Week 1: NYCSPITZ vs. Objective [NYCSPITZ wins, 9-1.]

[Adonis]

Verses will be due Thursday Oct. 2nd at 11:59 p.m. Western / 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. There are no Extensions. No Exceptions.

Verses must be a minimum of 10 Lines and maximum of 48 Lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by both competitors.

Votes will be due Sundays at 11:59 p.m. Western / 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK .

View Other Rules Here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=96884)

Goodluck

NYCSPITZ Objective


Topic: http://i58.tinypic.com/ofpwtk.jpg

[NYCSPITZ]

a lone leper scurries hurriedly 'cross the desolate square
uncovers a manhole - he descends into the mess of his lair
sewage flow and rats precede his now militant stride...
quicken pace - he's the strongest evil magician alive.
listen with eyes: his shit'll cross, criss and divide
the lavish chamber's green globe glows - Viridian's Eye
raising his hands to the heavens, a question arises
fuck humanity, but...will the weapon survive this --???

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monks black robed: distanced by miles atop of the globe
encircle an enormous pentagram - they begin chanting in possible code
their arms spread in perfect synchronistic domino mode
swearing allegiance to the Death Society's Jeronimo Oath...
The fierce winds stop: something penetrates the tundra and silence
it's intangible in the air - the promise of plunder and violence.
clouds block satellite views as fires form on the icy surface
with a cloak's swish - they disappear with a delighted purpose.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mother nurtures her baby as her husband stands with the crewmen in deck
chilling in underground caves - the final vestiges of humanity left
where there's a will there's a way. A single purpose keeps their vanity checked
They fled here, to Pangea's Womb when sanity left.
seventy million strong! These submerged bubbles below bellow the heritage
Their leader talks to them now, these humans rapt in their skeletal variance
a man scurries to the curtain. wiping his sly face clean, he takes the pedestal arrogant...
as he subliminally flashes pentagrams and ancients oaths; he's feral in management
wearing a grim face on the telescreen, he starts to seethe...


"My fellow Americans."





.

[Objective]

Everyone's mind is a design refined from definitions,
so tell me what you are if you're stripped for superstitions.
In the midst of these conditions a monster is formed,
humanity's blancing the energy that holds the eye of the storm.
If you're outsourcing the norm stop forcing yourself to conform,
the reform of evolution within illuminates the reason to transform.
When you try to stay warm yet your heart is holding you back,
what makes you think the answers to life will help you on track?
Your face vanished to make room for the snakes to guard your multiple graves,
these creatures assassinate several versions of yourself and make monstreous waves.
Sure, you weren't blinded by the truth given by slaves... You just consumed it all,
so the vulcanic eruptions of your inner Hell of lies could make sure that you fall.
The irritation of your convictions could strip George Carlin for fun,
when the laughter has ended it's because the eye itself is master of none.

[Mr. J]

This should have been my first pick to vote on in my return

I felt both writers had a real blanced.....type of view on their topic
shout out to Objective and spelling errors alike, but I enjoyed both verses
and had he came a little stronger in his piece and a little more dedicated
I may have voted for him here, but where you set the tone you lost the...
what's the word I'm looking for....balance of the piece and your overall written
well not overall, just more...I don't know, you should have done more...
that's what I'm trying to say, and for me to critique NYC right now....
well I could do so but let's just go ahead and give him the vote shall we?
a word of advice Objective, work on finishing what you started...
it would do you well in the end

v/NYC

[theMuzzl3]

First off, best image I have seen in this comp so far. Love the all seeing eye -- Masonry + more influences.
Congrats Adonis

NYCSPITZ:

Everything you wrote was well structured, well worded, and had a theme that you stuck to. It was very inspiring, to say the least. I don't know how much time you spent researching the words and symbolic nature of the picture. In fact, its not a 5 star (pentagram), its not even six sided but the three sides representing pyramid and the 'all seeing eye' stand out to me the most… along with serpents guarding the circle.

Your verse did not go "perfectly" with the image, but your interpretation and the story you told within your own interpretation was very well established and perfectly executed.

I could not find any grammatical mistakes and you are obviously well educated in the English language, and more. I had to use google define several times, which always makes me happy (to learn).

I give you a 9.5/10



Objective:

Your over-all message was very good. The structure was above average. Referring to George Carlin, I don't think was the best idea… but thats the writer's choice, and it led into your last line: your message became clear. I don't think the over all execution was the best, and some lines I feel were placed in order to keep an over-all flow.

There are some misspelled words (not docking on that). One (which I am not sure of) is "stripped for" could be "stripped of". Also "conditions a monster" should be "conditions, a monster" -- not too sure on that either. You misspelled balancing. Other errors which may or may have not been to keep a consistent flow… but again, I do not dock points for grammatical or spelling errors… it just means you needed more time to reread what you wrote.

Over all score = 6.5/10

/v NYSCRIPTZ

[PancakeBrah]

NYCSPITZ-

Pretty cool. Your strength is definitely your knack for storytelling in a text verse style. Good writing throughout, especially in the first and last sections. Not much to say. A strong verse with a Frank-eque finish.

Objective-

This was alright. The '-orm' rhymes definitely got a bit redundant in the middle of this verse. Overall solid, just didn't really wow me or anything. Some good lines, no glaring mistakes. Could've used a bit more, I think?

There's less to say when the verses aren't bad like some of other battles I've trudged through. There was nothing 'wrong' with Objective's verse at all, it was kind of just there, though. NYC didn't have his best verse, but it was good and had a bit more interest in it. Solid battle here.

v/NYC

[Adonis]

Ob - for what you provided, this was an enjoyable read. There really isn't anything I disliked other than the lack of length and complete-ness.

NY - the opening description in the first two stanzas were a very clear backdrop to what was going on. The flow was precise and pace of story moved at a rapid pace that held a peeked interest.

Overall, NY had the better verse.

[big baby]

thought nyc sucked really bad and objective outshun him.
NYC just uses super large words that make no sense. His take on the topic was subpar

Objective was easier on the eyes and actually made sense a lot. Which I think you're supposed to do..hmmm.....!!!!!!!!!!!!

v/objective

[CopyPat]

kinda boring to be honest. ncy had more vocab more story and better rhymes and more interesting of a read. obj was just too boring, not much going on. rhymes were hella basic. i didnt like this battle. but nyc did more with the pic and also had that nice little ending so he gets my vote

v:nyc

[kannon]

NYCS. I feel like the few pieces of yours that I have read tend to be a bit vague, so it's nice to see this a little more direct. I have a slight issue with the line, "listen with eyes," just because I can't, for the life of me, make it make sense in my brain. I'm also not sure how I feel about your uncertainty in whether or not the monks were chanting in code. As the author of this piece, I feel like you should know haha. I feel like I'm being too finicky now. The piece is pretty good. It started out seeming like a secret society of sorts, and with all of the Masonic imagery in the topic picture, it makes sense. But in the end, it almost sounds more like a Matrix-esque army of rebels who were seeking refuge from some sort of threat to humanity. I just feel like there was maybe one more stanza that would have completed this story. We're not sure if this group of people is being led by a psychopath, or if they are indeed safe in an underground compound. It's a great start to a story, it just feels like the ending is missing. Cause it's a little anti-climactic where you ended it... Oh, shit. Unless this is just literally about the president and the USA. Nevermind. I get it now. We're all the assholes.

Objective. The flow of your piece started out super strong, but as I kept reading the lines kept getting longer, which was weird. But anyways... Story wise, this was pretty cool. I felt like the rhymes were super basic in the middle. Transform/Conform/Reform/Formed. Sounds less like you're rhyming and more like we're just reading the same word over and over again. I feel like your ideas got a little too abstract towards the end, to the point where it kinda started to lose meaning. In the end, it felt a bit unfinished, but based on the piece's length, I feel like you maybe didn't put 100% into this one. It ended up just kinda okay.

Vote is for New York City Spits

[Pent uP]

Nyc - pretty solid. Little bit of misdirection but overall pretty predictable. Less solid than your alias work. Nothing really to say about this piece...it was a setup and execute kind of deal and you did that.

Objective -- this was boring to me. Grammatical mistakes and weak rhymes made this a chore to get through. The message in this wasnt anything special and the effort behind it felt flat. Not much to take away from this

Vote nyc

[Pinot Grij]

NYC, I guess the president was sent by Satanic priests? I don't know man, I found it hard to follow... this reads nice but on closer inspection, it just comes off as window dressing... "chanting in possible code" "their arms spread in perfect synchronistic domino mode" "tundra and silence" "skeletal variance" "feral in management"... like, most of that stuff makes zero sense, but when all put together it sounds nice enough.

Objective.. this was pretty played imo. The angle, the delivery - it all seemed very basic. They were rhymes from like a late-80s rap star ensemble track trying to get kids to believe in themselves.

Vote for NYC. I found a lack of coherency in some of the stuff you said, but on pure technical execution, you demonstrated more skills than Objective who came with something far too simplistic to garner a vote... and I'm sure he's able to bring it harder than that.

[Frank]

Vote - NYCSPITZ

Decent battle, decent battle indeed. Objective used his adjectives objectively and carroll's the pictures identity by doing so. NYC does the same, only with greater creativity, though less upstanding with his approach, NYC creates a more distinguished world with much better mechanical technique.

[King Ra.]

NYCSPITZ, wins 9-1.