WRITE WEEK #2

[PancakeBrah]

Topic: "We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time." -T.S. Eliot

Deadline: 11:59 P.M. Pacific, Thursday
16 line max, one entry per person.
Winner receives an accomplishment.
Based on original content, flow, rhyme complexity, and relation to the subject.

[PancakeBrah]

dead man Split Eight Mike Wrecka Genocide namix Vulgar Bags ill nik-A TopicalDood5 Certain Serpent dull boy Void Zombie Method Pryde Rayge Flo Real Storyteller PiE Brian Bryan Shogun Dinero oats Vulgar Coup VERITAS SiK Pinot Grij Adonis
Xnub Rawn M.D. TYSON Mr. J Innovator Plot patrown Pent uP NYCSPITZ Whys Ways
Nigma Rugged
@everyone I forgot

[zygote]

SELF-EXPLORATION EXERCISE: EVERY BLADE OF GRASS IS A DIFFERENT SHADE OF GREEN.

please lift your left hand up and hold it a forty five degree angle next to the screen,

do it now and don’t obstruct your vision because you will still need to read.

just imagine I have a string in my hand, and that it has a small loop at one end.

imagine me placing the string around the tip of your index finger my good friend.

just imagine the feel of that string there, slowly nod your head when you can imagine it being there.

good, and now imagine me starting to lift the string, lifting it Upwards, lifting it Upwards, lifting it into the air.

don’t try to deliberately Move, or not Move your finger, just Allow a feeling of lightness to develop of its own accord.

as the tension in the string Rises pulling it Up, lifting it Up, always lifting Upwards on the cord…

and as it Rises let yourself relax, even deeper. it’s so good to relax, so good to drift further into relaxation with every moment.

now just imagine me Lowering the string again, and as I do so let yourself relax, even deeper, your finger drifting down, you are so relaxed and focused.

[Brian Bryan]

"Life Cycle"


I’m getting older, settling down, maturing by the day
I was never sober, stressing out, but I’m fortunate to say
that I was taught by my mistakes, learned from my mishaps
& not preferring to sit back – I sought a different way...
- I was a pauper given change that turned my life around
not the sort you’re simply paid, but that reaffirms you’re right somehow.
And I deserved this righteous outlet for all the hurt I'd survived
through the fervour & strife encountered on my journey through life.
I felt worthless inside; The joys of parenthood would challenge that
for the good, a natural Dad, who understood that as it stands
he was untouched by happenstance, but would learn for himself
and there was nothing that his dad could do but nurture him well
with a worth of intelligence, caring, and whatever he needs
to further development - Life's cycle tending to be on endless repeat...

[veritas]

Home from work sick....blessed exploration

I remembered adolsecent curiosity, bio chemical fandango
Tingling like my spidey senses, a private party, delectable wang cho
Dial up brought pics....dads mags tood their story so much faster
One time mom almost interupted, filled my mind with nervous laughter.

Today is different. Almost two decades have come and went
No more shower or gym socks whenever my cum is spent
Still functioning properly, other things rising beside the rent
So if you think I would pass up a fap time, homey u got me bent.

Looked down at my man, code named marmaduke
Kids at school wife at work so now I*m armed to shoot
Forgotten what he looked like, so proud amd true, happy to see me now peep the thesis
The best re discovery of self is when a man gets to fall back in love with his penis.

Too soon?

[ill nik-A]

I must’ve been born at an age where I was torn from the page of facts
only warned by the rage when they stormed out the cage & snapped
reformed from a craze attacked by a past of familiarity without clarity
wars assured to storm the earth’s rebirth of the majesty is reality
a parody or similarities? The confusion of time, am I reclusive or blind
blood introduced by this wine, bread is our humanity moved by the mind
& when the two are combined we remind belief & faith to teach us grace
Making us retrieve our hate to achieve the praise we all seek to face
Love is natural, evil is all but factual sequel’s to a past relived on earth
Is it a new world or we uplift our worth? answers are the same as his concern
Do we begin or search? A cycle of rivals & testaments to the bible we ignore
The same patterns we explore with questions atheists took time to restore
Life is onboard, the ties rest assure washed up on a deep sea where proof lies
So is science the blame or the shame to a past which is present as truth pries

[Spoken]

The youth gets by...setting standards to survive,
Pilot; surprise making an endless climb thru the hive.
Troublesome image with cumbersome spinach but ain't no Pirate found,
Living within' corridors that now are bricked with cries protruding from the ground.
.
.
.
He walked the night skies with skyscrapers over shadowing,
Fear with himself and the conscience no help its HE who he's battling.
Stepping over the cobblestone that wobble him a soul w/ no control,
A clone of an individual that scatters waves of spiritual findings in his own home.
The darkness becomes him- autistic but loves it; no two lives the same,
Caution I hope as these shadows hang from a rope guarding what there's to claim.
The reason for treble clef is to meddle less with something beyond reach; insanity
Minority that's scarred deep- leave the souls alone for that's their home w/ no calamity.

[Certain]

I wore baggy jeans with the carpenter strap.
Harnessed my rap in the parking lot back with the hardest of acts.
I'd hardly react when dinner time came. I'd be late.
Never went starving, in fact, my mother saved me a plate.
She was hard on me back then, on my grades and my weight,
not quite calling me fat, but her thoughts were betrayed in her face.
My eyes rolled. She always worried 'bout college or money.
Mostly college and money. She'd research scholarships for me.
But I was 17. There were cigarettes and chronic to smoke.
Girls to poke. Mixtapes to burn. Parties to host.
I'd heartily coast through senior year. It was clear
my future was shifting gears, all while my eye's in the mirror.

I wear black slacks with the crease and a belt.
Decent in wealth but still scheming to ease up my bills.
Work 60 hours a week on the hill. A slave with no break.
But every few months, I head home. She still saves a whole plate.

[Dove Dozer]

everytime it makes me nervous, when I discover myself..
tippin the vodka from the shelf, sayin "here's one to my health"

I'm an alcoholic, chronic smoker, while you can name the plan
to finding the secret of happiness, is finding a grain of sand..

laid in my hand, its there.. but I never knew it existed.
I had everything I ever wanted, but I blew it. it's twisted

I grew up a misfit, I was broke, one you'd call a loser..
fuck him, cause he's a dope smokin alcohol abuser.

I quit for a while, but the habit always followed me back
call it a knack for stringin words together. some Astonishing rap

I kept at it since a child, never knew it'd open the door,
to a hidden talent for writing stories for you folks on the boards..

[Geno]

Vicious cycle spins out of control, the hibernating man climbs out of his hole
Flowers are thrown, the clock towers counting down, there's still hours to go
Cowardly souls cringe at the thought of the end, 2 seconds til all will be dead
The claw has been swept, clenched, church bells ring out to the calling of flesh
Old timers sing songs of a cult being blessed, when laws were already bent
A flaw we'd accept if we had'nt seen a future before, pure, wearing suits of valor
Before hard labor was the usual chore, nd people such as I loved musical stores
S'what the rewind revolution was for, to take us all back to a primitive time
Without rhythm and rhyme, when self descriptions were blind symptoms of crime
Wisdoms were wise, and the prisoners died, no trial, they were simply denied
Back when we were living a lie, and never knew this world would be lethal
Or girls could be equal, the hands on the clock seemed true, sorceries teaspoon
We would purposely lead doom to a person whos peaceful, say fuck it and ride
Til the last tears were cried, and our buckets were high, the cup served us wine
Back when Reverse took its time, we were still traveling on, it hadn't yet dawned
We hadn't lived long, not enogh to know that we would be disasterous, gone

[Vulgar]

Kids play tag knowing full well they're touching predecessors
on a sunken bed of treasures gulping rum with elder shepherds
when the game's on, wear sneakers that light up when they hit asphalt
Mountaineering is a myth at large - real climbing makes a wrist snap off
surreal silence in the riff raff lodge. Children speaking in code
luring easier souls to an island of teething Moreau's
I talked to a wise old man, he referred me to Ares
subscribed to his monthly newsletter, it said:
"you don't become one with the earth until you're buried."
Don't think you're immune to getting fooled, if taboo rules
we're always getting tagged with something in life, it's bad juju
Don't be purist. Or ignorant to the game of cosmic bullshit
peer over the onyx turrets or at the stars merging
as you can see, history repeats itself... "you're it!"

[Mr. J]

Straight out the mystics palm like the gift of God
advanced modern society, my satellite lifted off...
took persistent thought, trial & error, profiling era's
as I sip from the Milky Way creating the tidal of terror
strike from Leviathan's lair, North star the enlightened one's here
took evaluation to evolve, not birthed from another
grew from a beast, to a man, digging earth from the Mother
planting seeds in her soil, spoiled off her circumference
I bent her over to see the dark side, listen here your son's set
no telling where I'm from yet, caught in your Venus flytrap
no guessing where my eye's at, it's a mutiny no denying that
I got my ideas wrapped in a vortex off in a black hole
developing enough retards to put my hawk in, fucking assholes

[oats]

My pen is the Mayflower of thoughts that I wouldn't know
sentenced to wake cowards unconscious in hooded lobes.
bent by the wave's power that tosses it's wooden hull,
but entropy takes hours so odds're it's good to go...
...at least till I hit the shore, ink blots of a bookish hope
but now Plymouth is marked by a significant cost
understanding and awareness for an innocence lost
epiphanies scar my looseleaf with ink-stippled thoughts
simplicity wrought with insecurity, blurred by the thinnest of dots
these precious signature flaws, won't rest a minute to stop
singing the melodies of maladies that Whitman could not
this the dimmest of plots, the struggle to come to terms
with your shadows and still manage to go stumbling undeterred
my pen can't handle another word, so I ask what Walt would do
and sleep in agreement: "I am large (I contain multitudes)"

[Certain]

I'll get this voting started and even break down every verse.

zygote: At a certain point, you're just trolling us with your flow and rhyme scheme. This simply couldn't be called rap, but it was awesome. My finger kept twitching upward. Fuck, you're in my head. This fit the subject in such a creative way. You're thinking miles ahead of the rest of the salmon in the stream.

Brian Bryan: You spent too much of this verse dwelling on metaphors and sort of addressing the topic head-on. The story formed out of nowhere and didn't really go anywhere. I think your ambition exceeded your line limitation.

VERITAS: I thought you sold out with the last line being so direct. I really loved the approach, though. I wish you had upped the lyricism ante a bit, since there were plenty of opportunities for stronger rhymes, particularly internal rhymes. But I thoroughly enjoyed the take.

ill nik-A: Last week, Genocide won with a verse basically decrying evolution. Now you're anti-science, too? I thought this felt unpolished. Some thoughts weren't quite completed, and some wording could have been smoothed out. But you had a lot of interesting thoughts. My biggest criticism is the head-on attack of the topic.

Storyteller: I may be interpretted a few lines incorrectly, but the way I read your verse was one of the sense of being trapped, which seemed sort of counter to the topic. I liked a few of the turns of phrase, but some of the rhymes were tortured. You have a lot of strong thoughts, but they don't always connect.

nO gOoD!: I liked where you went with this verse, but I thought the concept of textceeing as an addiction could have been carried through the verse more. As it stands, the writing is on the simple side, relying on too many straight clichés. But I enjoyed the ending.

Genocide: Your take this week seemed a little too on-the-nose, but you powered through with really strong rhyming and some awesome images and indivdual lines. Those rhymes mostly felt very natural, too, so I give you a lot of props for pulling off that level of complexity. But I think you could have told your narrative more cohesively.

Vulgar: It's always a risk to go abstract for a topical battle, but I thought you pulled this off expertly with all the mixed age references. This was the perfect topic for this type of verse, and your crafting was tight. I didn't like the "as you can see, history repeats itself..." because the tie in between "you're it!" and the beginning of the verse was already pretty obvious. Otherwise, this was another very strong verse. I loved "real climbing makes a wrist snap off."

Mr. J: I was digging your line and wanting to see how you would close it out, then I think the last line just flew right over my head. The flow was cool, and the images worked both metaphorically and literally, which I liked. You've got this natural style that makes your verses buttery but a bit unmemorable, though.

oats: I thought the verse lost a little bit of momentum as it went, but that's only because the opener was ridiculous. Every aspect of those first five lines was great. As I mentioned in Vulgar's writeup, going abstract in topical situations is difficult, but this topic worked. With that said, I thought your verse lacked the clear cohesion with the topic that his had. This is the best verse in this thread, but the topic must be considered.

Vote:

1. zygote
2. Vulgar
3. oats
4. VERITAS
5. Genocide

[Vulgar]

zygote, very original approach to the topic, but I wasn't wholly satisfied by this. You really neglected the rhyme scheme, even though it was interesting.

Brian Bryan, nice work. Not overly exciting but well composed as a short, stand alone piece.

VERITAS, pretty cool approach but I would be lying if I said it was funny. It was one of those vague smirk inducing verses. The build up exceeded the twist IMO.

ill nik-A, I thought your first lines were easily your strongest and wasn't feeling your last bar. I felt like you rushed the ending. You came from a general perspective, one I felt didn't achieve great closure after I finished reading.

Storyteller, this was shaky to me because you were telling a story but then used 'I' in a line towards the middle of the verse. Some parts I warmed up to, others not, i.e. the cumbersome spinach part which felt like an injected rhyme with little cohesion. Your wording still needs work but I'm sure you are more accurate with longer verses.

Certain Serpent, this was my favorite verse so far because of the simple, nostalgic direction you took. Good rhyming and satisfying turnout.

nO gOoD!, dope. I liked this one and how you flipped the topic to something personal and right in our close quarters. Reminded me of Jakki tha Motamouth.

Genocide, time travel right? This was straight, just a bit monotonous from you. I'm used to greater personality, high density. This was thick in texture yet sort of limp. No homo.

Mr. J, first line was fire. The rest was alright. I can't say I really get your last line. Having sex with mother Earth... cool. But retards?

oats, much like a wandering pilgrim I'm not entirely sure you found a home with this one. The language was nice but the "point" of it seemed hollow. Is that a quote from Whitman at the end? This was sweet like yogurt but I guess I was in the mood for chips.

Vote:

1. nO goOd!
2. Certain Serpent
3. Brian Bryan
4. ill nik-A
5. zygote

[Split]

oats - dope wording throughout. I think your loaded your metaphor with more emotion than it could hold afloat, seemed a little artificial/superfluous towards the end. Introduced more than your verse could justify. I did really like your approach but you needed more lines to deliver. Some really tuff imagery

Mr. J - wow you really have some sharp rhymes there. Almost imagined Mick Jenkins spitting this. More broken up than I'm used to and some clumsy imagery that didnt quite drive a point home for me

Vulgar - onyx turrets is surreal. really visceral writing. you really captured the essence of seemingly one-way cyclical nature. dropped plenty of hints, but hindsight= blindside. Cool.

Genocide - the flaw we'd accept/ future line was dirt nasty. liked the picture you painted, very very Majora's Mask. thought your rhymes got simple toward the end and your wording was a little rough, but dope take on the topic. felt unforced.

nO gOoD! - straightforward but also a personal connection to the topic that makes a lot of sense. Mad coherent. Didnt like "grain of sand in my hand" idea, thought u coulda said that a lot stronger. Flow was on point. When I went back and read it again I saw how nicely everything fit together. Enjoyed a lot

Certain Serpent- similar to no good! (I guess yours technically came first) but some parts seem throwaway. "Hardest of acts" and eye in the mirror metaphor missed for me. Interesting reflection between what your mom saw for you and then what you'd become, and then what you thought your mom saw in yourself and how you misinterpreted that, and then how that whole sentence compares to wht you were actually doing. Tied in medium strongly to the quote but there is a lot of inter-connectivity I liked, not the strongest wording in this case but it was good enough. Rhymed well.

Storyteller - tons of juxtaposition. hurt you in some places and helped you in others. Really caught on to what you were saying to the most part, about having to find yourself having just grown up, having to help these kids grow up and realizing that you were so focused on yourself that you never saw how your parents did it. Realizing that focusing on yourself, isn't really focusing on yourself in a backwards way. Now you gotta grow up as a grown up. A lot of your imagery/ figurative language still completely escapes me as to what you're saying, or seems like you're burying something that you could just come out and show. Nonetheless in the heart of your verse I saw an excellent representation f the topic.

ill nik-A -this has a massive scope. you used every word well, but at the same time you absolutely had to to tackle the topic the way you did. Feel like you switched subjects or didnt have a clear focus. You did more tell than show and skimmed across an ocean of ideas. Think ur making the reader do more work to pull meaning out is always risky, I like your verses better when they personal. Good mechanics.

VERITAS lol. cheap humor, mostly awkward. Decent rhyming. You did what you set out to write, which is better than reaching too hard and falling obviously short

Brian Bryan - the wording to me here is kinda weird, csught myself doing double takes to work out a few parts. Flow was dope. Thought it was a pretty shallow/ hollow verse tho, no hate.

zygote - okay I get it, that when you stop searching for the sake of searching and instead do something you might think is purposeless, you'll feel empty and fulfilled, and this empty and fulfilled is all that you've been finding in your looking and couldn't explain why.
Conceptually really good and creative, didnt like how you strung it together. Wasnt quite casually rhyming but also wasnt smooth without trying to rhyme. Awkward in between state.


1. nO gOoD!
2. Vulgar
3. Certain Serpent
4. Genocide
5. Veritas

[Spoken]

I ain't gonna do a bring and whole breakdown after re-reading I have changed my mind

1. nO GoOD!
2. Ill Nika
3. Vulgar
4. Genocide
5. Certain Serpent

[oats]

PancakeBrah we should tally and move on