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View Full Version : Week 1: Split vs. Kannon -- [Kannon 6-0]


Adonis
09-25-2014, 10:19 PM
Verses will be due Thursday Oct. 2nd at 11:59 p.m. Western / 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. There are no Extensions. No Exceptions.

Verses must be a minimum of 10 Lines and maximum of 48 Lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by both competitors.

Votes will be due Sundays at 11:59 p.m. Western / 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK .

View Other Rules Here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=96884)

Goodluck

Split kannon


Topic: http://i57.tinypic.com/3479vtc.jpg

kannon
10-03-2014, 02:02 AM
I felt like a rose petal jumping off the edge of a heavy cloud,
Swaying as I settle in the nervous energy of this sweaty crowd
I hear every sound, envy and deadly vows from the devil's mouth
Remembering the emptiness I felt around, but when in doubt
I'll think of my protector, and the direction I already found
The lessons, the introspection, the beauty in his many vows
The white light faded quickly... steady now... It's better down here
Life support, two defibrillator paddles, doctors yelling out "CLEAR!"

I opened my eyes in a hospital bed, knowing that I oughta be dead
Spent the last hour in Heaven talking to God and his friends
I was raised a proper Christian, was taught to follow the trends
Of the stories I heard from the bible and the parts that I read
So when I got to Heaven, I was sorta feeling my complacency
But Peter told me that he couldn't open up the gates for me
He made it seem like everything that I was raised to believe
Was taken out of context, not even close to the way it should be
My parents taught me that gay marriage was an abomination
That God loves everyone, but the gays were the spawn of Satan
My teachers said Barack wasn't even from our solemn nation
And the birth certificate that we saw... well, Obama faked it
My momma said the bible tells the way that we should look at things
We're better than the heathens who don't have that brotherhood and creed
My father told me that mom's job was just to cook and clean
Women should be submissive, All of this is in the book we read
By now a crowd of angels had gathered to hear me plead my case
I only knew what I was taught, and all of it seemed to be a waste
I was only twelve, my parents wanted me to see your grace
they clearly had more important things to teach than please and thanks
I saw a bright light, and the crowd of angels part to make rows
And Jesus walked down an aisle lined with harps and halos
He told me "Don't be a dick, kid. I'd never be so evil..."
And sent me back to earth to pass his words to all his people

So now I'm on track... Got a new lease on my life's contract
Jesus, Peter, Paul and Luke and John are all my comrades
What an experience! I think 'Out-of-Body' is what they call that
So if you try to tell me my religion, I'll tell you to fall back...


...oh, and God's black.

Split
10-04-2014, 02:13 AM
in your studio uptown, it is quiet at last.
set your cell to silent, duck down,
try and relax. the work week will wait up.
the stress has been killer. perfectly mundane,
and eternally painless. bland french vanilla Folgers,
hand-pressed manila folders, the commuter line anthem
diffuses by stand-ins for the youth that you and I danced with-
how can this be? how things have changed.
this town seems the same but i only see strangers
and street signs feel foreign. the last stop
shouldve been mine. the next off is a crooked design
of wooden relief, and I hesitate at the door,
this is the turning point, the medication is warm,
but the bath is drawn and my patience is worn
and the next song echoes with a playful reprieve.
luxury's subtle, but comfort is amazingly cheap.
ive bought myself time and didnt save the receipt...
slipped into slumber just to wait for the dream

theMuzzl3
10-04-2014, 07:07 AM
kannon:

Your verse was good, from beginning to end. It was a bit on the religious side, but I won't judge it based on that. There was some rhymes, which isn't necessary, but a plus in my book.

The over-all message was very good and the storyline told it very well, from start to finish.

I found no grammatical mistakes (which I don't dock points for), but I'm also drunk now.

From the first few lines, to the middle part where you improvised, to (my favorite part) the out of body experience… it was excellent. It also had a good, positive message to it.

Some parts could have been structured better, however I can't give advice on that (just read Certain's post)

The "…oh, and God's black." part brought it from an 8.5 to a 9. That line was an awesome ending.

9/10




Split:

You missed the deadline, but I'm going to vote regularly & without bias. You must have some clout with admins to have allowed this, because I saw other topics being deleted and yours re-appeared. I feel like you have Split-personalities (hint hint). I find it funny that your sig quotes me from 2 different quotes and you were first to reply on topics that are now deleted from multi-account usage and impersonation.

I read your verse twice, and just to be fair, here is my unbiased assessment:

I like how your second half went, after the "how can this be?" part.

I like the hesitation at the door. Medication warm seems to symbolize her coming back into her Earthly body, and the bath drawn in her patience being "warm" instead of "warn" would have been like welcoming her to heaven… but you kind of lost me. Perhaps, you wrote in too many metaphors for me to understand, and for that I will raise your score.

Considering you were late (possibly dealing with other split personalities):

EDIT** I scored you a 4/10, now after the 3rd time I read it, I'm giving you a 7/10 -- (docked 1.5 points for missing Thurs Oct 2, midnight the deadline, so woulda been 8.5/10).

/v kannon

Vulgar
10-04-2014, 10:38 AM
Kannon - Decent verse Kan, no doubt this would work better in audio form because your delivery would make it more pristine. The concept was borderline average, the writing stellar. The ending was cool.

Split - This is better on the second read, there's good sensational awareness in your character description. Underdeveloped might be the word to describe it though, I'm not fully convinced you gave this 1 hunnit percent.

My vote goes to kannon.

Adonis
10-04-2014, 08:56 PM
8 - I liked " the next off is a crooked design of wooden relief, and I hesitate at the door, this is the turning point", this was dope for plenty of reasons. All in all though, the flow was off and on. There were true highlights, but given the multitude of change ups (which I do appreciate and recognize) the flow skipped a beat or two to catch up. The story it self was relatively face value. Your previous works created this expectation of me having to decipher the entire verse in order to draw something definite from it, which in the end is usually satisfying whether I'm right or wrong because you made me think. this was not in that vein. The writing was solid, good use of emotion and painting a picture of a person trying to escape the every day hustle and bustle. But in the end, I will say not one of your better complete works. I assume because it was rushed, thus, not complete.

Diggs - "deadly vows/ many vows" no bueno. The story was very captivating 3/4's of the way through, and then it just sort of moved along drably. The finished product had a quick jab, but I much preferred the more series moments although humor is a good tool in these leagues, in this case I felt it took away more then help complete. The flow was decent, but you too changed it up here and there and created small windows worth of hiccups sprinkled around.

In the end I can only say my expecting a strong BOTW (battle of the week) and possible BOTY (battle of year) candidate I was left disappointed. You both have come ten times better then this effort, but the funny thing is, as I'm being highly critical; for the sake of argument (Might not be true), say these were each of your worst verses ever, I still enjoyed them.


Voting Kannon

His verse felt more complete

Camp Bell
10-04-2014, 09:08 PM
i started reading kannons verse and was COMPLETELY blown away
by his description of what he was taught as a kid on how to be a
christian. all the things people say are in the bible and how everybody
interprets it differently. thought it matched beautifully with the picture.

splits verse was puzzling. i felt it was either rushed or not done. it also
would've been much better had he started it out as a dream to match
better with the visual that the picture gave us.


vote: kannon

King Ra.
10-05-2014, 09:58 AM
First time reading something from you Kannon, and I must say, despite going the religious route, what you put together was just great. You set a tone in the beginning & then after that laid out the groundwork. I don't think I ever lost interest. Your story flowed from start to finish. The religious theme is one that is overly redundant, but when you're able to put things together, it can work. The last part of the mid section down to the ending was just very cool. It tied everything together. Kudos for a great read. Split, nice to see you back at it. I'm still really waiting to see you put together a fully written piece. For what you dropped in this match, you definitely could have expanded a bit more. Your writing is always a pleasure to read though. But in comparison to your opponent, it just wasn't enough meat to it. I'm all for "dream" concepts/ideas, because you can do so much with it. I know if you wrote more to this picture, it would have been just as good as Kannon's. Hopefully you will do more as the weeks go by. I feel Kannon overall, just put together a more complete story that read smoothly from beginning to end & really brought the picture to life.


MVGT: kannon. Good job by both competitors.

YDK
10-05-2014, 10:36 PM
Wow I gotta say I'm impressed with you kannon I never read a topical from you but I really enjoyed this verse man. Definitely had a strong an controversial subject that you used well along with a easy to read flow an the humor at the end was a nice touch. Overall a solid drop an prolly my favorite read in the past few weeks.
Split I felt you either didn't care this week you were rushed or tried waaayyy too hard man lol Ive seen a lot better from you in almost every piece I've seen in the past year but this stop an go cutback rhymescheme doesn't do your style or verse justice man.

I gotta give my vote to kannon this week in an unexpected blowout imo