Round 2: Flo Real aka The Artful Salopian vs. Storyteller {Flo Real wins}

[God Of War]

http://i39.tinypic.com/15nsqjr.png



This Round Consists Of your ability to write stories.
Stories have been a part of hip hop and writing since time began
your goal? out write your opponent!


max lines =30
CHECK INS DUE BY SATURDAY
VERSES DUE -aug 5th

[Spoken]

Check

[Flow]

matt....damon

[Spoken]

Yo
Flo Real choose a pic and we will both write to it sound good??

[Flow]

I would rather just hit up 20-30 lines no pics...

Anyways Im a need an extension??? That cool Storyteller

[Spoken]

In that case...

Shed some light for the shadows behind,
A beckoning stride that mends all thoughts in the mind.
Clovers with lights- the yellow brick road to the odds
Defying the broads of service; screeching nightmares W/ claws.
Who is to call so that the murders complacent,
Dodging of statements that link to emotions adjacent.
Freddy or Jason- a nightmare wanting fear instilled,
Taking the pills that dampens our psychological will.
Baggage to fill- the opposite of taking advantage to kill,
A soul reason for extinction of what doesn't seem real.
The hourglass in the green house, an inevitable cycle,
Turning the pipings that floods the strain of survival.
.
.
.
These words seem indistinct and just scattered for show,
The writing displays itself to put warmth out in the cold.
Line for line- I write for time tracing as a outline glow,
Grunge effect- the canvas was pale now it's a clarity probe.
Massive with growth- I build a plot to manage the flow,
Incarceration; my mind is bars that cannot elope.
Classical rope that tightens each chance that its thrown,
The lasso of strokes; my quill inks with each angle approached.
Times we evoke to dab certain rhymes just cope,
But the scope that magnetizes never fancies me quotes.
Passionate hope; writing to be drastically fed,
Passing of led, put a new meaning of hangin' by a thread.

Writing as slaves seems to keep the doctor away
-a nuisance of progression.. Or so it seems

[Flow]

Dear Elise, Next week they set the date for my release,
Too excited to sleep, but at least, I can rest in peace.
Missing you, AND its been weeks since i heard back from you!
I checked the mailbox, the books and with the guards too..
You probably busy, I been busy missing what that feels like,
Shit i just sit up at night, then wait for the sunshine of the morning light..
I have to fight paranoia recently but, i know its just in my mind..
I just sometimes forget, you know when you said, "you’ll always be mine"
But don’t leave me hanging, hit me back soon, seriously
Yours sincerely, D

Elise, Still aint heard from you, an man, I'm getting worried boo..
But fuck it, guess what? My release date is the 22nd of June!
So get ready E, I will need picking up from the gate,
They said at 7, but I got some goodbyes so make it 8.
Don’t want you waiting, its mad to think ill miss some of these guys,
Cus for whatever there crimes, while here ... we all shared some highs,
some lows, some lies, some left, some died, some here, some ain't..
But trust me, some of these blokes are now my best mates!
Hopefully, you'll meet Drew soon, i know he gets out around now too,
But for now my excitement cant be shared.. because its all for you...
I love you boo

Dear Elise, the neighbours gave me your new address,
I can't believe you left..... I'm such a mess...
You were the best part of me, shit Elise your all I talked about!!
And to think i wrote you, about how my trust in you had it's doubts.. an then you rip my heart out!
I hear your with drew well, aint that some fucking irony!
Well after tonight no one will be able to lie again to me...
I'm hanging see...
I'm dead

[Mike Wrecka]

ok weird battle.

storyteller- you had a dope verse. best ive read from you by quite a bit tbh. flowed really well. structure was pretty complex and the multis were sick. problem though, you did not tell a story. at least imo you didn't. which is ironic since your name is storyteller and this was story telling round. I feel like you wasted that verse since you did not accomplish the task that was given.

flo real- I didn't love your verse. but at least you followed the directive and theme of the round and told a cohesive story. some of the end rhymes didn't agree with me but you do have a different accent then me so ya iono. the story was kinda basic and I wish you would have added another stanza were the guy gets out of jail and murders them both. with some descriptiveness and imagery of the slaughter thrown in. and this kinda lacked emotion. ok don't wanna be all negative cause this was solid and got the job done here.

story I cant vote for your verse it was not a story in my eyes.

vote - flo real

[Certain]

Storyteller: The only requirement was to tell a story. Perplexingly, you didn't. You maybe had the fringes of two different stories, but as a whole this definitely felt like a topical verse. And parts of it were very good. I'm going to give this verse a proper breakdown because it's fairly complicated and because this battle is fairly complicated thanks to your nontraditional challenge compliance.

Shed some light for the shadows behind,
A beckoning stride that mends all thoughts in the mind.
Clovers with lights- the yellow brick road to the odds
Defying the broads of service; screeching nightmares W/ claws.
Who is to call so that the murders complacent,
Dodging of statements that link to emotions adjacent.
Freddy or Jason- a nightmare wanting fear instilled,
Taking the pills that dampens our psychological will.
Baggage to fill- the opposite of taking advantage to kill,

Here you set up the beginning of a story. There's a murderer in town, terrorizing the neighborhood. Not everything fits together, which seems to be an issue for you. I can't really figure out what the second line or the phrase "the yellow brick road to the odds" means. But I figured out the rest, I think. You really would be better off coming out and saying what you mean, perhaps not all the time but more often than you do. There's a reason no one would ever write a novel with language this dense. I managed to put together "clovers with lights" as the three colors of police sirens after the second read, but it seemed initially like an inane phrase. Most readers aren't going to give you a second chance. Anyway, again, we've got a murderer, be it metaphorical or literal, loose. And the people are afraid and taking pills to suppress that fear. And they're leaving town instead of fighting back. I think I get it.

A soul reason for extinction of what doesn't seem real.
The hourglass in the green house, an inevitable cycle,
Turning the pipings that floods the strain of survival.

I'm having a really tough time with this finish to the first section. I don't actually know what any of this means, at least not in the context of the verse. I understand all the words. I even tried interpretting "soul" as both "sole" (meaning only) and "soul" (meaning spirit). You lost me here, though. But again, I'm pretty sure I grasped the first nine lines. So you haven't lost me entirely. Now you need to begin with a more concrete story about this evil presence/literal murderer.

These words seem indistinct and just scattered for show,
The writing displays itself to put warmth out in the cold.
Line for line- I write for time tracing as a outline glow,
Grunge effect- the canvas was pale now it's a clarity probe.
Massive with growth- I build a plot to manage the flow,
Incarceration; my mind is bars that cannot elope.
Classical rope that tightens each chance that its thrown,
The lasso of strokes; my quill inks with each angle approached.

Wait, what? Here's probably the best-written section of the half-dozen verses I've read by you. It's a really solid piece of writing. But it's also a complete change of topic. Now we're talking about why you write. It's bordering on a swagger-and-flow verse. Some of the metaphors really click into place here, though the rhymes are a little forced. I couldn't quite put together "time tracing as a outline glow," but beyond that you were a lot clearer here.

Times we evoke to dab certain rhymes just cope,
But the scope that magnetizes never fancies me quotes.
Passionate hope; writing to be drastically fed,

OK, you lost me again a little. I don't really know what these lines mean. The third line might make sense if it was building off the lines before or after, but it wasn't in any obvious way. In general, you use extraneous adjectives and adverbs. "Drastically fed" really doesn't make much sense when you think about it. But you did wrap the verse up stronger.

Passing of led, put a new meaning of hangin' by a thread.

Writing as slaves seems to keep the doctor away
-a nuisance of progression.. Or so it seems

Content-wise, the first two lines quoted brought the two principle stanzas together. The desperation of the first stanza finally connected with the writerly ambitions of the second. The connection wasn't complete and certainly needed to be more present and obvious, but it was there. Still, I don't understand what happened with that last line. Why didn't you rhyme it? I'm also not sure what it means or what context it requires. It made the entire piece feel incomplete.

Anyway, I wanted to give you a more in-depth breakdown than I normally would because I feel like you have a lot of potential but just aren't connecting the dots properly in most of your verses. You should try, be it for a league or for an open mic or whatever, telling a story in the most straightforward manner possible. Bump a few Slick Rick tracks, then go at it. This, though, wasn't really a story. It was more of a description of what writing means to you, and it wasn't a cohesive one at that.

Flo Real: OK, since I gave Storyteller that long-ass breakdown, it only feels right to do the same for you. This works because you also seem on the cusp of something, but you're not quite there. But it's different because your style and your issues are almost the complete opposite of Storyteller's.

Dear Elise, Next week they set the date for my release,
Too excited to sleep, but at least, I can rest in peace.
Missing you, AND its been weeks since i heard back from you!
I checked the mailbox, the books and with the guards too..

You set the tone here for the story that's being told. But like the story (I figured out almost exactly where you were going after four lines), your writing is too simple. You need to rhyme off multiple syllables, even when telling a story. That's pretty much expected at this level. That will fortify your rhymes. The second couplet really doesn't work because of the syllable stresses and the lack of multiple rhyming syllables that would have balanced it out a bit.

You probably busy, I been busy missing what that feels like,
Shit i just sit up at night, then wait for the sunshine of the morning light..
I have to fight paranoia recently but, i know its just in my mind..
I just sometimes forget, you know when you said, "you’ll always be mine"
But don’t leave me hanging, hit me back soon, seriously
Yours sincerely, D

Here's what I mean when I say you've almost got it in a lot of ways: You had the right idea to use concrete images, but you chose really cliché ones. Be more specific. Give your characters fuller figures. Maybe make "D" an artist who stayed up at night to draw. Maybe give Elise a unique tone of voice, described in D's recollection.

Elise, Still aint heard from you, an man, I'm getting worried boo..
But fuck it, guess what? My release date is the 22nd of June!
So get ready E, I will need picking up from the gate,
They said at 7, but I got some goodbyes so make it 8.

This is your strongest section. You conveyed the high of getting out of prison and the excitement for the new world well. I liked the detail about him needing an hour to say his goodbyes, though it's probably unrealistic.

Don’t want you waiting, its mad to think ill miss some of these guys,
Cus for whatever there crimes, while here ... we all shared some highs,
some lows, some lies, some left, some died, some here, some ain't..
But trust me, some of these blokes are now my best mates!

This section felt like filler. The part about goodbyes conveyed everything you had in this section in one far more specific line. It was nice to bring a few internal rhymes to the party, though, even if they were single-syllable rhymes.

Hopefully, you'll meet Drew soon, i know he gets out around now too,
But for now my excitement cant be shared.. because its all for you...
I love you boo

You created a character but did nothing with him here. You could have focused that filler section on this guy Drew. It would have made sense that D would have told Elise about Drew. I will say that your language use throughout felt somewhat natural for what a prisoner might write to his girl.

Dear Elise, the neighbours gave me your new address,
I can't believe you left..... I'm such a mess...
You were the best part of me, shit Elise your all I talked about!!
And to think i wrote you, about how my trust in you had it's doubts.. an then you rip my heart out!

You see how that one line is way longer than every other line? That's a bad sign. It definitely jolted whatever flow you had going. I also think a little bit of exposition could have been used here, even just some form of timeline.

I hear your with drew well, aint that some fucking irony!
Well after tonight no one will be able to lie again to me...
I'm hanging see...
I'm dead

Remember how I said after the first quote that your ending was obvious? Your ending was very obvious. Drew wasn't a fleshed-out character, so Elise leaving D for him doesn't really mean much to us. It's defintiely not ironic, but people misuse that word all the time, so I'm not tripping. I thought the last two lines were really unnecessary, too. You could have cut yourself off at the point where you still had some subtlety.

This entire verse had the feel of a "Stan" remake, all the way down to the author of the letters killing himself. How did he even write those final words, right? But it was a complete story, if a story-by-the-numbers. You have a grasp for the type of language you want to use, but your fundamentals are lagging. Still, I think you won this, even as Storyteller had the better verse, on the strength of following the instructions.

Vote: Flo Real

[veritas]

Wow seprent is a hard vote to follow, but I agree. Storyteller you have techinical skills, which I think went harder than flo, but you did not tell a coherent story.

mvgt flo

[Pinot Grij]

These words seem indistinct and just scattered for show,
Sho nuff. Gotta reiterate what others said here.. no story. These abstract-ish verses seem to be the norm in topical texting these days and it all seems to fall into the same slush pile for me. Without a strong storyline, or killer, killer rhyme schemes, its hard to differentiate.

Flo Real, I really hated your ending man... I liked the character, and felt for him a bit, but that ending could have been fleshed out far more. First two stanzas had some nice details (like, better make it 8) to make your character believable. Those details are nice touches.

Vote goes to Flo Real for sticking to a story

[Spoken]

Wow really.... Fuck it

[Geno]

what a great break down by certain serpent. i see you puting in work dog, appreciate it if no one else does

sory for my weak breakdowns fellas

story, though you had a cool verse man. but to be honest i didnt really think you had much on flo real as far as plot concept and storytelling goes. your shit seemed scattered and random to me? iono. almost loioke a hopeful no show verse or something

flo real -ive seen better from you, but i gather you just threw together a verse that would gain the win. in that case well done. you squeeked by this week

v-flo real

again sry for weak voting/breakdowns