Week 2 - Mike Wrecka vs TopicalDood5 - MIKE WRECKA WINS

[Mike Wrecka]

Memo week 2.
Greetings competitors, we continue on with a more conceptual challenge. I have noticed an alarming trend on this netcees.com - users calling each other fa***ts, ni***rs, his***ics and ret***s. DIVERSITY WEEK, include the group you are given in your writing. Note, it does not need to be a positive representation, or a support-type verse, just include some reference to the group you were given. Again, the group does not have to necessarily be the focus of your writing, or even be a correct/accurate representation, as a minimum you only need include a reference to the task you were given. You can write about anything you like. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks

SPECIFIC TASK - Khazars


Due date - Wednesday Midnight PST

Good Luck TopicalDood5

[Mike Wrecka]

gonna need the 24 hr extension

[Soulstice]

sure thing

[Mike Wrecka]

The Pillage of a Village on the Silk Road


reverse the sands of time and observe the fertile crescent,
as the Khazars are diligently searching for a purple essence,
during this era it was referred to as the serpents necklace,
because it was found inside the throat of a certain menace,
see when the venom of a cobra is given to a working chemist,
it could be manufactured into a pigment, considered by merchants precious,
the winds of trade blew across the silk road, hurting peasants,
because once snakes were found in a village, people were seen as worthless tenants,
so these communities viewed themselves as being cursed by their presence,
and they turned to drastic methods to be rid of this slithering tempest,
raising and releasing mongooses in numbers that approached tremendous,
was a plan expertly executed, but the results were still horrendous,
that scheme nearly brought the whole village pitifully to its knees,
when it was found these animals carried an easily transmittable disease,
try as they might none of it worked, these commoners kept getting hurt,
people dying for the dye found in the most ornate shirts,
while the Khazar King smirked, getting richer by the day,
exporting brightly colored fabrics, to lands far away,
but the wealth wasn't spread, conditions for the misplaced grew more vile,
until finally, the color purple was considered out of style,
a mercantile, shift allowed the land seized to be freed,
as the focus shifted to the other side of Khazar, the Persian Gulf seas,
see it was found when an octopus is carefully dissected,
the blue ink found inside could then be collected,
periwinkle scarves, navy pants all colored so bright you could be blinded,
but no one ever asked if the little village that sat on the coast minded,
and so the circle of commerce continues, there is nothing these people could do for a while,
except wait until next season, when blue is out of style
a color wheel of terror, that only the poorest will know,
all this suffering, just so the wealthy could have special clothes,
but the Khazars aren't special, this practice was here to stay,
look down at your sneakers, this still takes place today

[Soulstice]

Holiday.

From the oak-stained porch you can hear more than porsche reports
Although all five cylinders fire like live dillingers
The current court implores for quiet like wise ministers
Light whispering - the trade route for the harrowing gifts
That come with secrets that might as well travel on fists
Then the gasp and the lip twitch - the vicious reveal of the plight
Remind us that shadows exist near the idyllic veneer of the light.

Past his prime; hear the shallow ***kle of a fractured mind
Bouncing off the mahogany touches of his hallowed shrine
Where he swallows the crimes of the dastardly duchess
All those rotting bones in the back of her cavernous Cutlass
She acquired with felonious tact - these facts grow like
a corrosive cohort of plaque - the same his throats mired with
He desires to tell-all of her conniving control
But the old sickly man must settle with dying alone

Sex is power - manifested in the desperate hours of dawn
Lovely sodomy festers behind the pastoral houses and lawns
And when their spouses are gone ... any economy treasures
The rare moment when their free of their locks and their fetters
So bring in the popular fellas - kings of the social political
Commence coup d'etat, begin the petroleum ritual
The post-moaning residuals consist of confusion and brooding thought
What is loosely called opportunity - the conclusion to her loosened maw
Do it all - take it all - womans haughty immunity
Becomes blurred when it comes to what she's done to her family
A buried secret means she'll live in grace to eternity
One slipped tongue and her memory'll be laced with hostility
The luck of the legacy left.. it varies in concept
With as much rhyme and reason as Khazarian conquests

The parked porsche has just emptied but they're all itching to leave
Dressed in black talking smack - "what a bitch" "what a freak"
"A far cry from her mother, if only her father could talk
We'd hear stories of how she lived the Gospel of God..
.. but his daughter is not anything like her - what a slut
And she'd strut around like nothings up.. hey, is that a porsche?
I thought you drove a Camry?.." "No, the company's getting another tax breaks..
It sure seems like Senator Landry supports the family, huh?"

[Certain]

Mike Wrecka: After writing my verse Monday night, I started to look at the other topics and familiarize myself with them. With that said, I don't actually think much of the history here lines up. That's not a deal-breaker, though, particularly since I can't call myself anything close to an expert on the Khazars. So I'll give you a break and step outside of Khazar history for a moment. I liked the content of this verse a lot. Well before you put a bow on it at the end, I had picked up the themes you were going for in terms of the cycle of desperate third-world countries. I thought the rhyming became a bit tedious at times early, when you used the same basic rhyme for 12 lines. I'd have preferred a few of those rhymes to be used as internals. In general, the scheme was simplistic, though I understand the demanding subject matter pushed technical pursuits to the background a bit. The content was definitely king, though, and a bit more originality in phrasing or flexing of lyricism would have been appreciated and helped the flow of ideas by keeping readers on their toes and interested.

TopicalDood5: I liked a lot about this verse, but how does it relate to the topic? I read this story a few times and tried to impart what I know about the Khazars onto it, and it just didn't connect to me. That's a pretty big strike, unlike Mike Wrecka's loose interpretation of Khazar history. Having said that, the story was good. Your rhymes are strong, obviously, but your phrasing is less consistent. There are times when the twists of phrase really jump off the screen and impress me but others where you are too opaque. I recognize that writing these styles of verses is not akin to writing prose or even free-verse poetry, but I think specifically when you have a story to deliver, being direct can help your message. Mostly, though, the problem was with the relation to the topic. I thought your verse was better than Mike Wrecka's, without factoring that in. But the point of this league is to challenge writers to step outside their comfort zones by following specific tasks, and you seemed to look for a way to shirk that.

Vote: Mike Wrecka

[Brian Bryan]

Chea, this is what I’m talking about!

First off LOL @ mentioning the Silk Road, it reminded me of the drug website found via Tor for my drug paraphernalia heads who know what I mean haha! I also don’t agree with what Serpent said regarding the rhymes being ‘basic’, far from it actually, I’m a huge fan of multi-strings and think as a technical aspect, when used correctly, they really help the mechanics of a verse – and sometimes flow - depending on their usage and rhyme placement. It’s a really underrated skill, and one most of us can do, but not everyone can do well. That’s the difference for me. Mike Wrecka is actually pretty dope with it, despite our earlier back and forth trollscapades, the homie definitely knows what he’s doing on this turf and always goes hard. This was no exception. The flow in the opening four was dope, felt some of the lines gradually got longer in length and syllable count as he went on, fluctuating towards the middle and end, but never to the point it was detrimental. I thought he stuck to the topic ferociously, knew how he wanted to approach this and tackled it really well. Very polished verse, drive to his writers voice which moved the piece along at pace and made what wasn’t a short read feel as though it was anyway due to this. I’m impressed. I’ve read many pieces by this guy in the past, so I can’t say I’m surprised, but dudes a problem and he showed that here. Great showing IMHO.

TopicalDood5: Wack name, great lyricist - Simply put haha! The imagery from the jump of this piece showed where his strengths lie, loved the “oak-stained porch” visual to start, really helped build that mental picture of the scene he was conveying and I got this image of something from the Stepford Wives with the white-picket fence, freshly mowed lawn and so forth. The five cylinders fire like live dillingers was dope wording also, liked the switch in scheme also there, it caught me off guard – but it works for the purpose it was used in. The contrast between the light of the millionaire-esque lifestyle and the dark being allured to in that opening stanza made it really impressive too, always liked that juxtaposition between the dark and the light. Great idea.

Lovely sodomy festers behind the pastoral houses and lawns

I’m typing as I read back through here, but I think that line I quoted shows more so what I meant with what I had just said from his verse haha! TopicalDood5 did meet the requirements of the task, by mentioning Khazar’s towards the end of his third stanza – so really Serpent’s comment is void here, but I do agree that he met it by a margin whereas Mike Wrecka tended to really go the whole hog and presented a verse based in facts on a well-rehearsed topic. This could be one of those that comes down to personal preference, I guess in this case I agree, but I do feel like Mike wrote more directly with the topic in mind whereas TopicalDood5 only alluded to it and tied it in with a more all-encompassing story, which he’s entitled to do, it’s just that if he loses this because of it he shouldn’t feel too disheartened. TD5 is crew so he knows I’m not a hater, just a straight up dude, and overall I preferred Mike’s verse in terms of his execution of the topic as a whole.

Looking forward to facing you both. :D

[Adonis]

I think topical had a better writen verse, however not by a huge margin. But on the other end of the coin mike hit the topical literally, where topical went abstract I guess?? Either way I see no connection. topical had a few quotables that I read and smirked because they were just dope lines. Mike had good imagery and better flow. I usually tell mike about my huge dislike on chopping lines to fit for rhymes sake into a bar essentially rhyming mid sentence. But topical did this instead, and I hated it

Overall I got Mike in a close one.

[PancakeBrah]

YOU HAD MY HEART INSIIIIIIIDDEEE OF YOUR HANDSSS

MW:

"reverse the sands of time and observe the fertile crescent,
as the Khazars are diligently searching for a purple essence,"

Good opener. The route you went with your wording sets up a story well. Your first line literally speaks to the reader, and the second jumps into the story. Solid mechanics, standard rhyme format but it was a good rhyme. 'Fertile crescent' could breed a forced multi but you found one that fits in perfectly. If 'purple essence' was a stand alone though it WOULD be forced, but you made it fluid by making the entire piece about the would be forced rhyme. A lot to like about your opener, good setup.

"inside the throat of a certain menace,
see when the venom of a cobra is given to a working chemist,
it could be manufactured into a pigment, considered by merchants precious"

I didn't like 'certain'. It was too matter-of-factly for my tastes. By typing certain menace you lose a lot of the subtle possibility of the next two lines. In fact I would have completely omitted the certain menace line. Rereading this section without that line makes for a more ominous and attention catching thread to chase for the reader. Aside from that line this section was strong. The working chemist/merchants precious rhyme is the same as the opener's rhyme in terms of criticism. Very well done. 'Considered by merchants precious' gives credibility to the Khazar's quest, a sort of renown.

"the winds of trade blew across the silk road, hurting peasants,
because once snakes were found in a village, people were seen as worthless tenants,
so these communities viewed themselves as being cursed by their presence,
and they turned to drastic methods to be rid of this slithering tempest,
raising and releasing mongooses in numbers that approached tremendous,
was a plan expertly executed, but the results were still horrendous,
that scheme nearly brought the whole village pitifully to its knees,
when it was found these animals carried an easily transmittable disease,"

This is the meat of the story so far. The set up has transitioned completely into the point, or at least the tale's point if not the message of the verse. I'm usually not a fan of carrying a scheme for lines upon lines. Frank can do it well. But most of the time the reader, at least me, gets the sense this is a competition for the writer to see how many times he can rhyme something. But here it was executed well, nothing was forced and nothing took away from the story being told. In fact the strong use of wording in your rhymes enhanced the story. The reader on this forum is always going to emphasize the rhymes and by enhancing the story within the couple words of a multi you emphasize certain points and leave an imprint in the mind of the reader. The only line I didn't like was the 'still horrendous' idea. It makes sense, because the problem and result of their quandary are equally dire, but for some implacable reason that line seemed like a hiccup to me on my read through. As far as the story goes I'm thoroughly invested and interested, which is the key of a piece like this.

"try as they might none of it worked, these commoners kept getting hurt,
people dying for the dye found in the most ornate shirts,"

'Getting hurt' seems underwhelming to me. Up to this point you've basically put the stakes for this village at life or death. Obviously people are getting hurt, too, but the thought was simplistic and without unique wording. The second line was strong, though. You straddled the line between creative and corner, but COMPLETELY ignoring an impulse to create a die/dye wordplay and instead just wording this how it should be worded made it a standout line. The use of 'most' was good. Very pithy, at least in my reading of it. Good pithy.

"while the Khazar King smirked, getting richer by the day,
exporting brightly colored fabrics, to lands far away,
but the wealth wasn't spread, conditions for the misplaced grew more vile,
until finally, the color purple was considered out of style,
a mercantile, shift allowed the land seized to be freed,
as the focus shifted to the other side of Khazar, the Persian Gulf seas, "

I liked the word mercantile. Very smooth. Why the comma? Shoot that comma dead, Mike. Transitional period for those fucking Khazar seamstresses. The but the wealth/until finally couplet was a great transition. You spent the perfect amount of time on the the change of taste; happened quick and happened quick in the story. I enjoyed this section.

"see it was found when an octopus is carefully dissected,"

Love it. It's worded exactly the same way as the cobra line. Starts with 'see'. It calls to mind an almost ADHD sense of global manipulation. Changes like the wind, and everything in the past is forgot. Have we said this before? Best line of the piece.

"periwinkle scarves"

Fun word.

"but no one ever asked if the little village that sat on the coast minded,
and so the circle of commerce continues, there is nothing these people could do for a while,
except wait until next season, when blue is out of style
a color wheel of terror, that only the poorest will know,
all this suffering, just so the wealthy could have special clothes,
but the Khazars aren't special, this practice was here to stay,
look down at your sneakers, this still takes place today"

I just don't know. Personally I travel barefoot. But that's neither here nor there. To be completely honest I'm not a huge fan of the ending. This type of idea is readily apparent to most people. I read this entire piece involved with the story and interested. I would have preferred a story-oriented closer here as opposed to making the piece a statement on our times. The idea that nothing changes, and that we're blind to the fact the Khazar's are still here in spirit was nice. But I was in full blown story mode and this kind of left me wanting more.

Overall, a well written piece. Many more positives than negatives. My only qualm, aside from one or two lines I didn't love, was an ending that jives against my own personal preferences. That's just my own opinion, as a piece of writing this was strong and I still enjoy it. Just, in the eyes of someone else it could be in a different, higher, stratosphere if they liked the ending. As it stands now it's just a cut below for me.

TD5:

"From the oak-stained porch you can hear more than porsche reports
Although all five cylinders fire like live dillingers"

I liked oak-stained porch, and the entirety of the second line. A little self contained rhyme that describes a situation without being forced. The stuff people want to write. Good opener.

"The current court implores for quiet like wise ministers"

Wise ministers seems forced to me. At least the 'wise' is.

"Light whispering - the trade route for the harrowing gifts
That come with secrets that might as well travel on fists"

Really enjoyed this. 'travel on fists' line was great. Light whispering line connecting the previous scheme and the scheme of this bar is superb rhyme writing. The content is starting to catch up with the technical prowess exactly right here. An idea expressed with imagery. Also, the use of 'trade route' is an allusion to the topic you have to write about. Very subtle, but there.

"Then the gasp and the lip twitch - the vicious reveal of the plight
Remind us that shadows exist near the idyllic veneer of the light."

Gasp and the lip twitch, more of the same. Great writing. Second line was also very well put.

"Past his prime; hear the shallow ***kle of a fractured mind
Bouncing off the mahogany touches of his hallowed shrine
Where he swallows the crimes of the dastardly duchess
All those rotting bones in the back of her cavernous Cutlass
She acquired with felonious tact - these facts grow like
a corrosive cohort of plaque - the same his throats mired with
He desires to tell-all of her conniving control
But the old sickly man must settle with dying alone"

Fuck 'em. This was the highlight of either verse. Everything is air tight, shallow ***kle of a fractured mind, mahogany touches of this hallowed shrine. Dastardly duchess/cavernous Cutless. The wording leading up to and the use of 'tact' instead of a line incorporating 'act'. corrosive cohort of plaque. Then sticking the landing in dying alone. The unsettling truth, and the acceptance of the inevitable. Everything in here is dope, with little ideas to chew on all the while funneling into a point made. Excellent.

"Sex is power - manifested in the desperate hours of dawn
Lovely sodomy festers behind the pastoral houses and lawns"

I liked lovely sodomy. Also pithy. You guys are very pithy. Is pithy a word? Think it is. The contrast of lovely/sodomy touches on the decrepit tone towards the characters. The seedy nature of everything, the base tilted thinking. Just carry on, this is how it is.

"The rare moment when their free of their locks and their fetters"

I liked locks and their fetters.

"So bring in the popular fellas - kings of the social political
Commence coup d'etat, begin the petroleum ritual "

To thick in wording for me. First moment in awhile I wasn't too impressed. Nothing bad, just a down spot.

"The post-moaning residuals consist of confusion and brooding thought"

This made up for it, though. Well described feeling most everyone knows well.

"A buried secret means she'll live in grace to eternity
One slipped tongue and her memory'll be laced with hostility
The luck of the legacy left.. it varies in concept
With as much rhyme and reason as Khazarian conquests"

Nice way to represent the fickle nature of reputation and legacy. Worded well, enjoyed the last bar's rhyme. Your first outright mention towards Khazar's, although their have been subtle allusions here and there. Some could argue that this is shoe-horning the topic of the week into a piece. I might argue that. I don't know, though.

"The parked porsche has just emptied but they're all itching to leave
Dressed in black talking smack - "what a bitch" "what a freak"
"A far cry from her mother, if only her father could talk
We'd hear stories of how she lived the Gospel of God..
.. but his daughter is not anything like her - what a slut
And she'd strut around like nothings up.. hey, is that a porsche?
I thought you drove a Camry?.." "No, the company's getting another tax breaks..
It sure seems like Senator Landry supports the family, huh?""

The conclusion of your thoughts on legacy. Daughter's just her mother, but without that stroke of luck and tongue-tied winning. I liked the conversation, it can be a disaster for some writers but you had a deft touch.

RECONCILIATION

I enjoyed both verses, quite a bit actually. Mike obviously related to the topic in a more direct way whereas Topicaldood's connection was flimsy at best. Perhaps more than that in a message/theme way. Probably, actually. What's funny is that the entire point of Mike's verse actually isn't about Khazar's. If you look at each verse, one is entirely about Khazar's until on line which makes the point of the verse broadly different, and the other is nothing about Khazar's except one line that is arguably shoehorned in. I will say that I enjoyed topicaldood's verse a decent bit more than Mike's. Which is simply a testament to topicaldood because Mike's verse was strong. This of course calls into question the age old better verse vs. verse that's about the subject debate. I've dropped votes on each side of the equation before. Here, I'm going with my gut and giving it to topicaldood.

v/topicaldood5.