Advanced Thinking

[PiE]

In concepts of space and time
The universe is the hard drive
That downloads all information
To take and start life
Through programs of facts at speeds
Appearing magically
We've given these programs names called galaxies
Their suns are power sources for solar systems
To feed all programs in the course they live in
Blazing in the center to enter and force dimensions
Of planets to revolve as it controls their rhythms
From it's source a given supply is distributed
Equilibrium is when planets follow the rules it gives
In laws of science, yet we live with frauds of finance
That sell shortcuts from this path to all the tyrants

Lazily, we stray and leave what was tradition
Natural ways of living lost as comfort takes position
Conditioned by society to live as blinded thieves
That snatch the life of tress for money and it's reminded me
To open eyes and see, even though I love the life I lead
If changes aren't made soon, we'll die and we won't die in peace
I take a chance brining these words to enhance thinking
So is what man's bringing forms of advanced thinking?

Humanity - one of the newest in the family
Of life yet we place our highest strengths into vanity
Randomly making choices of exploiting the Earth's interior
Destroying things as annoying beings think they're superior
Remember when we feared the worst and some were giving up
Waiting for Y2K crashes as time brought the millennium
Technology ruling the future is the policy
Meaning machines do all the work, making employees obsolete
So you tell me, when will it be enough of this?
I don't know so I watch science fiction flicks to see what comes next
As writers, directors and producers tell us the future
With newer prophecies that are becoming truer and truer
So who's the looser in these testaments of the elements
Combining in cloning and artificial intelligence
The outcome is obvious, but people still plan bringing....
It to reality and somehow call it ADVANCED THINKING?!?!?

These circumstances will be made realities by our children
As the parents it's up to us and the wisdom we use to build them
Seeing my daughter as the victim of crimes that we've committed
Seems as viscous as scenes of the Terminator being explicit
And today's politicians being former stars of movie visions
Who are they kidding?
How can we place trust in these foolish pigeons?
But through submission in bills that they've passed this election
In stem cell research advancements drafted for protection
We take away from natural selection as they try to keep us from graves
With medications that's leading our nation to extinction with AIDS
The grim reaper today is an over eager republican
Who wants to push pharmaceutical drugs and leave us wanting them
A market designed to create more need than is needed
It's fiendish as they make a dope fiend out of a child genius
Am I the only one that sees this is really taking place
Conspiracy theories at your local Walgreens have reshaped our race
Currently I suffer from the flu, but what do I do?
No natural home remedies for extended peace...
I take pills with my food
And my immune system grows weak until it can't be self sufficient
I can imagine being an old man that always needs health prescriptions
How does this make us stronger? Or was that ever the purpose?
Is medication used for wealth or to get us better as workers?
These supposed treasures are surplus, but the rich gain from it all
More funding for research if you die and if you live....
They'll be paid for it all
So it's advanced thinking for them, they have nothing to loose
That's why their remedies are peddled to consumers like me
Who have suffered the Flu

[Objective]

First paragraph kinda starts off slow in terms of flow, I couldn't exactly grasp it that well and the rhymes was rather bland to me. But the choice of words and the intro to your piece is dope as fuck and the flow/scheme picks up towards the end of the first paragraph. The subject matter is interesting and I'm looking forward to read where you're going to take me with the universe as a HDD, galaxies as progs along with a bunch of other interesting concepts.

Also;
From it's source a given supply is distributed
^ITS source, not ''it's'' in this case.

Paragraph 2 - The jump from the concept to the earth/society was a huge leap for me as a reader. I didn't know wether you was still talking about the universe using metaphores or not to uncover a dope concept/thought etc., ya feel me? I know the closing couplet to the first paragraph might have been some kind of a transition as to close it up, but it wasn't obvious enough for me tbh and I had to re-read the second stanza to get what you were going at. But this is nitpicking though and probably just me, definitely enjoying what I'm reading so far.

Paragraph 3 - Now, this is kinda what I talked about in paragraph 2, here you present your idea/what you're going to talk about clearly to your reader in the start.

Remember when we feared the worst and some were giving up
Waiting for Y2K crashes as time brought the millennium
^ Lmfao, indeed. Enjoy the shit you're saying, hate the execution of it. No rhymes or anything to help the flow or whatever so it comes across to me as ''lazy'', ya know? Either way, digging the shit you're saying, but don't forget the rhymes. Policy/Obsolete is also kinda lazy. Enjoyed the paragraph a lot for the most part tho'.

The last paragraph was dope, but I felt it sidetracked a bit from the first paragraph tbh. You talked about advanced thinking and somethingsomething as the universe being the hard drive etc. I don't see how that correlates with this section of your piece? Perhaps that is your point tho', to pick apart existence and talk about the truth how you see it along with some shit about how fucked up the world is with its skewed pharmaceuticals.

Word at the shit you were saying tho' and I agree with your viewpoints, some thought provoking shit in there as well. Don't know why this is getting slept on. Definitely a dope piece. Looking forward to read more from you.

[PiE]

laws of science and technology was supposed to be the comparison,... that's why I'm comparing the galaxies to programs.. thanks for the feed

[Brian Bryan]

This is dopesauce, too long to quote odd ends and sods I liked while at work, but definately will re-visit at some point.

Great concept behind it, pretty sure my boy oats would love this one actually, didn't think the flow started slowly as Objective said - infact, I thought the way the lines were short and broken up added to it if anything, placed more emphasis on certain points being made by doing that, made it connect with me more as a reader because it made me concentrate on what was being said, you dig?

Nothing against Objective, just stating my opinion, I agree with him for the most part. If there's an OM nomination thread, this gets my vote. Real ingenuitive. I liked.

Keep that pen moving!

[PancakeBrah]

Fixed title.

[Objective]

laws of science and technology was supposed to be the comparison,... that's why I'm comparing the galaxies to programs..

Oh, I got that, what I thought was rather ''sketchy'' (in lack of a better word) was how you transitioned from that to talking about humans and the life on earth. You were talking about the universe and then suddenly you ''zoomed'' in on earth without warning so it kept me guessing at first what you were actually talking about, ya feel me? Either way it's a dope piece.

Brian Bryan: ''Nothing against Objective.'' Had to smile at that.. Bro, we're two different individuals, ofc we're going to look at things differently no matter what it is. I wouldn't think you'd be against me even if you thought everything I said was wrong. Oh, the nomination thread for august will be made in September, the one for June is stickied. Think I'm going to nom it then.

[PiE]

thanks Brian Bryan and thanks fire the clarification Oats. I appreciate all the feed and big thanks for the compliment Brian. be nice to get a nom for this.

[Geno]

really dig your writing man. this was hella long to read. it started off really slow and i almost thought i would close it out before i even really began. it soon picked up though and i was able to read on throughout the entire verse. good piece man. im not getting into details.. but know what im a fan.

holla, i hit your email btw

[oats]

Bookmarked

[oats]

all right, finally took a moment to read this, aaaaaand I liked it. This had all the elements of a verse I would like - science, finance, social injustices, all wrapped beneath an umbrella vague enough to contain such a wide array of topics. For that, hats off. It's not easy to pull that off, and for the most part, you did.

I do have some gripes with this though. First, there a number of typos. I know, I know, seems nitpicky, but whenever I read through a piece and consider it for HOF, the first thing that sticks out to me is polish. Typos don't help your case in that department. Easy to edit it and make the quick corrections, so do it.

Now, the gripes of actual substance. First, I think the concept never takes shape, never realizes itself so to speak. That's because the overarching theme of "advanced thinking" is only alluded to peripherally, and never dealt with directly or concretely enough to get me into it. You keep asking me questions about advanced thinking (rhetorically, of course), but the problem is I have no reference to anchor to. I don't know if they call that stuff advanced thinking, I've never heard that before. This dulls the impact of your message. Declare it to me. Tell me that they call it advanced thinking. Speak with more authority on it and I'll accept it, leave it up to me and it's hit or miss.

Furthermore, there are so many things addressed here (as I mentioned earlier), and none of them felt fully or satisfyingly developed to me. It's like your breezed through a number of issues, connected them thinly together, and moved on. What hurt you more is, none of the information or opinions seemed all that original to me - I feel like the ideas expressed here are already known and accepted. Of course, that's to be expected, nothing is original anymore they say, so it's on you to present things in a fresh way. Make me think of something I've never thought of before, use metaphors/analogies/turns of phrase or wordplay to make me see things in a light that's new and interesting. Saying "republicans are greedy! they push pharmaceuticals on us! etc etc" isn't new to me. Throw a wrench in there, weave in some of those other topics that swing by to strengthen the connection between all these things. You have the beginnings of that here, but it's not executed imo. Conceptually it felt flat, when there are so many ways you could spin it.

Finally, the writing mechanics were a little simplistic to me. Not everything has to be an earth-shattering string of multis, but some rhymes (distributed/rules it gives, finance/tyrants, giving up/millennium, enough of this/see what comes next, purpose/workers) just didn't work for me. Everyone bends rhymes, but some of those were too much of a bend for me to take. Beyond that, though, the lines were written so matter-of-factly that it didn't resonate emotionally with me. It was like a rhyming lecture on things I already know about. If that makes sense.

Sorry to pick this apart (that's why they pay me the big bucks here at NC), but I figured a) people have already been saying what is good about this and b) this is good enough to warrant thorough feedback. You have a lot of skills, and I can see the raw materials for great writing at work here, but at this point there is still some work to be done (as there always will be). I hope you take this criticism as a vehicle to refine those skills, because I'd love to see you take the strides I think you're capable of.

Strong verse, lots to like about it, not gonna receive a HOF nod from my direction though. No doubt you'll get there sooner than later.

For reference of some of the things I mentioned being put on display, check out this verse from dead man:

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php/black-masterpeace-441626/index.html?t=441626

[dead man]

oats 4 prez