Netcees - WEEK TEN: OBJECTIVE 3-5 vs BAD LIEUTENANT 2-0 OBJECTIVE WINS

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- - WEEK TEN: OBJECTIVE 3-5 vs BAD LIEUTENANT 2-0 OBJECTIVE WINS (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=147234)

WEEK TEN: OBJECTIVE 3-5 vs BAD LIEUTENANT 2-0 OBJECTIVE WINS

AOWL Season IX FINAL WEEK

@Objective @Bad Lieutenant

VERSES DUE: SATURDAY FEBRUARY 20th @ 11:59PM EST

Line min: 10

Max: 60

Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:
https://i.ibb.co/bsPxbhd/1-FCE7-BD3-...EA88-F2-BC.jpg

The Forgotten Ancient Norse Goddess, and Queen of the Valkyries: The all-seeing "Nightsurfer"

You might not have heard of her,
but you've seen her surf
on meteorites across the earths curviture.

SHE'S the symbolic being of the Valkyries collective voice,
serves the crescent moon and stars with effective poise.
Born in turmoil, raised by strength and fed on callous wrath,
her digsted soul's the source of ancient dread living in its aftermath.

Caged with feelings
and an earnest thirst to be what universes need...
Every sin you dealt she felt inside her being,
but certain men just nurse from greed
and then she's bleeding...
It IS important you don't lose your purpose,
or think it's worthless doing earth some deeds,
cus Hell to her is not her worst of service.
(It just makes you nervous)
Try eternal non-existence from her screams of pain!
Her grudge stems from nocturnal wails
(the cost of YOUR fails!)
that slits her wrists with flames.

This Goddess traded mark of Cain with darkness' shade,
soaring through the sky on blades of fate to carve its way.
She harvest knowledge, hope and dreams from father time,
then targets poets, popes and kings to alter minds.
She falter blind behind societies wishes with her close to omni presence.
do not mistake this deity as vicious.
Just a divine sincere, I must be clear I do fear her talent,
everything in its essence and due violence.
That's cus humans broke and she is fair and balanced.
She won't stay silenced nor slay us,
so, this goddess won't orbit folks' wits to hoard control,
this isn't chaos, no...
She just hands over the truth and hope her kind impressions
leave collective minds with the important find of life's lessons.
It's also how she deduce when Death in battle will take its men,
(it's hushed, but he's her crush!)
and who she'll mourn before they're sworn to raise again.

The sun itself hides from her might and burn in turn,
the stars she leave behind are lost souls out of time.
(Most must go, just be your prime)
Lights entity trusts this goddess with milky ways wine,
and gave powerful shrines that shine to be used as urns
for those she won't heal-whose fate has been sealed;
The absolute end of the line.
What Nightsurfer creates equate the future we hope will hold till' morning,
even Mother earth is our surfers curse:
always keeping her aligned to serve its' constant mourning.
To be alive herself it's said humans need a loving healthy form,
now you know the truth of life in which that you are born; in turn her burdened inner storm.

Next time you see open spots on starry skies...
Make sure you won't deserve her list
of names she's locked and carried by,
and aim to be the seedling
that she's holding tight.

Maybe then you'll be alright.

From an honest bloke to you:
I hope this scope ain't new,
and that you're sleeping
well tonight.

She takes a journey to the skies
In search of a wish she admires
She creates a plan
With courage, and
It's set in motion
She takes off without caution
Grabs it within
She achieves a win
A great dream she desired
A reality she acquired

I'm not going to go into too much detail on this vote, for obvious reasons.

I think Objective took this easily, as Lieutenant's appears to be a quick and simple keystyle.

Objective:
Thought you developed the female goddess character pretty well. Few spots didn't rhyme, or had non-traditional rhyming style. I guess that's okay. Might have hurt you if you were up against a great verse. But not here. Didn't like the ending. Thought you could do without it. It's overly simple and is like you speaking to the audience, as opposed to the rest of it which is you describing her.

Objective takes this one. It seems as though Lt. did not have any time to produce a verse. Objective taight people a history lesson with a story the many are unfamiliar with (especially me), cool little bio about the Nightsurfer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Objective (Post 800832)

The Forgotten Ancient Norse Goddess, and Queen of the Valkyries: The all-seeing "Nightsurfer"

You might not have heard of her,
but you've seen her surf
on meteorites across the earths curviture.
nice opening. digging the flow

SHE'S the symbolic being of the Valkyries collective voice,
serves the crescent moon and stars with effective poise.
Born in turmoil, raised by strength and fed on callous wrath,
her digsted soul's the source of ancient dread living in its aftermath.
rhyming is good but some of the syllable counts are off. could have tightened up wording towards the end. good setup for the story

Caged with feelings
and an earnest thirst to be what universes need...
Every sin you dealt she felt inside her being,
but certain men just nurse from greed
and then she's bleeding...
It IS important you don't lose your purpose,
or think it's worthless doing earth some deeds,
cus Hell to her is not her worst of service.
(It just makes you nervous)
Try eternal non-existence from her screams of pain!
Her grudge stems from nocturnal wails
(the cost of YOUR fails!)
that slits her wrists with flames.
liked the rhyme scheme here, showing off some technical chops

This Goddess traded mark of Cain with darkness' shade,
soaring through the sky on blades of fate to carve its way.
She harvest knowledge, hope and dreams from father time,
then targets poets, popes and kings to alter minds.
this is nice
She falter blind behind societies wishes with her close to omni presence.
do not mistake this deity as vicious.
Just a divine sincere, I must be clear I do fear her talent,
everything in its essence and due violence.
That's cus humans broke and she is fair and balanced.
She won't stay silenced nor slay us,
so, this goddess won't orbit folks' wits to hoard control,
this isn't chaos, no...
rhyming got a little choppy in here. this section doesn't feel like it develops the verse enough
She just hands over the truth and hope her kind impressions
leave collective minds with the important find of life's lessons.
It's also how she deduce when Death in battle will take its men,
(it's hushed, but he's her crush!)
and who she'll mourn before they're sworn to raise again.
interesting idea. would have liked to see you use this for more character development

The sun itself hides from her might and burn in turn,
the stars she leave behind are lost souls out of time.
(Most must go, just be your prime)
Lights entity trusts this goddess with milky ways wine,
nice tie ins. cool imagery.
and gave powerful shrines that shine to be used as urns
for those she won't heal-whose fate has been sealed;
The absolute end of the line.
What Nightsurfer creates equate the future we hope will hold till' morning,
even Mother earth is our surfers curse:
always keeping her aligned to serve its' constant mourning.
To be alive herself it's said humans need a loving healthy form,
now you know the truth of life in which that you are born; in turn her burdened inner storm.
this section slowed things down again for me

Next time you see open spots on starry skies...
Make sure you won't deserve her list
of names she's locked and carried by,
and aim to be the seedling
that she's holding tight.
nice metaphor

Maybe then you'll be alright.

From an honest bloke to you:
I hope this scope ain't new,
and that you're sleeping
well tonight.
didnt really like the ending

This is a nice verse. I especially liked the first half, great rhyming and you had some cool ideas. Feel like it slowed down a bit as the verse progressed but still a good read.

Vote: Objective Obviously