[Coup]

CB-

im looking through diagrams, hoping to find my niche
trying to figure how to revive life when the desire ends
the mad scientist, a dude who could never find a friend
...cuz death is a violent trend we dont have time to pick
my design was this; a helmet with tubes for lightning hits
a supply of tricks should suffice when i add the diagnostics
two optical eye socket's, that dwells within ya minds options
once i'm helped in this suit and the bionics switch, i'll defy logic

I read this out loud and I really like the way it sounded, for real. Smooth little description of the pic..."lighting hits" I felt that fam. I approve the mad scientist theme and the description of his creation and the hints you gave of his personality... and story arch or problems/obsticles you established here. A lot going on and you did it gracefully.

you broke the 4th wall with this line...

ok, who's doing the dime dropping, im getting off my writing topic
where was i? oh, my entire knowledge was used as a hired object

What did this add ? (nothing)

It's your second half that really falls of a promising start.

1. He's a crime stopper now ?
2. Who are the lying cowards ?
3 Escape ? You were a captive ?
4. Titans ?

Those questions really needed to be answered and you did not establish the precepts for them in the verse and they just stood out to me. Call it nit picking if you want...

Also it seem a few lines did not even rhyme...not sure if it's an accent thing or a language thing.

Overall a enjoyable verse dispite my nagging ...I liked the sharp angles and lines of this, the to the point word placments...complimented the picture very well. Nice drop friend, indeed, indeed.


MW-

You leaned heavily, if not entirely on the Star Wars Phantom Menace and the horrible prequel movies. That pic don't look like vadar man! Tho, close enough lol

This was some very crafty and complete story arch progression and development...and with slightly basic rhymes (who cares really) normally I'd say well done. It's hard to give props when this plot is not yours though and not original to your mind catalyst ...you just rehashed or summed the plot up, which takes a bit of efficiency and real skill (props to that bro) but not too difficult.while you told it well. all in all good job man. next time I want to see what you got, i know it's in you...baised on your strong showing last week (my VOTW).

Good battle guys.


vote - camp bell