WK2 : Patrown(0-0) vs. Unborn(0-0) [UnbornBuddha wins, 5-0.]

[timeless]

Verses will be due Thursday Oct. 9th at 11:59 p.m. Western / 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. There are no Extensions. No Exceptions.

Verses must be a minimum of 10 Lines and maximum of 48 Lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by both competitors.

Votes will be due Sundays at 11:59 p.m. Western / 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK .

View Other Rules Here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=96884)

Goodluck asylum UnbornBuddha

Topic - “Sane is rich and powerful; Insane is wrong and poor and weak. The rich are free, the poor put in cages.”

[UnbornBuddha]

A devoted monk named Angulima, who was once a killer, and a powerful Aristocrat named Pennyworth, who once renounced the world as a Bishop, met by coincidence and discussed the high and low matters of everyday beliefs and ideas that permeate our existence.

Aunglimala: Do you know Siddhartha, the universal author of numerous cosmos?
The Aristocrat answers with a humorous comment belittling the astuteness of martyrs.
"None of these martyrs could prevent their mother’s uterine cancer. Most are cheats too, few are masters.
Those who did tell the truth are sharper, yet even their wisdom only served the purpose of devising funeral gospels.
True power is a beautiful automobile or a priceless stone with a high mineral content".

Aunglimala: Are such substances powerful enough to engulf the pneumo involved in Lucifer’s stomachs,
Or halt with just a finger a gargantuan universe comet?
Pennyworth: Your Buddha meets Kafka when he chronicles canonical Pseudepigrapha
Pseudo concoctions which sustains itself on ghoulish consumption,
Hence why I call all religious psychobabble mutant productions.
No god can offer me tumor protection nor can it soothe my autoimmune condition.
I too once sought to prove my companionship to the father but became disillusioned by sickness,
Immobilized by Crohns and paralyzed by having lost two of my appendages
My bodily tissues had become like a broken music contraption
With strings which cannot be tuned or fixed with a new part construction.
You see monk I understood the compendium to be a cruel conception of fools attempting to rule with convention.
So I rebelled from the holy life and became a super villain ruthlessly sinning, thus fruitlessly winning"

Aunglimala peering into his intestines and viscera through his connection with his mind’s eye said to the wounded bishop
“You sir accrue a collection of chronic parasites in your gut which make your brain think a superior than thy human emotion.
Use this potion, recover, and continue your devotion. Fate, both genetic and karmic, will soon be pursued and tortured”.
Pennyworth:
Ha! Such stupid notions, are you trying to push my buttons, with the muscle I've attained through faith I’ll crush your skull in.
In case you haven’t noticed, I’m surrounded by madmen who act like swordsmen yet their motives are murder.
Guards kill him NOW and show him no mercy!
Yet before Aunglima was struck he exploded into lotuses and worm feed.
Now Pennyworth knew the worth of a penny was both glorious and a burden,
Yet he chose his omen fate for the burning need to owe no one a favor.
The evil noble knew the insane terms of what he attained- his next life he was due slave work.
A peaceful life was lived, but when he was dissected the parasites were there waiting as data
They had built a colony based on fat, an amazing creation that awed the autopsy maniacs;
Mechanics of the dead, lobotomy brainacs, who went into the brain of this man and found parasites there too.
The eyes he used to see were covered as well with various kinds of Gu>>> (蠱)<<<< Chinese for worms…
My fellow readers this is not a plead so you can heed the church,
Nor is it a story to read, observe, or learn from,
Rather it’s more of a request to breathe the words, and see what lurks inside your inner world.


Now in case your wondering who was the losing contestant?
No one they both willingly knew no competence.
Why? Because the truth is relative to how much doom is medicine.

On another note,
This topical theme displays the cruelness of the world to poor folks;
Divine philosophical debate is foolishness that mortals adore so.
The mind astrologically creates the blueprint of the world the lord wrote.
Spirit guides are psychotically deranged humans with neurons that absorb cortisol
They’ve historically had abnormally low dopamine levels due to knowingly furthering protocols
In which their earthly soul becomes as tar black as burning coal.
The pain of contrasting between rich and poor is part of the hallucinate stage
A state before the cogitate plane where you can ruminate a space less place in luminous grace…
To trip on duality forever without awakening is to cultivate dubious tastes.
The rubric of humanity’s tussle with insanity’s puzzle is a rubix cube that waits…

Tick tock…tick tock… who will solve this feudal game with no past futile saves to continue the way?
Dang, this bizarre topic makes me mentally have a sanity struggle!

[patrown]

the streets were dark and quiet, from the vantage of shanes swollen eyelids,
a hint of self loathing mixed with molten spite in..
a complexion worn down by mounds of brown he'd shriveled his veins with,
going insane in plain view, one passer by he'd named blue for his suit,
stopped in his usual route and mused, "hey friend, tired of the pavement?"
went on to explain his proposal, this arrangement,
he'd claimed to have been alone for so long he needed a house pet,
Shane raised an eyebrow.. knew he hadn't been able to dry out yet,
so he took the first chance he'd been given since livin in the streets,
and in a king size bed and warm clothes he kicked and screamed,
soon, Blue stripped the fiend of his problems, dissolved the revolving door,
between the jails, prisons, padded walls and cold asylum floors,
and the world he implored him to explore, but Shane dithered and fumed,
withering to the tune of blue's logic and reason,
he only wanted to stay warm since it pleased him,
and wouldn't do a single thing on his own, no achievements,
no goals or things to believe in,
so blue strangled Shane with his favorite tie and relieved him.

[Vulgar]

UnBornBuddha - Crisp transitioning with the dialogue, and you also provided a neutral middle-ground for the reader to make their decisions as to which side was correct. One constructive criticism I have for your take is how the rhyme scheme sometimes takes focus off of the content. You go for ambitious campaigns through multiple rhymes which often aren't wholly accurate. You add assonance where there maybe shouldn't be a protrusion in the road - for the purpose of entrenchment. It was a pulpy read, but nonetheless a good one. I liked the uniqueness of your take. I'm neutral on how you mentioned the topic, some view it as a copout or a slight surrender, like acknowledging the camera crew in a movie for a few scenes. I think you're improving at your all around game.

patrown - lol as soon as you said Blue I imagined a homeless guy in a dirty navy blue suit. I read on and found out it was the rich man instead. This verse suffered from underdevelopment. I would've liked to see conversations between the two men, maybe a last ditch effort from the rich man, and when refused, his elitist views come into the picture more and more clearly. I liked the twist because it's unlikely, and life is usually like that. I think if you placed emphasis on the development of key areas of this piece, it would've succeeded on those crucial levels.

My vote goes to UnBornBuddha.

[Certain]

(I deleted my original vote so that this thread could be bumped back to the top.)

UnbornBuddha: I felt quite locked in to your verse during the conversation between the monk and aristocrat. Then you had the monk burst apart out of nowhere, which was a strange turn of events. I liked the way you shifted speaking styles for each character, and some of the rhyming was very good. You definitely stretched lines, and I thought you could have presented the dialogue in a more reader-friendly format and cut some of the explainers down a bit. We saw the duality of the topic and were forced to make our own judgments. There was a bit of stiffness, particularly in the non-dialogue asides. I think you can cut out a lot of your verbosity. It's tough for me to say no one speaks like that because it's presumed your characters are from an entire different culture, but the terseness was straining at times. Still, I liked the story part. But then you kept going, as though you simply had so many more things to say about this topic that you couldn't contain yourself to the interesting, albeit occasionally hard to follow and overwrought, story that you already had provided. Now, I'm not against breaking the wall and discussing the topic at hand; I've done it a few times in the past. But doing so here lessened the impact of the story, especially since you stepped outside of it without the goal of providing more context but rather wanted to explore other angles. More than anything, that seemed to be a sign of your inexperience. The topic should serve as a guideline and driving force for your verse, but your verse does not have to entangle itself with every small nuance of the topic every single time. Finding an approach and commiting to it often makes for a better read. None of that is to say that I judged you harshly for including those final 12 lines. But it's something to think about.

patrown: The use of the phrase "house pet" had me thinking this was going in a very, very different direction. Basically, though, Blue was a rich kid who needed sort of a project, more than a pet, and took Shane under his wings with the goal of civilizing him, but it failed. That's a pretty nice take on this topic, and you wrote it very well. This was immaculately smooth, both in cadence and diction. The rhyming buoyed the story along, and there were some very nice turns of phrase. I really liked the "dissolved the revolving door" and "cold asylum floors" rhyme as well as concept. You quickly added another layer to Shane's struggle through a nice metaphor followed by imagery. Where I had a bit of a problem is that he story sort of started to fall apart after that, as though you lost interest. The showing turned to telling as Shane's life as Blue's friend melted away, which is a shame. I love that last line so much, too. It's such a great twist on this homeless drug user getting taken in and made comfortable enough that he has his own favorite tie. This battle is tough to vote on because UnbornBuddha went about three paces too long while you went about three too short. But what costs you here is that your story wasn't as fleshed out as it needed to be to top his thought provocation. I could see this one going either way, for sure.

Vote: UnbornBuddha

[Adonis]

Buddha up 2-0

[Frank]

Vote: Unborn Buddha

Overall effort, execution, & everything else was a step up from his opponent. Pat could've out rhymed his opponent but instead chose not to, neglecting the chance to capitalize on his only opportunity of obtaining a W in the win column here. Unborn Buddhas 'verse' read more like a 'scroll' to me. There were a few instances where Unborn Buddha displayed a good grasp of syllabication, and strung together a few strings of compelling rhymes. Though, the majority was written in a strange format that, although I found interesting, wasn't especially impressive, in this outlets context. The content was dope though, really thought provoking entry with great vocabulary. The structure was sub par, to say the least though. I can't really put a finger on this piece, you as a character, or the impact you will have yet, but I can honestly say, I will be watching and look forward to your progression. You actually remind me of a young Zygote. (whom I've beaten numerous times) As for Patrown; all I can say is: Try to go 40 lines for once in your life.

[theMuzzl3]

UnbornBuddha:

I like you used Eastern religious philosophy in your post. I had to use google to define a few Names and words. I still could not figure out who Pennyworth is. Your vocabulary is superb. Your frost parts with the conversations and story about Aunglimala and Pennyworth were fun to read, but lacked structure and rhymes. I was about to /v Patrown but after your last two stanzas, I found structure; and the story tied together more so in your own words than in conversations between characters and a story line.

My advice would be to shorten it up. Too many lines had me bored and wanting to just skim it over to get the vote done quickly.


Patrown:

Decent flow of lines, but after reading your previous rhymes, it seems you either have rust or put little time into this. The line "and the world he implored him to explore, but Shane dithered and fumed" confused me. I don't vote on English corrections, but I think that sentence was correct; nonetheless you had run on sentences and too many commas. Semicolons, colons, and periods would help with that.

The story line was good, and the fact that it was short made it very readable. I was just confused at times, when the word "he" was used, I had to decide for myself wither it was Shane or the other guy… or Blue. Also "one passer by" may or may not have been a type-o. The flow of it went well, when I read it fast and to a beat. Not everything rhymed but some things "almost rhymed", and I like that style.

My advice would be to put more time into it and make it slightly longer, with more content and slightly more structure. It feels like you are capable of all of that, but that the time restraint got to you.


This was a close one, and sorry Patrown, but:
/v UnbornBuddha

[King Ra.]

Nice to see you back at it, patrown. As usual a short story that packs a lot of content and reads very smoothly. But like many short pieces you've done, which are so well written, a lot of times they don't hold up well against much longer scripts, like here against your opponent, Unborn. Unborn, you have an interesting way of writing, which may come off a little bit too drawn out, and maybe even, especially in a competitive setting such as the AOWL, very obscure and long winded. I liked the overall concept of your story. You could have easily done away with the last part which simply is unnecessary. The story alone was pretty good enough and that ending stanza just seemed like extra. In comparison to patrown though, I felt you had a bit more depth. Pat could have used a bit more meat because it seemed like a quick short story that goes straight to the point and skips some of the finer details.


MVGT: UnbornBuddha. Good job by both competitors.

[King Ra.]

UnbornBuddha wins, 5-0.