Week 3 - Brian Bryan v Rawn M.D. - BB WINS

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Challenge League contest page

Submissions are due WEDNESDAY at 23:59 Pacific Daylight/Standard Time.
Extensions are due THURSDAY at 23:59 Pacific Daylight/Standard Time.
You must vote on at least 3 other battles, for every absent vote, you will be deducted one vote next week.

Voting ends Sunday at 11:59 Pacific Daylight/Standard Time.
If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

WEEKLY MEMO : Greetings competitors, we move to the most open-ended challenge of the league. HYPOTHETICAL COLLABORATION WEEK, each contest will be provided with 1 hyperlink to an open mic page. You are required to write in response to your hyperlink. As compensation for the nature of the topics (and the cries of “the voters didn’t understand it!”) you have the option to include a concise explanation along with your submission this week. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.

SPECIFIC WRITING TASK : (29 v 18) Brian Bryan v Rawn M.D. TASK: http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=5086

[Rawn M.D.]

check; i aint peep the OM yet tho...

[Brian Bryan]

Raising the Lindbergh Baby

"One should see the world, and see himself as a scale with an equal balance of good and evil. When he does one good deed the scale is tipped to the good - he and the world is saved. When he does one evil deed the scale is tipped to the bad - he and the world is destroyed."
Maimonides


The only thing in this world crueler than a child with a magnifying glass
is the man that takes the brainchildren of a just and equal society ransom.
Here’s an alibi at last, taking fatality’s chances. The survival of anthems
dependent on the youth reclaiming the olden masks of these phantoms
Our lifeline’s short, we needn’t even ask for compassion’s enjambment
It's a long, unrevised poem about theology: shipwreck on Nazareth landing
let’s get past all the chanting, ranting, and havoc to managing planning
let's put a halt to throwing stones at Goliath’s evening carriage at random
I don’t see giants among men, I see adolescent vassals and barons
I see Lazarus baring his teeth in a palace disparaged, collapsed in the barracks
Some would prefer infanticide to being trapped in a harem,
or going to church with no lasting morals, a pale, waxen appearance
the factor's embarrassing. We need to grow up, summon the blue flames
As a race we’re still wet behind the ears from the blood of the crusades
Buttered nougats and soufflés adorn a table fit for no man
Most that dine deserve the boxed lunches at Auschwitz’s daycare program
The fountain of youth without an irrigation system -
causes sandy hooks that do little to lift the veil on properly raising children
Keep your top hats on, my brothers from a number of troubling tribes
Please take your prayer beads out and raise 'em up to the discomforting sky
My point to make is that the age of accountability doesn’t apply;
if we don’t live in an age of accountability, but that‘s the crux of this lie.
Take the offspring of our wives. Those little munchkins make a stunning regime
I hope the mark of the bee sting leads to prosperous fields of honey and wheat
Rather than a toppled veneer, the rubble of Greece, we were rubbin their cheeks
though they crawl, coo, & cuddle in sheets, soon they’ll succumb to the breach
We wear condoms in fear that we’ll give birth to sons that besiege
We’re past the 1980’s coups, the incubation flukes, it sounds crazy too
The first steps that they take…stamping on the human face forever, in baby shoes.
Exaggerations? Few. Just look at the data I’ve collected
If evil stems from childhood, why not at the earliest stage attempt to correct it?
Today’s lesson: Children of men, if given the chance to...
Would take advantage of that undeveloped, foreign disguise
When the umbilical cord is cut, don’t be hypnotized by those adorable eyes
cause I know human nature on a first name basis & he can be a horrible guy.
These first-borns’ll provide much destruction, build missiles and drones
Miniature killers who continue to hone lineages of anti-spiritual rogues
Consider that Reverend Death smiles at us all, smitten in chrysalis smoke
for the crimes our brainchildren have committed in loads
Payback’s a bitch to the bone
and poetic justice wasn’t the most well written of codes
therefore I regret to inform you that your million dollar baby's on official parole...





…our children could grow into bitter monstrosities
without limits, control, and physical monitoring.
But with simple – imposed - dermal digi-technology
the chips on their shoulders administered properly
could give us more honest feedback on their thoughts
their physique, their autonomy, actions and more.
Once that’s been procured, we can start to address
any harmful intentions or partial defects
found in arduous tests, then attend to their cells
& embark on corrections to save them from themselves.
With everyone helped – which is the purpose given –
God’s playground can be enjoyed by the most gifted & perfect children...
…Are these political words of wisdom being used to deceive
or a modern miracle worth conviction? The future looks bleak
no matter how you choose to perceive it. Be that as slaves to genetics
- mere human guinea pigs the meek await to inherit –
labelled authentic when our very identity’s manufactured
with our double-helices the structures really keeping us captive.
Creatures of habit become a breeding ground for clone-esones
and our freedom is banished because of greed. Now it’s otiose
to think how they chose to cope when if only they had believed
what millions of minds all pulling the same way could achieve
with conveyor belt DNA signatures, processed and assigned,
- Genetic designer babies replicating the next that’s in line -
from the pigment to their height – Each identically matched
with no ending in sight as they’re engineered together en masse.
Using replica strands for our betterment & our wellbeing we trust’s safe,
…but our government wouldn’t use if for any other reasons, would they?
A deep mistrust lays beneath the guttural rumble of machines,
that grumble as if realising how their productions been received.
- They splutter and they screech as if appalled by the retrofits,
while the Government release statements on how it’s all for our benefit.
The factory walls see it’s eminency in their noxious, plastic, smiles
- but I wouldn’t trust ‘em as far as I could throw their robotic bastard child.
With carbon-copies stacked in piles & innumerable data collected
we’re promised advance in style… towards the day of our reckoning.
- We automated their engines, sped them up as a novelty,
Took away the attendants who oversaw they were functioning properly.
Now if we look at it logically, with everything we’ve ever fed
them, we’re just a commodity - They don’t consider us a threat.
It’s Darwinism in effect.
Both options fool to deceive -
The future looks bleak no matter how you choose to perceive it...

[Rawn M.D.]

The baby was born with angelic blond hair and the devil’s blue eyes
The doctor smacked him on the ass, and his cries signified a new life
Darwin summized that only the strong survive, so death to the weak
There’s 7 sins and 7 virtues, and ironically there is 7 days in a week
Cancer cells brings immortality, but also kills its host in the end run
Even if we chose the road less traveled, in the same place we’d end up
In a world where one bergan belsin equates to mozarts 9th symphony
The mona lisa’s traded at market value for the next mans life misery
So we let it breath and become truly inspired while holding our breath
And feel the most alive closest to death, stuck in an oceanic abyss
Leave our footprints in the sand only to get washed with the tides
People say moneys the root of evil, but we pray and pay our tithes
Could it be part of the grand design, our mind fighting the I ching
We look to the heavens, but the sun eventually becomes blinding
The writings been on the wall inside cave drawings and hieroglyphics
Predicted by mystics, but we’ve missed it and nobody likes the cynic
We’re the light inside the prism, our density’s bend our perspective
Tell lies to ourselves out of comfort, taking comfort in self deception
Eugenics, vaccines, nuclear medicine, gps tracking, and fukashima
We’ve lost faith in humanity, leaving athetist as the true believers
Building walls to block us off, with our discord funding nationalism
Modern day conquistadors to space, displaying passive aggression
Dispatching our engines in cold wars with no compassionate victims
Who the fuck gives a shit about sputnik or immaculate conception
We’d violate the Geneva convention just to blast our way thru heaven
And plastic our skin to fabricate aesthetics while capturing Yemen
She carried him 9 months in her womb to die from preeclampsia
He had the devils blue eyes with angelic blond hair…he was America

[Rawn M.D.]

Mike Wrecka - open for votes Vulgar

[Certain]

Brian Bryan: I really loved the first 12 lines. You played off Vulgar's verse perfectly, had a really strong rhyme scheme and made good points with strong content. Then you slid into the same issue I had with your midgets verse, with the awkward rhyming. It's not a deal-breaker by any means, but the starting and stopping makes the verse a bit more difficult to read. Perhaps breaking up lines could help. Here's what I mean, in one example of plenty:

…Are these political words of wisdom being used to deceive
or a modern miracle worth conviction? The future looks bleak
no matter how you choose to perceive it.

Without the context of the second line, the first seems to mean something completely different, as though you're questioning whether the political words of wisdom are being used to deceive rather than whether the ideas as a whole are political words of wisdom being used to deceive. It's a pretty importand difference. The same could then be said about the following sentence, where "The future looks bleak" can stand on its own.

Now, your use of proper punctuation helps a lot with that. And this is a minor, minor flaw. You're a very good writer. But I feel like your grasp of technical delivery perhaps overshadows the more natural feel of when to rhyme. I have the same problem at times. It can leave a reader slightly disoriented and forced to reread in order to pick up both the lyricism and the content, since they don't match as well as they do for others. Again, this is picking at flaws. But that was an issue for you in your last verse, and it becomes one after the first 12 lines of this one.

Anyway, to get on with the rest of the verse, there were some good thoughts here and you played well off Vulgar's train of thought. You were much more direct than he was, which was important because it gave substance to his abstractions. As a result, your verse didn't have nearly as many standout lines. You build on your words, though a few of your thoughts felt like rambling run-ons with so many clauses. And the last section, maybe the last six or so lines, felt tacked on. But as a whole, this verse did an excellent job of complementing Vulgar's while carving out its own niche.

Rawn M.D.: I read the first two lines and thought you'd be going with a story approach, which would have been an interesting and challenging way to build off Vulgar's verse. But instead you went with a more generic view of the science vs. religion argument. I guess what I felt was lacking here was any real impactful viewpoint. You seemed to just take the "fuck it all" stance or, more cynically, the "throw everything up against a wall and see what sticks" method.

Religious discussion composed the bulk of the verse, and I didn't think much of it worked. Again, you weren't really saying anything with it. Also, that had almost nothing to do with Vulgar's verse. I think if you had been more direct about the discussion of the opposition of further medical research involving stem cells and abortions and eugenics and all that stuff, you could have had a strong verse. It wouldn't have lined up ideally with Vulgar's, but it could have worked nonetheless.

As an aside, two things I wanted to clear up: Judeo-Christian leadership decided there would be seven days in the week, and the same group, thousands of years later, decided there would be seven sins and seven virtues. That's not ironic at all. It's all part of the church's obsession with specific numbers: 3, 7 and 40. Also, Beethoven's Ninth Symphony is the famous one. Mozart's Symphony No. 9 is not remarkable or recognizable.

Then there's the twist. That felt forced. I see some of the mild foreshadowing with the collisions of religion and the general relation of your verse to America, but that last line was delivered in a way that made me think I was supposed to really feel something strong. It didn't land. There were a few strong lines in your verse, but I've seen you come much better this week alone.

Vote: Brian Bryan

[Pinot Grij]

Brian Bryan did what I was afraid to do with my verse and that was to go toe-to-toe with the original... Vulgar's shit was pristine, but BriBry actually took the theme one step further, responsed and critiqued the original with a voice that didn't try necessarily to go toe-to-toe with the insane amount of allusion Vulgar went to.

Rawn, I thought technique-wise it was a little bumpy

Cancer cells brings immortality, but also kills its host in the end run
Even if we chose the road less traveled, in the same place we’d end up
In a world where one bergan belsin equates to mozarts 9th symphony
The mona lisa’s traded at market value for the next mans life misery
Just didn't read smoothly for me.

Thematically, I thought the verse was a little all over the board too... allusions to a lot of different concepts that seemed awkward when placed close together (sputnik/immaculate conception/Yemen)

I like the concept but I think the verse needs some polish. BB hit closer to the target on this one with a well-written and well-devised verse

Vote for BrianBryan

[Brian Bryan]

Links to go here!

1) http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=9685
2) http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=9705
3) http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=9682

[Mike Wrecka]

uppin over no shows. ill edit my vote here later

[patrown]

/v brian bryan- nice piece. went very well as a collab. read smoothly, syllable count progression worked well in your favor. took it with progression holding my interest more. the sarcastic tone worked well with the subject matter, and your mechanics here are top notch. great job.

rawn m.d.- i liked the twist. tbh, had your mechanics been a wee bit beefier, or your verse worked better as a collab, i would've voted your way with one or the other present. i found the verse quite entertaining. your opponent simply came with a more polished drop. nice piece, still.

[Mike Wrecka]

sick battle guys.

lars - impressive verse. I like how you kept the same rhyme strand going for a while. im a big fan of that and you did it well here. very thought provoking verse that went extremely well with the original. good stuff

rawn - a very good verse here. good mechanics good rhyme scheme. also thought provoking and went with vulgars very well. sorry bout the quick vote but I just read these and really enjoyed them and said I have to vote despite being in a rush.


both competitors went in the exact same direction and they both executed extremely well. I think flow and mechanics are equal here. these were two very good verses. props guys. im gonna go with the one that I found ever so slightly more interesting and that was

vote- brian bryan

[Dagel is a biter]

BB, this was probably the best thing I've read online in a few years my dude. Your wording, for one, was pinpoint perfect. Everything flowed together, one word to another. I felt like I was reading a piece from Blacketh or Engivale in their prime. Your rhyme scheme, another thing, was fluent. Never dumbed down, never got tongue tied, just kept a smooth consistency. The concept matter was interesting and fresh. Not a typical topic that everybody has used and not a out of this world topic that's too complex to grasp. Overall, an awesome piece.

Rawn, this was kinda too simple man. I enjoyed the idea and the approach. But your wording and your rhyme scheme kinda lost my interest about halfway in. It was nowhere near BB's technical level this week and I don't entirely blame you after reading his piece. It would've been difficult for anybody to touch this week. I dunno dude, I liked what you were aiming for just didn't think the journey itself was enough.

Vote Brian, better overall piece.