[Cashius]

Originally Posted by namix

Utmost

Ura Decrepid fuck, powder abuser vetted smuck; so keep clutchin ya fables
my white lie is sayin Niks good, Ur White Lie is cut on the table.. ready to stuff in ya nasal
----First of all...I'm digging the multi's. In my opinion, EVERYONE should be using multi's. at the very least at the end of lines, preferably with some internals. If anyone on the team doesn't know what I'm talking about let me know. They obviously have nothing to do w/ the actual punch but it shows you have some talent. As far as this bar..."white lie is cut on the table" is disconnected. Unless I'm missing some cocaine slang or something...I see what you were TRYING to do, but it was just too forced for my liking.



I'll leave u limbless n sloppy, Take YOU as a Souvenir from my binge wit the shotty
& since I Hail from Parts Unknown, it also explains why the police are missin ya body
-----I thought this was kind of clever. Again, I liked the multis. The punch didn't have a ton of impact because it was a general concept that could be used against anyone, but I thought it was still pretty cool.



Neigh SHIT on you the instant ya provided a pic; now Im pipin ya chick til her hymen just splits
So dont make this a pissing contest...Cos whether its AOB or ya girl; they just say "UT, I. is a bitch"
----This is over my head...I know what a UTI is, but I don't get the wordplay....If you explain it to me I will comment.



young muscle turned father time into completely flab, since that coke habit was deletin fat
I'd say Age hasnt been kind to you Nik, but its more like Age hauled off and beat THAT ASS!!!
-----This was ok, a bit simple. I think this would have had more impact if you went a little farther than just "beat that ass"....It's not that age hasn't been kind to you...more like it slit your wrists and pushed you down some stairs..or something more extreme. Either way it's going to be a simple concept, I just think it could be tweaked to hit harder.



Nigga ya done
If u a soldier, thats quite the claim; set an ambush n suprise you wit blades
slice up ya frame..then send u to ur group home just to make sure this L derives in pain
------I'm guessing L derives = elder arrives? If not, let me know. If it is, then I think that's forced. If you're going to use wordplay it needs to sound the same when you say it both ways. Elder arrives has an extra syllable that stands out. Even if the wordplay was smoother, there's not much of a punch there.

I DEFINITELY think you have potential. You just need a little polish. You've got a solid structure and some creative ideas. I think you need to focus on making your punches have a little bit more impact. Look at each of your concepts and think, will this hurt my opponents feelings? Because that's the whole point of this...make the other person feel stupid while being as creative as possible.

Let me know how I can help.