinds. i was thoroughly impressed with the direction you took. reminds me of "Her" in a very literal way. it also reminds me of a video i saw one time documenting the life of a japanese(?) man who had built himself what could only be considered an army of sex dolls. these fucking things littered the entire apartment. i was disturbed by his lifestyle but fascinated by his craftsmanship and dedication. i mean the things were beautifully done. these resemble how i imagine your counterpart in this work. everything is read through a rough filter of context and experience and that is something to remember for everyone writing descriptive work of any kind.

replicating her -- was an odd choice of words and i did not quite follow..

ending was a bit sad and lonely. but lent weight to the topic itself. ONLY IN DREAMS. very nice.

fuck oats. why you do this man? i loved this verse. stellar imaginative word choices. very easy to follow. it was a beachside sunset and a salty kiss. well written, well expressed. solid as fuck from the standpoint of one who appreciates the extremely niche art of a 10 line topical work. your only problem is that this is not the open mic. this is a battle, a match of wits, and a contest to decide who makes a more intriguing contribution to the thread BASED ON the topic provided. herein lies our issue - while i can comfortably say that your verse was 'mechanically' written better and contained elements which most usually prescribe to a successful topical work, i cannot say i enjoyed your overall approach to the topic anywhere near the level i did soul's. the archetypical, 'love verse', as vulgar pointed out, is tough to make your own. that being said, i think you succeeded. you wrote an excellent short verse in the name of passion and love and whatever emotional charge you were going for. but it was not successful, for me, in capturing the topic in an imaginative and unique manner. which is what i tend to weigh my votes over moreso than anything else.

today, soul had the better idea. he takes the contest.

V. SOULSTICE

thanks

Certain
09-14-2014, 11:58 PM
Soulstice leads 4-1.

Eŋg
09-15-2014, 12:38 AM
soul - really dug the storytelling, which was at times exceptional. incidentally, i'm listening to alt-j while i write these votes and that tessellating line resonated perhaps more than it should have and produced a wry smile - though i'm listening to their latest LP, not the first. anyway, even though you do not punctuate to distinguish when not, the instances you used enjambment were excellent. you've a great knack for fleshing the reader's mind with palpable imagery compounded by your stellar wording. rhythmically, this all worked for me. night of my death/my last kiss was the loosest of reprisals. your writing begins lending itself to almost only description, and it morphs into something more abstract/less concrete, broadening the scope with reference to heaven and distant galaxies before killing the vignette, abruptly, with mention of a cigarette. everything descends into that infinitesimal moment in time when one enjoys the burn of a tobacco to compliment the post-coital tristesse. if i hadn't been there, and i have (woo), that might not have spoken so much to me. the ending was almost darkly comical, but there's the undertone of a brooding essence beneath, trying to find some solace. or understanding? for both man and machine. reminded me of L'Homme Machine ever so vaguely. a fun read.

oats - can i be ambitious and suggest this wasn't about love? that's incorrect, actually. it was about love, no matter the lens i offer, but was it not about a woman? your title, for one, the voyaging canoe. then the several mentions of the moon evoke an open air - the satisfying of a bucolic yearning? or the seafarer's lantern on open waters? the fourth line, alone, provoked something of a caprice for me to change my perspective on this piece entirely. indentures could apply both contractually (between man and sea/earth) and in its antiquated definition. lunar embraces was more than a pretty abstraction, and spoke on the relationship between moon and water concerning gravitational pull? i don't know. i could be way off, but as a regular ode, even with your abstractions, this didn't click for me. my second perspective harmonizes much of the incongruity i previously read. this is about Polynesian/Hawaiian history, ancients forging watery paths with the celestial bodies as guide. the dream to discover helped populate those islands/your people? read like that, this piece is nuts to me and infinitely more impressive. and it was good before. you'll have to let me know if i've made a fool of myself here. traducement was a bit off to me, probably because i'm unfamiliar with the word, but lunar embrace/illusions we made/exhume and retrace was superb. your talent for wispy, ethereal and quintessential depiction here were great.

i could have misfired terribly, but i'll stand by my word.

v/oats

Split
09-15-2014, 12:58 AM
sorry for the abbreviated vote right now, im falling asleep in my chair and will elaborate in the chat thread for next round. in regards to feedback to each writer.

Loved the multidimensionality of Soulstice's verse. Great wording and word choice, especially. There's always a feeling of personality intrinsically attached to everything you write, as if you sample your experience and extrapolate it in profound and creative ways. the verse is a little oddly mechanical in its conclusion, just because of the foreshsdowed letdown that plays a key role in conveying your topic. the distinctly human factor of love. in a way, misunderstanding... or incongruence meeting in a wrapping of fitted curves. statistically evens out be statistics are never fair. this is that math and logic of love boiled down to its essence.

oats. a dream girl with whom things are too good to be true and things feels unreal and rattle apart. that is my first impression. natural imagery is very becoming of your verse. liked the metaphors and figurative language, but some instwnces left me scratching my head. ending was ephemeral but not quite sure-footed. i promise to elaborate.

great battle. botw. I really want to give oats the W for his gorgeous description and gentle, dreamlike narrative tone, but i think the raw industrial message and tinge of disappointment gave SOULSTICE's verse a fantastic and unique interpretation


v/ soul and sorry again forrubgish vote

kannon
09-15-2014, 01:23 AM
Soul. This was really dope. I like that you had a bit of a comedic twist to the end, but it was still complex and well structured. Everything from the red glare to the steel grip. And I really liked the "design of its weaponry" line. Schemes were on point, flow was dope mostly. And it speaks as a metaphor for our obsession with technology. All that shit that I'm sure other people have said. This was really cool. Good job.

Oats. So I read through the piece once and thought it was cool. Really well written as far as the lines being eloquent and sounding all sorts of mushy. But I felt like there was something a little deeper to this piece, so I googled Hokulea. It's a boat. And that made this piece so much better to me. It takes a simple love story between two people that everyone has heard a million times (albeit still beautifully written) and turns it into a mans love affair with the sea. At least I hope to shit that's what this is supposed to be haha. Anyways, I'm trying to knock this out quick, so I apologize if this isn't super thorough, but I liked this a lot. The flow was dope and the language was beautiful. Really solid piece.

This is another close one. I think the realization that oats' piece was deeper than just a love poem made it a stronger piece, definitely. But I still kinda favored Soulstice overall. His piece was just a little more enjoyable to me. The mechanics were pretty even. But soul got me on the creativity.

Vote soulstice