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View Full Version : Week 2 - Nigma vs Dystopian - NIGMA WINS


Mike Wrecka
07-28-2013, 10:57 PM
Memo week 2.
Greetings competitors, we continue on with a more conceptual challenge. I have noticed an alarming trend on this netcees.com - users calling each other fa***ts, ni***rs, his***ics and ret***s. DIVERSITY WEEK, include the group you are given in your writing. Note, it does not need to be a positive representation, or a support-type verse, just include some reference to the group you were given. Again, the group does not have to necessarily be the focus of your writing, or even be a correct/accurate representation, as a minimum you only need include a reference to the task you were given. You can write about anything you like. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.

Specific Task - Dogon People

Due date - Wednesday Midnight PST

Good luck Nigma @dystopian

Nigma
07-29-2013, 12:10 AM
Check. Fantastic topic, this will be a fun one.

Plot
07-29-2013, 01:51 AM
Here I am

Plot
07-31-2013, 10:52 AM
May need a little ext here just due to time zones.

Nigma
07-31-2013, 05:17 PM
Aight, well I'm posting tonight so try and get it up asap Plot

Nigma
08-01-2013, 06:44 PM
Memoirs of a Dogon Priest

To be human; to create, to embrace, take the safe path
Made of traits, sacred ways, scarab taints the great sands
No apparent race, barren plains, an arid wasteland
Man compares us to the Pharaohs for the peril when we shake hands
We arrive with quakes and lay awake for five millennia
To thrive ahead of the tribes who endlessly try befriending us
Enemies disguised inside a blemish ridden mind of senses
The kind who heads up in the skies as an attempt at getting wiser
Won't search for the cure for water flow, the air
Or focal care of soil honed for growth and clay
They don't compare and souls aware of it
Approach to snare us as a golden chariot
It's over, perished, they're alone and scared
They come to hone the craft our old have mastered
Holy masks with soul entrapment, honed and cast with totem magic
These people foretold to be reaching to own all the secrets we hold
Oh, releasing them? No... Only even exposed to our Chieftain
And those of the priests who have shown a degree of the glow
Will be deemed to bestow it, to gleam and to hold it
These are the secrets we keep in the effigies
Thieves, heed your klepto needs, our Chief weaves the hexes deep
Unseen beneath the recipe, gleaming complex and reforming to karma
But before we afford them this honor, they're born again Gods
Portal beyond with immortal resolve drawn of flora and fauna
Absorb the persona, reshape till exhaustion
The frauds would forsake what we've got so we take these precautions
Aimed at the man whom we've branded a vandal, not scholar
Dissolving their freedom, appalled at the speed of Islamic impeachment
All just to teach them and feed into books
Can't even believe that to see you must look
And the past drifts on fast but no evil perceiving the fact
It's that matter is vastly more evil then good
When that rips and has landed, eclipse on your stance
While you drift on this planet...
Don't add to the piss, try to limit the damage
Plot

Plot
08-02-2013, 02:44 AM
In the Vatican, the Pope Sebastian was having his morning sabbatical,
Before donning his robes, which privately he considered impractical.
A tradition that been passed down to him, he’d been force fed on the shit,
As he put on his stupid hat, he thought it looked like the head of a fish.

A Dagon cult congregates in New York before their Grand Abbott,
To perform the sacred rites and sacrifices of the Black Sabbath.
They chant dark songs, amongst shrieking cats and barking dogs,
An eerie ceremony to channel and summon their Dark god.

Deep in Africa the Dogon tribe prepares for the alignment of Sirius B,
A ceremonious act they’ve enacted for centuries seriously.
Wearing tribal masks that resemble demons of damn and torment,
They begin an age-old dance that choreographs the planets orbit.

Ancient knowledge passed down from ancestors in Cairo, Egypt
Where it was scrawled on papyrus, or etched in the hieroglyphics.
Where they worshipped Isis, and made sacrifices on her birthday,
And it is said and there is evidence found, that she resembled a mermaid.

Now out where the dolphins and dugongs swim, far in the ocean,
A potent a force had been set in motion, an unthinkable notion.
Deep beneath the crashing waves, just east of Honolulu,
A murderous beast stirs in the his sleep, and he’s waking up…

Cthulhu!

zygote
08-02-2013, 06:40 AM
Enigma, liked the ending part where you discuss "Islamic impeachment," don't have any knowledge of these peoples, but you expressed this sense of impending loss in your writing here, it was very strong. Only minor, disliked the word karma, it has a big mental association with Buddhists who have the stereotype image of Asian, and from your description at the start "Man compares us to the Pharaohs" I was imagining these characters as African/Berber/Egyptian.

Plot, disliked the first paragraph, didn't understand the relevance of including this part about the pope, perhaps to serve as a counterpoint (to present the pope in a certain way, so it will contrast with more serious discussion you made about the tribal priestly rituals). If that was your argument/theme it maybe wasn't brought out enough, a more theme rather than story based conclusion-type ending might have been stronger. Enjoyed the actual descriptions of the events, very detailed and atypical. Voting for Enigma.

Mike Wrecka
08-03-2013, 08:31 AM
cool battle.

enigma = good verse. first thing I took from it was that it didn't flow as good as your usual stuff and lacked the multis you usually use. id say this verse was kinda rushed. if it wasn't well my bad. with that aside there was a lot to like about this verse. your end rhymes were strong.

Holy masks with soul entrapment, honed and cast with totem magic


really liked that line. overall told a nice overview of a dogon priest , medicine man. good work. a good solid verse, not great but still strong.

plot- I really liked the flow, cadence and structure of that first paragraph. it fell off from there a bit. some of your end rhymes I thought were questionable. not sure where you are from but some didn't work with my accent. like Egypt and hieroglyphics . they don't really rhyme and this took away from your piece. your verse felt like an introduction. just when some action is about to happen you stopped it though. I wish you would have went like forty more lines or so describing the murderous beast and what happens. you ended it as a to be continued which didn't work for me. good verse non the less and I did enjoy what was there but it felt incomplete.

good battle guys. two good verses thanks for the reads

vote- nIGMA

Flow
08-03-2013, 08:43 AM
Enigmas price flowed like water, great rhyme scheme with each line connecting brilliantly. Content wise was strong with good references to your topic throughout. Felt the arc of the piece was rushed an content bit choppy in places but a very nice drop.

Plot your first half was smooth but not great, simplistic approach, to top your content just came across forced an I would have liked to have seen more subtlety an perhaps more creative metaphors. The drop was a good read though an I def came a bit tough in feed for you but nigs piece really raised the bar.

Not great feed guys but I voting off phone I will hit you up in more detail when I'm on a desktop

Vote nigma

Split
08-04-2013, 01:46 PM
Nice battle. Feel like Nigma had really sweet schemes that just rolled off the tongue, Plot came okay in terms of rhyme mechanics. Nigma the Nephelem just brought the fire. Plot, liked your adherence to the topic. plot, Interesting deviations, but they seemed to trip you up and in the end the fluidity of your verse suffered. Nigma offered a similarly interesting insight of the Dogons.

felt Nigma took this with really solid rhymes and a more directed, insightful look of the topic.