Week 2 - Boredom vs Objective - BOREDOM WINS

[Mike Wrecka]

Memo week 2.
Greetings competitors, we continue on with a more conceptual challenge. I have noticed an alarming trend on this netcees.com - users calling each other fa***ts, ni***rs, his***ics and ret***s. DIVERSITY WEEK, include the group you are given in your writing. Note, it does not need to be a positive representation, or a support-type verse, just include some reference to the group you were given. Again, the group does not have to necessarily be the focus of your writing, or even be a correct/accurate representation, as a minimum you only need include a reference to the task you were given. You can write about anything you like. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.

Specific Task - Cyberfeminists


Due date - Wednesday Midnight PST

good luck Objective Boredom

[Objective]

Check

[Boredom]

check.

[Objective]

My names Mark and feminism bother me,
I mean.. It's not that I'm against equality...
it's just that the misconception hits hard like bad economy,
as if these chicks joined the movement after a lobotomy.
Shit girl, get that shit off of me! Y'all are simply soft,
you log out & go clubbing, I see your feminism is rubbing off...
I've seen through your lies and double standards, similies can be drawn to Battle Royale;
you found a way to deal with your issues, but what the fuck happened with morale?

I'm coming home from a party wondering where the booze went,
think some chicks stole it, where's the mens right movement?
Even out on town they get lonely dudes to pay for their night,
that's taking advantage you sly bitches, ye, you heard me right.
I'm going on facebook just to witness their skewed opinions,
women feeling the need to express themselves to millions.
Funny thing is they barely seem to agree with eachother,
but equally treating it as something to obsess themselves over.
As I scroll down the page through posts where reality's bent,
I see something bout a demonstration in my area, in just a few hours there's a huge local event!
This is my time to shine, I'm going to own all of these girls,
and show them how to get back at the world.

I wake up with bruises, no time for excuses,
but the nurses suck and this hospital's useless..
People don't forgive, and they clearly don't forget,
as I look at my phone I found a picture of me all over the net.
Perhaps the male nature is fucked in the head,
As I'm looking at the pic I aint got an ounce of regret:

http://img191.imageshack.us/img191/4245/3zzl.png

[Boredom]

Daaaaaaamn, I thought the internet was for connecting better
Now there’s predecessor’s of networked feminists in the epi center
The best remember simple days when women were objects
Had very little of concience, were basically slaves left to cook for the bosses
When labotomies were the simplest process..
and when not being used for sex, cleaning or cooking they could be put in a closet

theres no justice, just conflict. it's stuck on my conscience
it's unjust, it's a problem.. and it's stuck on my conscience
stuck on my conscience

now this is just non sense, they speak about equality and equal rights?
but in all reality there just headens, dykes who fiend to spite
if they had a good dick in them..the cunt’s could prolly sleep at night
shiiit, they could even pay me a decent price to feed them pipe
but let’s not let go of the picture, and take grasp of their feeble sight
let's release their rights, let em breed with the type who need to type
the kind who spend sleepless nights scouring forums
devouring torrents, scourges with no life who have cowered before them
the type who act tough and sour on forums, and try to live through the net
but who are really cowards and boring, we should bring them to death
we are in the age of technology, where u can rise in an instant
defined by the imprint of the tyrants an victims
these women have lied to their infants
i've tried to stay distant, but now i need to rant
and destroy there evil plans to to slay the man
by bringing death to sadie plant.. to sadie plant.

justice is served, there is no conflict.. it wasn't a problem.
it wasn't a problem
it was unjust, but i solved it.. no longer stuck on my conscience
..stuck on my conscience..

[Inno]

objective

obj I thought you had a dope verse man..great rhyming and the stry seemed to push along very well..alor of raw emotion felt in your words..seemed a little personal? lol just joking I know you don't hate woman. but either way great writing, had me thinking. one thing tho is that picture...felt like with out your verse ends nowhere...on one side its clever you used the pic like that..on the other it feels like the best part of the verse...us the picture lol..dunno that's just how I felt no hate man..this was a dope verse.


boredom

thought you took pretty much the same angle objective did. sorta of the same ideas sprinkled in ofcourse with your own flare and style. I like the tone this had..dunno felt like it was natural as I read...like it roled off smoothly..chalk it up to great wrd use man. ending seemd was coo felt like it left me wanting more though...left it in the air but maybe that's what you meant to do..ill shit mang..

overall

this was tough foreal cuz both cats came with the same approach I thought..i mean one ending was different from the other but basically the same type of story was told..one felt a bit more angry and direct...obj...and the other felt more laid back still dangerous lol I dunno if that makes sense..anyway. I think ama go with boredom on this one cuz I felt he had a bit more to offer far as content AND technicality...both showed up strongly but I got bore taking this.

[Boredom]

word was a little rushed and cut short Innovator , just didn't want to no show.

thanks for the vote

and good drop Objective

[Rawn M.D.]

Objective - I liked ur approach..I would have like to see a little more male chauvinism, but thats me. Flow wise it read well, however content wise i feel like u could have done more. For example, u kinda cheaped out with ur analogy to hit hard (u could have foreshadowed or something) rahter than going with economy, which didn't relate to any of this. However I did enjoy the male movement/chicks took the liquor line and the facebook ties. I just felt it was wrote in too passive of a tone for an active verse...like i felt U needed to use better verbs, and show more emotion in ur character in my opinion, bc ur character is emotionally driven by hate/dislike...which are strong emotions, so i feel the words you would use should have been stronger. Not a bad verse though.

Boredom - Very similiar approach. Your scheming was a little more effective to me, but i disliked ur refrain, it felt unneeded to me. You also took a more passive approach with a self-rant and described more than doing. I feel ur passive voice and use of a refrain my have actually hurt ur piece. Moreover, the way u ended it (even emphasised by ur final refrain) kinda left me like um... because there was no real solution to me. I did enjoy all ur internet references, and I feel the flow was solid.

Alright, first off let me say I vote per a read, like i read objectives then addressed it and then boredom and did the same. The fact that both used the same kinda approach kinda hurt the whole match imo, would have liked to see 2 diff approached but hat can you do. I gotta edge this to objective though, bc i felt his flow held close to boredoms, and although boredom schemes were better, objectives verse was more active, and complete.

Vote - Objective

[Coup]

Oject-


My names Mark and feminism bother me,
I mean.. It's not that I'm against equality...

Oh hai Mark. My name is Ed and I am a anti Feminist also.

I liked your opening you established the pretext then in stanza two you pick up right where you had last set up...nice and easy to follow. I appreciate this. I read with confidence in the anti but reasonable tone you established and felt your night out at the bar was a good set to get the result that happened in the end...attacked by the borg while apparently in a black out, which makes your reasoning to dislike the movement more justified.

lol at that face man. that's classic.

I think you bridged the gap and closed out too soon just biased of the slower narration above...but all in all this was a very solid read. Not much to dislike, this was a nice capsule of a verse.


bdom-

but let’s not let go of the picture, and take grasp of their feeble sight
let's release their rights, let em breed with the type who need to type



we had to takes here. With bord taking a more satire and up on a soap box (so to speak) taking this with a literal approach of bouncing off a literal cyber fem per this weeks challenge. Object created an account of engaging in said fems on the streets after setting up the context that made sense of the encounter. That said, I got Bord realizing his verse potential on the wit of more going off on a tangent, and in this we get a glimpse into some sound and rather witty and enjoyable insights as the assignment allows in this challenge. Object set up so well that the close seemed rush to it...so in proportion to the topic and what each did with it i have to

V/bord for more of an atheistic and artistic finish in relation to both contexts and concepts

good luck friends.

[patrown]

/v objective.

boredom, you came with the definition of a response verse. in a battle - that means you lose. so you lost, imo. don't base your verse off an opponents. it makes them look good.

oh yah, obj? i laughed so fucking hard. that picture is classic. as fuck. mad props. you coming clean nowadays man. i'm happy you're in this season, looking forward to more of your steez. if you want some pointers on condensing phrases holla at me. but u comin clean.

[Certain]

Objective: I'm not sure what we're supposed to do about a verse like yours, based around a photo and basically functionless without that photo. I wish you had at least included a line about the photo in your verse because right now that photo is the turning point in your verse, and it's also the best part of the verse. But we haven't been told anything about not using photos, so I am not going to hold that against you. With that said, I thought you had a few fun lines and wrote the character and tried to explain his motivations. More directness and finer detail would have paid off, for instance, describing a less generic situation in which a woman had pissed your narrator off. Your wording was a bit clumsy at times, and it made your verse flow awkwardly, particularly because your rhyme scheme was generic.

Boredom: Your verse felt like a total 180 in terms of writing while taking a less interesting but similar approach to the content. Your flow was usually smooth, but at times you forced rhymes. Your story wasn't much of one, mostly just riffing on being against feminists. There was a little seemingly unknowing meta-commentary on the netcee community that you didn't really go anywhere with, but that could have been cool. If your narrator really did kill Sadie Plant, it wasn't obvious. And that could have been a nice way to approach this story. I think both writers relied way too much on character description and way too little on telling stories and having those characters do things. Still, this was a close battle.

Vote: Objective.

[Adonis]

Quick Tie breaker vote yo...Fuck a tie

Neither verse was overly amazing, but boredum had some pretty dope schemes. I think OB's verse really was saved by the pic, if that wasn't there the effect wasn't there. Both seemed rushed and caked with slight errors, but as I said, Boredum gained momentum half way through and rode it out.

V/Bor

[Nigma]

Objective, blah blah big ass picture debate n shit. I feel theres no harm in using a pic, but theres a right and a wrong way to do it. Lookin at Pancakes verse for example, he had an eloquent verse that was complimented by the picture and it was unclear if he found the pic before or after writing his verse. In this case, its pretty apparent you found this pic, a funny one at that, and decided to not only base your verse on it, but also presented it in a way that incorporated it into the verse itself. I don't think its a huuuuge issue but felt like you relied too much on the pic being that this is a writers challenge league.

As far as the content is concerned the verse wasn't bad. I feel there is room for improvement in your flow and scheme complexity however it wasn't a drawback. You progressed the story nicely and said ereything you wanted to say.


Boredom, this was another side of you that surprised me in a good way. My biggest concern about past topical pieces was how you formatted things in a setup/punch battle kinda thing but I don't see that here. Flow was on point and you had plenty of nice assonance that gives it the extra zing. Opener was fire a high expectation for the verse which you lived up to for the most part. There were some typos and random grammatical errors spread throughout which leads me to believe you kinda rushed this or just didn't have time to proofread but I felt the verse as a whole came together decently

Prognosis: Neither really dove too deep in terms of concepts or critical thinking so I felt like both verses could have used a bit more depth. Pretty close in terms of content so my vote was decided by the technicalities and mechanics of the writing. Objective came solid but I feel Bore was a bit stronger in that area which some nice schemes and effective use of assonance. Good read from both

+1 Boredom