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View Full Version : Week 1: Innovator vs. Dove Dozer [Dove Dozer wins, 8-4.]


Adonis
09-25-2014, 10:23 PM
Verses will be due Thursday Oct. 2nd at 11:59 p.m. Western / 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. There are no Extensions. No Exceptions.

Verses must be a minimum of 10 Lines and maximum of 48 Lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by both competitors.

Votes will be due Sundays at 11:59 p.m. Western / 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK .

View Other Rules Here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=96884)

Goodluck

Innovator Dove Dozer


Topic:

http://i.imgur.com/FZS6NJ0.jpg



[b]If this is too small I can Pick another topic..Just @ MODs

Inno
10-02-2014, 09:31 PM
Constructing A Melodies Worth



the bluest of skies
against green pastures that wind down
among moving streets.
a chewy breeze choking trees
blissfully at ease, wistful.
a roof top sonnet
complete chimney orchestra
the strings made of cloud.
ad lib comet surround sound.
city in my head about town.
let me re verb this
repeat in your absence, this
symphonies cadence.
a vagabond tag along
spat upon drag across pawn.
sing, sing, sing, sing, sing
let the lyrics kiss your tongues
stand still full of awws
we lip sync even in pause.
paint your self copper.
and let the heavens rain gold
upon medal roof offers-
-salvation's place, cold.
a story sold more than once
its value is lost.
dig these streets with nails in hand
fingers full of rock
butterflies swallow whole hearts
broken legs and two left feet.
hey come on now sing
with me build city sized lyrics;
skyscraper melody.

Dove Dozer
10-03-2014, 10:44 AM
late... sorry work killed my evening. hopefully innovator gets some feed. sorry bro

Run by the coldest of tyrants with roads of cobblestone,
atop the shoulders of giants, his throne sits all alone.
Amidst the shadows, we're kept in silence through the pits and gallows
no water to drink, food to eat, shit..... It's shallow.
You'd think we're on top o' the world, but looks deceiving.
Our king is evil. Killing people..a crooked heathen.
Living in the land of riches built by the hands of snitches,
man it sickens me to think of how this villains plan is wicked.
This soldier's heartless, consumed by the cold and darkness.
yet his castle's gold and marked with tapestries of rope, and carpets.
youre an open target against his hordes of horses,
an endless force of swords and torches, across the land he scorches..
so while roof tops touched the clouds hundreds of feet in the air,
in this majestic village.. its people were under grief and dispair..

CopyPat
10-03-2014, 09:47 PM
wow. really impressed with ur verse DD. your wording was crisp as fuck and you laced the multi's and inner rhymes effortlessly. even from just a technical standpoint i think u easily won this. but beyond that, the verse itself content wise painted much more of a picture and told a decently interesting story. i got dove by a LONG shot in this one

inno this didn't seem like your best effort. it felt rushed or not cared about.. maybe the picture just didn't do anything for u but your verse just seemed lackluster.. the rhyming/flow was unimpressive and the story, if there even was supposed to be one, was just weak. almost seemed like u were trying to write a poem or something... just did Not grab my attention at all. dove smoked u on this one

V/ Dove doozy

theMuzzl3
10-03-2014, 10:20 PM
First time voting in AOWL, so my vote may be either ignorant or insightful.

First off, both of the writings were good. I spotted possible misspelled words or improper grammar in both, whether they were used on purpose or not, I do not know… so my voting will not consider this… but my comments might.

Innovator: your lines had me moved. They seemed more to be lyrics to go to a melody, though lack of rhymes clearly states to me that you've got experience in this area. I wasn't sure if "awws" meant "awes", or some acronym that I couldn't easily define.

The ending was extremely moving:


we lip sync even in pause.
paint your self copper.
and let the heavens rain gold
upon medal roof offers-
-salvation's place, cold.
a story sold more than once
its value is lost.
dig these streets with nails in hand
fingers full of rock
butterflies swallow whole hearts
broken legs and two left feet.
hey come on now sing
with me build city sized lyrics;
skyscraper melody.

All of that was extremely good IMO. Especially the cover in copper, heavens rain gold, -salvations place, cold. Its value is lost." But, its hard for me to pick out lines that were my favorite. I think you set the setting with your opening lines and moved onto make your point, which is still vague; but I guess that is (kind of) the point when writing about a picture and making innovative messages constructed.


Over all, I give you an 7/10. My criticisms is that the lines are too short, which may be acceptable to the majority here… it makes it more readable, yet allows you to split up sentences into lines, which do not necessarily construct full sentences (not that thats really an issue, it is slightly for me, but this is poetry). Also, I'd advise to work on over-all structure. One person gave me great advice was to "read your lines backwards after writing them and make them flow backwards as well as forwards", but that was advice given in the battle (rap verses) area… still applicable.



Dove_Dozer -- it seems nearly everyone missed the deadline. Can't blame you for having a life. Even Innovator had edited after midnight. I wish they'd allow extensions... but then everyone would take advantage of that.

As far as your writing goes, I quickly enjoyed counting the lines as 14; seeing "sonnet" in Innovator's post and reading it as"a poem of 14 lines using any mumber of format rhyme schemes, in English typically having ten syllables per line". You met the 14 lines part, which excited me (syllables, bleb, who cares).

After I read and reread your verse, I was thoroughly impressed. I spotted one or teo grammatical errors, which I won't doc you for (ex: villains should be villian's). Your words were very precise -- and you made your point very quickly (I which I would imagine would keep a readers interest, compared to my shit, which goes on and on). Over all, I think you through this together quickly but had thought about it for some time before laying the lines down. Some of the ending lines rhyme, as well, which I know is not a necessity in AOWL… but over-all I give you a 9/10.

/v Dove_Dozer in a close one. It was hard to pick, but it was clear in my mind that DD's lines took the cake.

Three-Planes-Aligned
10-04-2014, 01:46 AM
Innovator - Visually subtle but effective, lots of imagery chained and interlocked building towards the bigger picture. The one thng striking me as slightly annoying is this haughty combination of meter/wording - comes across as poetry and that isn't a compliment coming from me. Overall I liked this piece though, you did a lot with understated brush strokes.

Dove Dozer - Very uneven and jagged. There's actually a handful of lines that achieve a high standard both in terms of coherent, tight wording and hit that smooth spot mechanically. Criminally underdeveloped and fairly basic in the theme department.

Overall I think Innovator was alone to produce a cohesive reading experience (both actually used similar length if you account for formatting) so my vote goes to him - Dove Dozer provided more of a demo.

Split
10-04-2014, 11:33 PM
Didn't really have any criticism for No Good, other than to come with a fully formed verse next time because this was really great.

Innovator. Man, idk how I feel about this.
A handful of instances of really forced ideas and wording. "drag across pawn" being the worst. You jumped around a lot, it seemed little more an exercise in writing pretty without direction. Somehow, despite almost exclusively referencing things depicted in the topic image, I felt way more detached from your verse than No Good's. It is like the difference between describing a scene and bringing it to life. I just wanna see your writing create something, rather than capture aspects of reality. Sketchwork.


If No Good had brought his verse to any sort of a close, he would have won handily. But i cant justify voting for a verse with less than 1/4 of a story

Wanted more from both

v/ inno

Camp Bell
10-04-2014, 11:59 PM
i really didnt care for innovators verse.
well, as far as the actual structure was
shortened to the point, it made it hard
to read for me cuz it made me back
track to catch a flow or rhyme. Dozer
actually had a nice piece here, i really
was kept in it cuz of how well it flowed
and the way he actually incorporated
the picture.

vote: Dozer

Adonis
10-05-2014, 01:21 AM
Inno - different approach for sure. I always enjoy the shortened line length way more then long bar, and I think you did that well enough. The pace was quick as shit, just a fluid stream of thoughts and images. City surroundings, song by thought. I dig the concept, and even though you have a solid verse, didn't truly execute at a high level but rather average. I enjoyed the verse but I can also say that it fell a bit short in the grand scheme of things.


So Good - the flow in this piece was very good. You set a tone and pace with a seamless rhyme scheme and continued that throughout. But, the message was missing in the end. I get what you were going for, king up high in all his majesty, malnourished peasants below. OK concept, but the execution on said concept was poor. Sure I get what you were going for, but that's because you spelled it out in the closing lines instead of having any semblance of build up or, ironically, majestic tones about it.


voting Inno

Dove Dozer
10-05-2014, 10:22 AM
tied so far

Objective
10-05-2014, 03:14 PM
Innovator - Different structure this time around, cool. Trying out different shit, or just went along with something that could fit to the picture because you didn't exactly know which route to take? I'm asking this because I see you describe the picture rather than making a more complete story of some sort. Either way I enjoyed the first 5 sentences well.

After the first 5 sentences it sort of got a little bit worse. The sentences didn't seem to make sense to me. ''ad lib comet surround sound. City in my head about town.'', what? After that it gets progressively better again and I somewhat dig the easy going adjective sprouting shit you come forth with.

Thought the verse as a whole was cool beside of the part I mentioned.

Dove Dozer - Decent intro. I can sense some storytype verse coming along. Mechanically shit was cool, but I would have appreciated the story to be developed a bit more if you're taking this route. I mean, the content of what you were selling wasn't really enough although the rhymescheme was pretty dope and what seems to be the start of something really great.

Vote - Kind of hard to pick one of the two as I feel like this battle is really close. I enjoyed Inno's more abstract take on the topic a lot but it's somewhat hard to understand what he's getting at here and there as certain sentences seems rather incoherent to the message its trying to convey, Dove Dozer got a pretty good flow going and what seems to be a pretty cool start for a story but the story itself is rather underdeveloped. A lot of questions goes un-answered in his.

If I got to which of the two I felt was more solid than the other overall it got to be Dove Dozer. Ye, my vote goes to Dove Dozer.

Pinot Grij
10-06-2014, 01:21 AM
Inno, I was not feeling it. I appreciate you taking a different form and going in a different direction than most pieces with the shorter bars and construction - it just didn't work for me. A lot of your verse seemed to ramble on... I'm following line by line for a pay off rhyme or something and it just never came. Kudos for doing something new, just missed the mark for me.

Dozer, this was pretty middle of the road for me. I liked the rhyme style, but story-wise it didn't really go anywhere... you just kind of described the picture with a bit of backstory. That's cool, and I think it was enough to give you the edge in this battle... but I think going forward you can do more to create a story.

Vote - Dove Dozer

kannon
10-06-2014, 01:21 AM
Inno. This is definitely one way to make a 16 bar verse look like 32 bars haha. Anyways. I'm not sure I really understand the metaphor you're using here. "City sized lyrics" and "skyscraper melody" seems like a made up thing. The schemes in this are almost non-existent for the first half. It reads much more like spoken word, which I guess some people are cool with. I prefer more structure. Okay, I read it again. I'm hoping that what you're going for is that the soundscapes of the city are its own type of melody in your head, yes? That every person has a story, and every breath has a melody. I like it more if that's what you're doing here. Cause I was kinda lost on my first read through. Still, some of the lines felt a bit dry, and flat. But it's pretty okay now haha.

Dove. Shit. I immediately see why this is such a close battle. This was really well written. But it feels completely unfinished. I feel like you could have easily added an additional 20 bars right before the final two. The writing was crisp, the flow was on point, the visuals were great. But something is missing in it. The action. The meat. You've set a beautiful scene, and then turned off the lights. This could have been a much easier vote had you flushed this piece out...

Shit shit shit. At this point, what it comes down to is an abstract concept that may have been ill-developed, verses a beautifully developed beginning to a story that we are missing all of the meat for. Both ended feeling a little incomplete, but for completely different reasons.

I'm going to edge it to Dove Dozer.

Pent uP
10-06-2014, 01:32 AM
Inno - verse felt muddled and forced. Lots of issues with wording. The concept was cool I guess but the feeling of a city based off music didnt spring to life for me. Therr was some strong imagery to begin with but it fell flat by the end.

Dove -- strong opener kind of thing going in....some forced/cliche motifs. Pretty decent display of lyricism and focus for what it is. Overall if lacks substance but excels in mechanics

Vote inno

Certain
10-06-2014, 02:05 AM
Innovator: I like the format switch, which seemed to enhance your rhyme mechanics. This verse had a very cool flow to it, more than just in traditional rap cadence. You seemed to have a really clear idea of the metaphor you were going for here, something tying the sounds of a city into music and nature, but you didn't deliver it clearly or crisply. You built imagery off imagery off imagery, but I never got a clear picture. Still, there are some good phrasing moments here. I liked "chimney orchestra" and "we lip sync even in pause." Tying those together with a firmer thread would do you well.

Dove Dozer: Coming off the short-verse tournament and reading something like 60 verses from that, I really enjoyed this submission. Your rhyming was better than I remembered, and you painted a crisp picture of this kingdom. The fourth line felt out of step, as though you realized you couldn't keep the same pace with rhyming and diction of the first three lines. But my big complaint comes in the final couplet, which felt like a lead-in to a bigger story rather than a conclusion of the soldier's plight. Had you worked in more on that soldier and made the ending about him, this would have been a much stronger verse. Still, I liked it enough to vote for it here.

Vote: Dove Dozer

Defiant
10-06-2014, 04:05 AM
Inno

I dunno I just couldn't get into your verse, I've seen the short line verse thing done before and it works but I just feel I struggled to keep interest in your verse, the story wasnt strong, the flow was good at points tho


Dove

I liked the verse, this woulda been one sided if u completed your verse, no real ending but the verse read real smooth, the last 6 lines were dope I think just wished you continued the verse


Vote dove
It was close but was just connected to his drop

King Ra.
10-06-2014, 05:08 AM
Dove Dozer wins, 8-4.