I don't know if it's how I read it, but I tend to read the commas as pauses when I read text (shout outs @
trap. for always badgering me about that). It tends to disturb the flow for me, actually, when reading and takes a little away from the scheming and flow because it can't build up a cadence or implied rhythm as it's read - it's almost stop/start with those pauses:
Some would try to use a gun, but he isn't scum, just drunk and shy
He begs for change, with a subtle sign claiming he's dumb and blind
Above, the sky has come alive, and he hates that the sun can shine
While he lays to waste, and craves the taste of some rum or wine
This section especially described what I mean the best. The first line, with the "but he isn't scum," makes it feel pretty long winded with those commas for pauses (even when it really isn't). The same thing happens in the third line with the "the sky has come alive" but additionally - the pause after that "Above," followed by "the sky" leaves a gap between the multies that doesn't line up perfectly for me when I read it. I mean, I can see what you're doing, but the pause is throwing it off rather than it flowing naturally.
And prays that love will find a way to save his troubled mind
He waits for grace to display the rays that will break his sullen binds
And the rage that he keeps encased, in case its slumber dies
The drunkard spies his face in a puddle, grayed with sunken lines.
This section is a lot cleaner, in fairness, and reads better to me from a flow perspective. A lot better than the stop-start of the four before it. Kudos.
Just my opinion, of course, for what it's worth.
Keep that pen moving!