Week 2 - oats vs Mr. J - OATS WINS

[Mike Wrecka]

Memo week 2.
Greetings competitors, we continue on with a more conceptual challenge. I have noticed an alarming trend on this netcees.com - users calling each other fa***ts, ni***rs, his***ics and ret***s. DIVERSITY WEEK, include the group you are given in your writing. Note, it does not need to be a positive representation, or a support-type verse, just include some reference to the group you were given. Again, the group does not have to necessarily be the focus of your writing, or even be a correct/accurate representation, as a minimum you only need include a reference to the task you were given. You can write about anything you like. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.

Specific Task - Vegans

Due date - Wednesday Midnight PST

Good luck oats Mr. J

[oats]

Hello

[Mr. J]

Ok

[oats]

ext plz

[Mr. J]

Same here ... We good

will drop later tonight...late day today...

[Mr. J]

Trapped in delirious outcome, bound to a chair and harassed
bad jokes are uttered and I'm expected to laugh, I have...
to use the restroom dear entertainer, no need to explain sir
just give me the directions and I will conclude without anger
continue the babbling to that attractive mannequin hat rack again
I digress...pardon my step it's your fault for your establishment
never had I had such disgust deep within my minds depth...
time crept closer to the end so my excuse was to hold my breath
but leaving too soon would blow my cover in first impressions
the further we press it will only cause for the burst intestines
I just need a second..is there someone to call for this emergency
the nerve of me.. thinking I was the sly one slipping through perfectly
and as the steps came closer, my heartbeat got faster, head started sweatin'
and as the knocks on the door stirred my mind back into realities setting...
I could not believe that for the rest of this evening...
my girl has got me eating with vegans

[oats]

every glass is transparent, neatly stacked in her kitchen
on her nighstand is finance, Conscious Capitalism
no eyeshadow, foundation - no make up masks her depiction
she wears the voice of Jeffrey Sachs and sees with Atticus vision
proactive - her mission is to conquer the business world
and in doing so, the doubters who dismissed her as “some little girl”
“this is a man’s job, honey, look pretty, dip and twirl”
so she waited, evading all of the misogynistic hurls
the pressure imprisoned pearls, she moved forward alone
her eyes wore overtime like crosswalks while others ordered Patron
lost in that warrior zone, calm and controlled, strong and composed when panic hit
took bigger risks and then ran with it
never mind an old friend was an analyst
she knew better - she knew she was talented
now a hedge fund manager, no longer seen as a piece of meat
just the peace she meets at home knowing that she’ll never need to cheat
an equal feat, she exceeds the limits she bargained for-
her drive acknowledged, private office to separate from the carnivores
she did everything the right way, rose to her feet when
in this dog-eat-dog world, she chose to be vegan

[Nigma]

oats, dynamic flow that expanded over the course of the verse was the framework for an easy read, packed with some memorable content that also aided to verse. Said a lot for how brief this was. My favourite line:

now a hedge fund manager, no longer seen as a piece of meat
just the peace she meets at home knowing that she’ll never need to cheat

Mr. J, interested format for the verse. While intentionally withholding vital parts of information, you slowly described an occurrence to which the reader was unaware, you kept me entertained and the ending provided the relieving solution

Prognosis, excellent battle to read, was nice and short and both writers made up for the length with their content. Was a close one but I enjoyed oats verse a bit more here as it left a more memorable impression

+1 oats

[Coup]

j-

Trapped in delirious outcome, bound to a chair and harassed
bad jokes are uttered and I'm expected to laugh, I have...
to use the restroom dear entertainer, no need to explain sir

really liked how this opening setup the piece...loved the line two end rhyme and how it paced right into the third...odd, I liked it though.

liked your piece...somehow the character/whomever in this pecie felt that vegans are contagious and some sort of aleing being...at least to yourself. I can agree, hipster douche bags are attracted to that life style and it's an important connection to say how your girl friend brought you into this situation, making the unpleasant night that much more unbearable...you did a fine job with this...I had the dinner night on the Titanic image while reading...Jack sitting there out of his league but holding his own.

oats -

damn your character/whomever could easily have been sitting across at mr.J's table haha, did you invite him ? A strange thing how these two verses are almost the same coin, in the same story driven vein. good stuff.

took bigger risks and then ran with it
never mind an old friend was an analyst
she knew better - she knew she was talented

like that line...you define your content well and you established a frame work to make a reasonable consultation as to why she became vegan...this hit on social, political and even ethical grounds....subtle but there.

yours was smooth and your concepts were clear and focused and moved right along....

this is damn, damn close....

V/ oat

[NYCSPITZ]

v/ oats

both were dope but thought oats shit was a lil more fleshed out

[PancakeBrah]

OH FUCK, YOU GUYS.

V/ OATS.

WILL YOU STILL READ MY VOTE EVEN THOUGH YOU ALREADY KNOW WHO WON MY POST & HEART? PLEASE?

lol man I'm so crazy oh dear haha.

Affectations are fun.

Mister Jay-

Wowee zowee-Pavement. Good album.

You are very underrated. Something about your personality and description in the zeitgest of nessy's (netcees) is holding you back. I've seen you post before, you seem to engage wrongly. Anyways, your lack of rep belies your talent, bitch! haha bitch. Great word.

"continue the babbling to that attractive mannequin hat rack again
I digress..."

Oooh, wow. There is the list of dope writers, and this sentence should be your top line of the resume. Poor grammar, there. Anyway, this was srs great. It's rare that I don't quote a complete couplet/rhyme, but you write very human, which I love. Everything isn't concluded at rhymes, the nuggets are found in truly reading your piece. The first complete rhyme is fucking bonkers good, which someone might say is exaggeration. And to them I say fuck you you plebian fuck ass. This is real writing. The 'I digress' only compliments! IT ONLY COMPLIMENTS A GREAT IDEA! THAT MAKES THE IDEA SUPER GREAT! I'm drunk, but I mean that.

"the further we press"

people might think I'm being an asshole, but this is good wording. read the line prior and the continued line of that quote. It's good wording. FUCK YOU, OATS AND MR.J, THE ONLY PEOPLE READING THIS VOTE. BELIEVE ME, THIS IS WORDING. FAGGOTS.

"I just need a second..is there someone to call for this emergency
the nerve of me.. thinking I was the sly one slipping through perfectly"

Your best "complete bar". Emergency is obviously over-exaggerated for effect. This over-exaggeration calls into effect your realization of how dry life is. Being normal sucks, and an over-exaggeration such as this is every day now. I read it on Twitter every few hours at work. But when I reference your piece I know you meant it in a very meta-meta-meta way, you absolutely know what you're doing when you say that, you sly fuck. Wait, you said sly in this piece. I'm a biter. Second bar is GR-E0A-T! I wish you hadn't worded your "TWIST" (omigod, topic twist !!!!TSAF!!!) so mundanely (mundanely is a word, spellcheck!? you whore). This is "mint" provocation (i stole that from a feed by black to one of my pieces. I have a writers crush on black. Not on the same level as zomboyddullwhahaboyoda, though). what am I talking about? oh yeah, that second line. GREAT. I mean it. My ramblings might be seen as pedantic condenscension, but it's not not. Let's really break this down; it's simple and perfect. We've all been there. That EXACT moment when you think you're on the upper hand mental plane, but then something foul and beneath you pervades and fucking WINS. I love your writing, Mr.k.

"and as the steps came closer, my heartbeat got faster, head started sweatin'
and as the knocks on the door stirred my mind back into realities setting...
I could not believe that for the rest of this evening...
my girl has got me eating with vegans"

Faggot. I do this, though. You wrote a great piece of nessy writing. Srs. I love (loved! your verse previous to this. Very meta. Everything is meta. You're meta. Anyways, this was corny. I hated it. I almost wished you never even incorporated vegan into your verse, and I wouldn't have hate voted against it. Because what are we doing here? We're just dick measuring our pen stick. I loved your pen stick before this, Mr. K. But once I knew you'd employ the topic, which I knew was from the jump (LOL GRAMMAR), I hope you'd stick this landing. But you didn't, IN MY EYES. You could have gone so many directions. Fuck Oats. Write 64 lines, set it with that dinner scene and explore. You'll find vegan more naturally somewhere. Fuck.

I liked your verse until it related to the topic, basically. You can fucking write, though. Don't take my meaningless internet vote of uselessness as an aspersion.

OATINGTON;

your opener was solid. I've used the opening before. Not word for word, obviously, but the idea for the opening. The indirect bullshit to give the piece character, before getting into it really. People eat that shit up, m i rite? I do. It's good for a reason. (I hope you're so insulted)

"no eyeshadow, foundation - no make up masks her depiction
she wears the voice of Jeffrey Sachs and sees with Atticus vision"

Jackhammer. Very fiancee. I wanted to say fancy there but didn't want to be unoriginal. Unoriginal is for fagg-0ts, m i rite, frat friends!? *chugs beer* *rapes girl who deserves its* ANYWAYS. fuck. ok, oats, dope line. Remember where you are, Cake. This was great. Srs. My entire joking paragraph is just a tool to replace the fact I run out of superlatives sometimes. There's only so many times you can say 'dope rhyme + content' while taking in the personality of the writer. You're very different than some of the writers I've wrote extensive feed on while saying the same thing, but I'm fucked right now. Can you please accept dope rhyme + content? thanks, fagg0t.

" “some little girl”
“this is a man’s job, honey, look pretty, dip and twirl”

The rhyme that connect and the content in it little girl is very good. I just like reading this section in the way I quoted it.

"misogynistic hurls"

v/ oats. i'm exaggerating. but this was indeed a tipping point. I should quote the whole line leading to it! But I won't. Because this is the exact moment I become aroused. Those two words.

"she moved forward alone
her eyes wore overtime like crosswalks while others ordered Patron "

so many feels. so. many. feels. Very good english words, you english teacher. Want to have a write-off? I could be a better english teacher if I gave a living fuck about life. Promise. srs.

"strong and composed when panic hit"

I don't have to tell you that this is the worst part of your piece. Pedestrian. You already know it. We all hit those moments when we hit a stroke of decent to good writing, hit a lull, but fuck you lull. Then power through.

"an equal feat, she exceeds the limits she bargained for-
her drive acknowledged, private office to separate from the carnivores"

check my 'hey, guys' topic for my reaction to this. I AM VERY SELF CENTERED.

"she did everything the right way, rose to her feet when
in this dog-eat-dog world, she chose to be vegan"

fatality.




RECONCILITION

do you think im rep voting mr. k? im not. i spent less time on oats verse because i lovered it. made it my bitch. made it suck my dick. i liked your verse on a bunch of levels. but i did not like your ending, and your ending made me not like the tonality of your verse. you can write the fuck out of words. i like you. aim me, asl. oats, good job. im tired of praising you. i dont think i have much, though.


best battle o' da week!

[PancakeBrah]

fuck i kept calling boats oats.

sorry boats.

v/boats

[Certain]

Mr. J: You had a few really strong sections to your verse, but I think your fatal flaw was attempting a twist ending that was really just your topic. We all knew you were writing about vegans in one way or another before reading your verse. That's kind of the flaw of topical writing, or at least one of them. I thought the first six or eight lines were really good stuff, a nice mix of imagery and wit. Your rhymes bounced around a bit, never quite hitting on perfect but also working well enough to sustain the rhythm. I think if you had approached your topic more head-on, you could have shown your wit more and written a stronger verse through and through. With that said, this was a good read.

oats: I'm pretty sure feminists would hate your verse. But fuck 'em. I thought this was slick as hell. Your take on the topic was fresh, and you drove it home with a lot of great, concrete details that made your protagonist into a fully developed character in the space of 20 lines. Your rhymes also were great. What I really liked about the twist on the topic was that it could be taken literally, too. It seems perfectly reasonable that the woman you described was a vegan. The biggest difference between your verse and Mr. J's was the double meaning of the word "vegan," which made the ending seem so much more complex and interesting. This was a good battle, but I thought the winner was fairly clear.

Vote: oats

[Spoken]

both came nice but fuck cake just blows with the votes lol

damn you

anyways V/ Oats

[Adonis]

MJ - I liked this verse a lot with the exception of use of topic and flip in the end. sitting at a table explaining the emotions of a man is dope to me, and you did it well. But then simply tossed the word vegan at the end. IDK, too abrupt. Dope flow and imagery though. Great writing.

Oats - another verse with very nice flow here. Some dope imagery sparced through out, good word choice and dope changeups for flow. Tied the topic in better then J did, however it was a bit vague but I see what you did.


Vote oats, close bout but he gets my vote

[patrown]

i really enjoyed the approaches both took. i'm on story mode right now, so imo..
/v mr j coz i enjoyed the twist. didn't predict it, wasn't expecting it.. and was delivered clean. good battle though. real close.