haha this is great.
Let me start off with split. I really don't think split could have came better, though in my dream he came way better, probably cause I was writing for him, because well it's my dream, anyway, my dream didn't really pan out the way his writing did, but it's still stellar. Also, for the record, in my dream split 8 wasn't battling veritas, I think it was zygote? lol @ you think I remember the actual opponents. Anyway.
Such a fine verse, split. You're really showing...hmmm pizzazz. It's cool. Nothing really extraordinary (from both writers) Though, I have to say, TMA's last line was a very great image, and I was waiting for the finale, and that was it. Which was great. Let me ask you this, why start off a verse with such detailed enriched...wording, then start to fall off towards the most important part?! That was a downer. I do this, too, though. In my verse, I corrected it about 6-7 times (moderators,admins can see this I think) and you can see the switches I made. I don't remember, but I advise @
namix @
PancakeBrah @
Certain ? To look at the switches I made, not to actually read the verse, but the way a rough draft, can actually be shined up and polished to achieve a better verse. I feel TMA did just this.. I can see his vocab just slightly diminish, and I can see more of a linear thought..more of a roughdraftish type. And mechanics wise, you were sort of outshone, in some parts. That's why I bring it up because it's SUCH a big factor. Because, typically most people can set up verses decently, but this is split 8, the dude has improved over the past year, really, and has wowed me to some effect. This was actually one of TMA's better verses. - concept wise. I read it, thoroughly and enjoyed it, really I did, and the actual content, was stellar, but I felt it was stringed a long, sort of...lackadaisically? it wasn't bad, I just felt you didn't really focus on the gut of the verse in this area, the last two lines were good in that area, the beginning was particularly strong. Whereas split sort of remained consistent the whole battle. I know typically I shouldnt really address this, since well, I'm the off-the-wall type, and typically some of my verses have a sort of start,stop, go, long, short sense that can turn people off. This didnt have that though, it just lacked a inner depth of mechanics in the most important, and explanatory part of the verse.
Split eight. Now you had a decent story. You almost kinda made me roll my eyes, but you didnt overdo it. You had more of a, rooted verse, where whatever person reading, whether it be someone the initial character looks up to, or someone that is giving guidance. Your wording, was, dope. And I just-re-read it and this part was woven so neatly it just made me wince.
I'll cast my decision here, and keep breaking down verses, as I don't want anyone skimming through just to see what I casted, rather than waste their precious time reading (split 8.)
I bottled a quart for the tenth of the blood that you bled.
invested remorse in morality's debt. slobbered on teeth,
vengeance is sweet. saccharine stench. noxious to breathe
again and again, like smog in the streets. the cough on my breath.
I'm their savagery, dreamt, as they slumped in their seats:
the sepia tone that wept into stupors like Damocles' dreams-
greedy, and gold, it's seldom complacence will fold with sutures of fur-
that was stellar, very veryy good. I liked the word usage of stupor, cause that word is very frequent in texts mentioning Damocles. Heh. What a doozy!
Highlighted from veritas verse, you can see certain underlying difference between splits mechanics and his mechanics, and here they are.
"In a flash, Socrates was back in the cold and rain, and was returned to his pain of life
He now smiled and purred in contentment as the universe turned off his strain of light
In his final breath he had discovered the greatest secret that was hidden amongst the ages,
It was that the human beings were in fact the prisoners, but they just lived in bigger cages"
This is what I'm referencing. The longer more drawn out sentences told just as much as you could have done in shorter refined sentences, imho. Also the ending had (though drawn out very well) a bit of a cliff. It almost left me hanging, but it didn't. But then it came back and struck me, and it did. But then, it didnt again. Why? Reason being is that, this was just a thought, a concept in time. The chronological period went from the life span of the tiger, from almost a decade, to then randomly just ceasing to exist internally. Why? Why wouldnt you expand on that particular reason? Why the sudden timehop? Like I said in objectives verse, if he had coupled this in, it wouldve made a stellar verse, regardless of mechanics, or consistency (though you displayed that here.) i don't want you to think you were outclassed. You weren't..really, at all. And you may re-read your verse very proud and wondering why I voted against you. It wasnt because you're not a decent writer, it's because you are. Split 8 remained in an almost off kilter consistency, and thank god he did. He went with more depth in the words of his trivia, rather than the concept he delivered. What a cool battle with opposing points of view. Good luck guys. This was good, and if I can do it, the LOTB was definitely tma's closer.
:-)