a top-notch showing Lars, this verse was definitely championship caliber.
I thought it was a really clever take on the pic, it is not where my mind went at all so it was nice to see such a different approach. You also pulled it off extremely well.
Stylistically, I've always been a fan of your approach to writing. The sarcastic, punny, borderline corny witticisms really appeal to me as a writer, as I also enjoy that particular style.
In terms of flow, you write multi's effortlessly and they rarely-if-ever feel like your word choices were forced to fit the rhyme. Many people (myself included) sometimes end up with awkward turns of phrase in order to make the rhyme work. You never really seem to fall into that trap.
In addition, you carry 5-7 syllable multis for four lines (sometimes more) with a naturalness that is what I wish more writers would strive for. I know multi's aren't everything, but at a high-level of writing, they are very important imo.
You also have this ability to take your multi, after four or so lines, and continue that multi at the beginning of the next line as you transition to a different multi. A couple examples...
Aunt Flow has arrived — and she’s vying for blood.
It’s that time of the month where no matter how high you can jump,
it won’t quite be enough.
Deciding to run your loved one a warm soapy bath
is a war zone to navigate with hormones attached.
the 'deciding to run' makes the transition from one multi rhyme to another seamless.
You’re cast in a full-blown Period Drama so don’t act off script
If there’s a thin line between love and hate, it’s a tampon string.
In fact conflict is where she always excels
this was the one rhyme where the multi felt a little off to me, act off script/tampon string is a bit of an off-rhyme, though I know that with your accent it probably works better. Plus, having the "in fact conflict" at the beginning of the next line helps overall with the structure and even to my north american reading makes it go more smooth.
Lots of good little wordplays and flips, such as "rags to a bull" and the "bath bomb/fireworks" flip. Also this couplet was nice
If you’re at odds, don’t get even.
She’ll roll over leaving you the cold shoulder treatment, even though she’s heated.
the odd/even and cold shoulder/heated dichotomies were used to good effect. the fact that you had
don't get even/roll over leaving/cold shoulder treatment/though she's heated
as a multi in two lines... inners and multis incestuously intertwined. dopeness.
Overall, this would have been a tough verse to beat, and as I said in my predictions in the mag, you have "solidified your spot in the pantheon of topical gods" lol.
Thanks for the read, it's got me motivated to try and write better next week.
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