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namix · 02-11-2013, 05:50 PM

@Utmost

Approach:
- overall assessment, how I 'felt' after reading it
- line-by-line, how i felt as i was reading it
- detailed examples, 2 specific detailed breakdowns to demonstrate the opportunity
- takeaways, primary opportunities as I saw them

Overall:
--=]> liked your steeze overall - liked your to-the-point punches more than the complicated ones, which at times seemed a bit contrived. GREAT flow throughout, solid appreciation for multi's. The "out of left field" lines don't need work, you sound creative enough in the other lines that you should be able to drop them all together, and repurpose your creativity and those 'out of left field' lines so they appeal to a broader audience.

Breakdown
Ura Decrepid fuck, powder abuser vetted smuck; so keep clutchin ya fables
my white lie is sayin Niks good, Ur White Lie is cut on the table.. ready to stuff in ya nasal
--=]> incorporating the wordplay into the sentence so it reads both ways would make it that much more effective... that word "is" 'is' all that inhibits it, check how the simple tweak works better both ways: "ur white lie...on a table - cut and ready to stuff in ya nasal"

quick trick: you can use contractions to your advantage with wordplay - since you are saying "is" in both cases.

"my white lie's sayin Niks good, ur white lie's on the table, cut 'n ready to stuff in ya nasal
(also notice how i moved the word 'cut' to bring more relevance to "lie" in terms of lying down, while still keeping it in the line to reinforce the wordplay - noting that it breaks up the 5-syllabic rhyme, it still flows smooth)

does that make sense bro?

I'll leave u limbless n sloppy, Take YOU as a Souvenir from my binge wit the shotty
& since I Hail from Parts Unknown, it also explains why the police are missin ya body
--=]> great flow btw. what was the relevance of the capitalization of "Hail"? solid punch in general, to the point and effective.

Neigh SHIT on you the instant ya provided a pic; now Im pipin ya chick til her hymen just splits
So dont make this a pissing contest...Cos whether its AOB or ya girl; they just say "UT, I. is a bitch"
--=]> must be missing something... but even if i am man, this one is a throw-away - we need to make it resonate for a wider audience, whereas this one comes off like a very forced personal or something.

young muscle turned father time into completely flab, since that coke habit was deletin fat
I'd say Age hasnt been kind to you Nik, but its more like Age hauled off and beat THAT ASS!!!
--=]> lol.

Nigga ya done
If u a soldier, thats quite the claim; set an ambush n suprise you wit blades
slice up ya frame..then send u to ur group home just to make sure this L derives in pain
--=]> not sure what your getting at with this one bro...

Detailed Example
your flow was consistently smooth. nice shit, good attention to multis.

your hits were strong in a moment, then came off a bit contrived/forced bro.... went back and forth - some really good potential -- i was the master of 'way too complicated wordplay' at times in the day though man, and i think that a couple lines in there just stood out as not standing up to others in your verse.

My detailed example was in-line (pun intended i guess lol), with the white lies example - that was the best example of something 'good' that could be made even better. I thought your other hits ranged from 'to-the-point' to just a bit too complicated to deliver effectively (or would require some additional context and rewording/incorporation of the wordplay). The two examples are the pissing contest line and the L line (unless there wasnt anything more to that line - maybe there wasnt).

Takeaways

1. Wordplay Integrity
- working it into the line, good concepts, just making sure it sounds right and clear in either direction can take good lines the next step.

2. Simply Complex
- as mentioned, there are a couple lines which clearly require too much explanation - just think about the audience, and how the average 'experienced battler with some exposure to AOB but not a lot" would read a line - you are a good enough writer to make it work, but I feel like you worked too hard to make a couple lines work in this one.

Liked your flow, and your 'to the point' punches - stood out the most, liked your steeze overall...

Hope this helped brotha, let me know your thoughts or if you have any questions.

02-11-2013, 05:50 PM	#5
namix been that, done there. Join Date: Jun 2001 Posts: 2,260 Battle Record: 2-1 Accomplishments - OM HOF Rep Power: 85246652	Breakdown & Build-up @Utmost Approach: - overall assessment, how I 'felt' after reading it - line-by-line, how i felt as i was reading it - detailed examples, 2 specific detailed breakdowns to demonstrate the opportunity - takeaways, primary opportunities as I saw them Overall: --=]> liked your steeze overall - liked your to-the-point punches more than the complicated ones, which at times seemed a bit contrived. GREAT flow throughout, solid appreciation for multi's. The "out of left field" lines don't need work, you sound creative enough in the other lines that you should be able to drop them all together, and repurpose your creativity and those 'out of left field' lines so they appeal to a broader audience. Breakdown Ura Decrepid fuck, powder abuser vetted smuck; so keep clutchin ya fables my white lie is sayin Niks good, Ur White Lie is cut on the table.. ready to stuff in ya nasal --=]> incorporating the wordplay into the sentence so it reads both ways would make it that much more effective... that word "is" 'is' all that inhibits it, check how the simple tweak works better both ways: "ur white lie...on a table - cut and ready to stuff in ya nasal" quick trick: you can use contractions to your advantage with wordplay - since you are saying "is" in both cases. "my white lie's sayin Niks good, ur white lie's on the table, cut 'n ready to stuff in ya nasal (also notice how i moved the word 'cut' to bring more relevance to "lie" in terms of lying down, while still keeping it in the line to reinforce the wordplay - noting that it breaks up the 5-syllabic rhyme, it still flows smooth) does that make sense bro? I'll leave u limbless n sloppy, Take YOU as a Souvenir from my binge wit the shotty & since I Hail from Parts Unknown, it also explains why the police are missin ya body --=]> great flow btw. what was the relevance of the capitalization of "Hail"? solid punch in general, to the point and effective. Neigh SHIT on you the instant ya provided a pic; now Im pipin ya chick til her hymen just splits So dont make this a pissing contest...Cos whether its AOB or ya girl; they just say "UT, I. is a bitch" --=]> must be missing something... but even if i am man, this one is a throw-away - we need to make it resonate for a wider audience, whereas this one comes off like a very forced personal or something. young muscle turned father time into completely flab, since that coke habit was deletin fat I'd say Age hasnt been kind to you Nik, but its more like Age hauled off and beat THAT ASS!!! --=]> lol. Nigga ya done If u a soldier, thats quite the claim; set an ambush n suprise you wit blades slice up ya frame..then send u to ur group home just to make sure this L derives in pain --=]> not sure what your getting at with this one bro... Detailed Example your flow was consistently smooth. nice shit, good attention to multis. your hits were strong in a moment, then came off a bit contrived/forced bro.... went back and forth - some really good potential -- i was the master of 'way too complicated wordplay' at times in the day though man, and i think that a couple lines in there just stood out as not standing up to others in your verse. My detailed example was in-line (pun intended i guess lol), with the white lies example - that was the best example of something 'good' that could be made even better. I thought your other hits ranged from 'to-the-point' to just a bit too complicated to deliver effectively (or would require some additional context and rewording/incorporation of the wordplay). The two examples are the pissing contest line and the L line (unless there wasnt anything more to that line - maybe there wasnt). Takeaways 1. Wordplay Integrity - working it into the line, good concepts, just making sure it sounds right and clear in either direction can take good lines the next step. 2. Simply Complex - as mentioned, there are a couple lines which clearly require too much explanation - just think about the audience, and how the average 'experienced battler with some exposure to AOB but not a lot" would read a line - you are a good enough writer to make it work, but I feel like you worked too hard to make a couple lines work in this one. Liked your flow, and your 'to the point' punches - stood out the most, liked your steeze overall... Hope this helped brotha, let me know your thoughts or if you have any questions.