Week 2 - Rawn M.D. vs Certain Serpent -RAWN M.D.

[Mike Wrecka]

Memo week 2.
Greetings competitors, we continue on with a more conceptual challenge. I have noticed an alarming trend on this netcees.com - users calling each other fa***ts, ni***rs, his***ics and ret***s. DIVERSITY WEEK, include the group you are given in your writing. Note, it does not need to be a positive representation, or a support-type verse, just include some reference to the group you were given. Again, the group does not have to necessarily be the focus of your writing, or even be a correct/accurate representation, as a minimum you only need include a reference to the task you were given. You can write about anything you like. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.

Specific Task - Mennonites

Due Date - Wednesday Midnight PST

good luck Rawn M.D. Certain Serpent

[Rawn M.D.]

after 10 mentions, ill check into the one valid thread.

check

[Certain]

rumspringa /ˈro͝omspriNGə/ a period of adolescence in some Anabaptist communities, including Amish and Old Mennonite branches, in which boys and girls are given greater personal freedom and allowed to form romantic relationships, usually ending with the choice of baptism into the church or leaving the community.

Mary had this sly smile full of faded teeth.
She said she'd pray for me. She said she'd wait,
she'd brace herself for pain but stay for me.
We sat and sang and cried.
We played the beats that we had mastered line for line.
I told her I'd be back.
I touched her arm so gracefully
and sold her on my tact,
full-knowing I'd retract.

Jason had these deep eyes full of blue and hazel.
He'd loosely amble across the bar to the juke-box handle
and pick a tune to mangle in his broken Philly accent.
He joked that it made bad sense to hold me when we had sex
because the closer that our paths'd get,
the forks would sharpen more.
He'd shown me how to laugh and relax my hardened core.
We'd lapse into a TV binge, reality or sitcom,
Saved by the Bell and Flintstones,
everything I'd missed on.

Jason had this brown hair that curled in balls at random.
I'd twirl it all in handfuls
while he worked on drawing mansions.
The architecture firm was my ticket to the city,
and I enlisted in it quickly with a visage nearing giddy.
The internship paid shitty, but it gifted me with living
in a way I'd always dreamed
outside the prison of my pity.
And Jason was my tour guide. We watched the Flaming Lips.
We watched Freeway and Beanie.
We watched Journey and Kiss.
We took journeys and kissed, and our love flambéd the wicks
of the candles that were like a touch of home,
even as they bathed our sins.

Jason had a large nose that betrayed his Jewish heritage
and often came in handy when we fused cocaine and heroin.
The sex was looser, better then.
We'd rave, then use, then enter in.
But phases soon turn pestilent; escapism loses relevance.
The summer was ending.
I'd make my future evident.
I'd stay, refuse the exodus.

Mary had such perfect cursive, sans bumps and depressions.
I'd thumb through her letters
and wonder if ever she'd wondered if ever
I really could love her forever.
Her deportment stayed humble and measured.
I tried to harness the same but kept discarding my mumbling letters.
The targeted pain of hearts when they break
is enough to humble a hector.

Jason had a wilting grimace as he helped me onto the train.
Lifting my black hat to my head, he tugged it hard.
Then he waved.

[Rawn M.D.]

He was devout, a sacred believer in the renewal of faith
A separatist and seer; bearded with an un-groomed face
pious and penitent, he rebuked conforming to norms
Carried in horse drawn chariots, with genuflect in his arms
He’d been baptized after birth through crimes of the church
felt this practice was reserved for adult minds to discern
Drowned down by dogma, bogged out by his beliefs
The church refused to recognize him, or his theology
He walked the higher path, and wouldn’t wash his feet
Excommunicated the weak spirited through divine decree
Moved misers with wise words, and treaded their tithes
spoke of divinity being where humility and the trinity coincide
He dressed plainly, replaced all of his button with hooks
To him the bible was inerrant, and much more than a book
A fastidious Anabaptist, his way of living was asceticism
Stood up to the clergy with a dictum to create schisms
On a pilgrimage for purity with his puritanical beliefs
Planned a siege vs the secular through biblical authority
he weaponized the Canon through the Commandments
Disbanded from all his earthly burdens like a Jainist
Moved into exile, and grew wheat to fight the famine
To this day his followers still live the same way Amman did

[Pinot Grij]

I give this one to Certain Serpent.

I felt story-wise there was more there that moved me. Rawn's story progressed but didn't capture any emotional depth - it was stoic and stern, like a Mennonite... but Serpent went deeper... took the topic to a relatable angle and worked swiftly between characters... nice turns of phrase in there as well

We watched Journey and Kiss.
We took journeys and kissed
That's nicely done. Shit like that hits well.

Rawn had a nice piece, but Serpent brought raw emotion that won me over.

[Coup]

I got Rawn taking this one

Serpents was cool, some what limited in it's depth and exchange of story telling outside the foundation he set, which was two lovers had a good time in summer, unifyed by a common upbringing and then they waved good bye after a period of choice. At some points I was not sure who was telling the story. Mary, Jason or a narrator, because all had the lead at some point in the verse, making it somewhat confusing. Nothing really was explored in a sense that these characters grew or made a choice...not a bad showing, just not sure how to react because to me it was a bit bland.

Rawns was cool in the sense that he focused on one character and his ties into the church and explored some of the themes that would influence a man of this character...some what common and safe, he took this and offered what he knew. kinda of gave this a "because of this man's resolve, this is what happened" by his last line.

I can see this will be a close one. This is anyones battle

good luck

[Mike Wrecka]

ok good battle. I like what both of you did with the topic for sure.

cs- this verse flowed very well. it was basically an audio verse. could be very easily spitten on a track. and I like that. im big on that. but i think your vocab was lacking compared to your opponents. as far as the story goes, it was good. I liked it. oh and your use of multis was subtle but very effective. props for that. it wasn't in your face but it worked.

rawn- this was a very well structured verse with very good vocab. it had a layer of complexity in the rhyming that wasn't present in your opponents verse. the character portrayal was effective. you didn't so much tell a story as you told the back story of a character which worked for you imo.


this was a real close battle. two dope verses tbh. but I got more from rawns because of the structure complexity. they were equally entertaining so that is the deciding factor for me

vote - rawn

[Spoken]

Serpent came nice but I just highly was impressed with rawn cause he came hella nice and I think it's the best I seem from rawn so far tbh... Serpent came precise with how he wanted the verse to uphold. The meaning and style let alone the knowledge and with of his writing but then rawn comes in and fulfills all that and then demolishes it more with such a clean and fluid flow to make it that much more well rounded. I couldn't decide at first as serpent had a more open mic acapella approach that I here in front of audiences and then rawn got that universal flow thy u can switch up and chop it into different beats. To judge this tho the category in my mind that tipped it was just overall enjoyment I made everything ties and laid it into enjoyment

I got rawn

[Certain]

Rawn M.D. leads 3-1. My three votes are in:

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=9367
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=9371
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=9391

[Adonis]

Ok battle, to be honest neither verse was top notch this week, but I feel the topics were a bit of a tough draw. CS, I didn't like your flow much. Sure it flowed, but mostly simple and almost read as a childrens book. The story was decent, didn't have that strange twist or pop out in anyway other then the ending where you changed tense and became Mary I assume. Rawn, I see the connection of the bible but it was so fucking abrupt. The guy is a devot religous with different beliefs, he destroys the "church" then lives like the olden days. I think you rushed this a bit, and missed out on so many vivid imagerys in the middle. The wording was nice, and flow decent.

Vote rawn

[patrown]

/v certain serpent. he came through with some honest language and a great story i got involved with. not much more to it than that, as far as my decision goes.

if rawn had presented some characters with a story in a more tangible way, instead of a pure topical approach, his concepts would have taken him far.