Week 3 - Mr. J v VERITAS - V WINS

[zygote]

Challenge League contest page

Submissions are due WEDNESDAY at 23:59 Pacific Daylight/Standard Time.
Extensions are due THURSDAY at 23:59 Pacific Daylight/Standard Time.
You must vote on at least 3 other battles, for every absent vote, you will be deducted one vote next week.

Voting ends Sunday at 11:59 Pacific Daylight/Standard Time.
If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

WEEKLY MEMO : Greetings competitors, we move to the most open-ended challenge of the league. HYPOTHETICAL COLLABORATION WEEK, each contest will be provided with 1 hyperlink to an open mic page. You are required to write in response to your hyperlink. As compensation for the nature of the topics (and the cries of “the voters didn’t understand it!”) you have the option to include a concise explanation along with your submission this week. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.

SPECIFIC WRITING TASK : (20 v 30) Mr. J v VERITAS. TASK: http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=4186

[veritas]

Not an emotional man, but this the kinda topic where the pen slips,
The score: the reasons for why we end our friendships….
“They say what you’re feeling now is the waves of the decisions you made in the future…”
They say “that kat is the real metaphysical” when I use quantum anomalies to tutor.
People change. At the molecular level.
Seasons rearrange. Readjustments of the bass and the treble.
A fact of life is change, not only yourself, but also those most closest to your heart
The other fact is that change is relative and operates at different rates of stop and start
So people out grow those who stay stuck. While those who stay stuck hate those that advance
So you sitting back confused about what happened, but truth is, you never really had a chance.
They say “ You never truly ever leave high school”. An unfortunate maxim, obviously observed
Others note “You hurt those you love the most”. This doesn’t mean these get what they deserve
Violations against friendship are so subjective, not to mention there is two sides to every story
And your boys all got they own opinions, so the pariah often sits back on some “poor me”.
The force we endorse is the source of the course of the world’s worth:
Self-centeredness, and often our friends are nothing more than the world’s worst.
So in times of stress or pressure, or shady girlfriends or drugs, there presents a million reasons to break the mold….
Put it quit simply to eloquently sum up my treatise: the reason friendships dissolve is because growing up aint growing old.

[Mr. J]

It's the same liquor I'm pouring that seems like a poison
it got a hold on my boys and.. brother say don't stop
live everyday like you on top... so now we making noise and
riding low, dipping slow on the block... the bass echoes and
the ho's scream hello and...it's a regular day in hell ol' friend
a regular day in hell ol' friend... we pay our respects
push a mu'fuckers temple in, blow up his mosque..
then get those ends, put two and two together we was disrespectful men
I laugh because every other day.. I see you like you met your end..
and as I said good bye, remember... snitching is a problem, your debt.. is death :)

[Nigma]

J, dope flow as usual. Read smoothly, kinda wish you stuck with some rhyme schemes longer, but it was a short verse and I guess that would not be practical. Did as much as you could for being brief, but compared to what you could have done with a longer write it seems underdeveloped. Chalk it up to being rushed, I'd guess. Enjoyed it for what it was though, you could probably add to it and post it in the OM

Veritas, you always have dope content and some interesting take on things within your writing but your mechanics hold you back. Pay more attention to syllable count, take your first bar for example:
"Not an emotional man, but this the kinda topic where the pen slips,
The score: the reasons for why we end our friendships…."

First line is perfect, gets the reader asking questions with the hint of inciduated emotional ties, I like it. The second line is lackluster in syllable count alone. Sometimes I have lines similar to that after a rough draft but you can always add a word or two to balance things out. For extra points you could have that word rhyme with or provide assonance for/with another word in the line. Even with the second line having more syllables isn't a bad thing but its kinda a let down for an opener to sound like that.

/rant

But yeah enjoyed the verse. The wording and content had a 'real' feel towards them. Expanded on your concept nicely, nadda bad verse muh bruddah.

Prognosis, If J would have had the amount of content as Veritas I wouldn't be surprised if my vote would change, but as is, I don't feel like finishing this sentence.

+1 Veritas

[Mike Wrecka]

cool battle.

veritas - you used a much more traditional style in this piece and I think it really shined because of it. you always have a deep and profound message but with the convential mechanics and structure it made it much more cohesive for me. really enjoyed this verse.

A fact of life is change, not only yourself, but also those most closest to your heart
The other fact is that change is relative and operates at different rates of stop and start

so true. this whole verse resonated with me deeply.

mr.j - cool swaggy type of verse. flowed really well even though I disagree with your choice to end a line with "and" at one point. way too short though to stand up to veritas' verse. and it was somewhat empty as far as message and content. I did enjoy the flow of it though.


good battle

vote- Veritas

[Certain]

VERITAS: Man, I can relate to your verse so closely. It applies to a lot of shit going on in my life. You took this topic and wrote sort of a counterpoint of sorts, an antinostalgia creed. It was real and warm but also cold and distant, in the right ways. Your mechanics were all over the place, though. Perhaps the worst was the line about "The force we endorse," where the rhymes for the only time all verse felt forced and out of place. You had a pattern going, even if it wasn't the smoothest, then broke it for probably the thinnest line of the verse. But that's not a deal-breaker. I think you ultimately could have done something to give this verse a little more direction because it came across as a bit cliché and redundant, but it was a good approach.

Mr. J: I've read a handful of your verses and cyphers at this point, and this seemed more rushed than any. I didn't like the rhyming off "and" or the repeating "a regular day in hell ol' friend." Your content was vague, and your rhyme schemes were so varied that it was tough to completely pick up your flow. There really wasn't much content, at least not building on your challenge verse. In short, you're a better writer than this verse reflected.

Vote: VERITAS

[Inno]

V

this was outstanding multi rhyming inner mutlis and all that shit type of verse lol...good shit man you displayed your excellent word use and vocab nicely..your told a narrative that was quite entertaining..some lines are really profound lol..srsly. the worlds worth line and the one after that...sick shit...ill verse mang.


J

man...can I be completely honest...you had a more compelling story to me..well the start of a really dope story. unlike V you wrote in a more simpler form..made it much more easy to read and made the flow smoother. good shit. man I wish you would dropped a complete verse..i honestly think you would of took this...dope shit for what you had.


overall

Mr.J had this if he would dropped more content..i needed more to chew on and he left me starving...veritas wrote just as ill and dropped a verse that felt more complete to me..thats why he gets my vote. V

[patrown]

mr. j - sounded like a verse you could put on a beat. came clean, no complaints.

/v veritas - powerful stuff. very pointed. favorite line..

Others note “You hurt those you love the most”. This doesn’t mean these get what they deserve

damn. strong statement. almost made me feel guilty for a second. very true. i gave the vote your way for content. you said a lot here. nice drop.

[Pinot Grij]

Mr. J.. pretty basic, the inside/outside scheme was alright off the top, but there just wasn't enough content here to satisfy.

VERITAS, cool concept and I think you did it justice subject matter wise... main critique is that it was way too wordy.. your lines started getting ridiculously long and it detracted from the content, especially since it was mono-rhymes for the most part... think you could have scaled the whole project back and had an even greater effect.

Vote, VERITAS

[Objective]

Mr.J: Aiiight, I get what you're getting at but I didn't feel it. The smiley at the end seemed immature to me as well. The verse itself is too short to really give any impact as well. Kudos for trying, F for effort. I believe you could have done a lot more with this and written some pretty decent shit, sucks that you didn't. Put more thought into your verse the task given.

Veritas: This seemed rather rushed compared to the rhymeschemes in other works I've seen by you, but the shit you were saying held up. Interesting analogy and natural pace of your verse. Some mental ish in there with a few lines that reflects reality as well.

Violations against friendship are so subjective, not to mention there is two sides to every story
And your boys all got they own opinions, so the pariah often sits back on some “poor me”.
^Perfect example of what I was just talking about.

I could see the ''hypothetical collabo'' in this one, dope submission. Keep it up.

Vote: Veritas.

[Adonis]

Quick...apologies

I liked J's verse, it was way to short but considering the content making it longer would most likely make it whack. Obviously a key, but flow was nice which carried a lack of originality or concept in general. Veritas also came short, but had some nice thought provoking lines. Both verses are well bellow your normal talent level but not awful reads either.

V/Veritas

More thought provoking then J