Even now my mind’s still on her. She was from Barcelona
Auburn hair, hazel eyes. Camel by the carton smoker
She had me part and parcel. Dropped me off departing cargo.
This kind of baggage casts a shadow that won’t let my heart go
I’m digging the start, I personally would have made the “minds still on her” a multi off the Barcelona/carton smoker also. I think it would flow better that way, but I’m fine with the opening two lines. There’s a slight bit of imagery to the second but the carton smoker was the best of the bunch to that opening segment - it said what it had to without being so direct. The shadow idea was a cool tie-in to the picture somewhat, I enjoyed that. I think you opened well enough.
It skips to hear the beat play. Frozen at the replay
My mind rewinds as memories remix with father time the dj.
I wasn’t as big a fan of this one with Father Time the DJ in truth, I see entirely why you attempted it as a tie-in to the image on the wall and them partying etc but this particular one felt slightly more of a reach (to me). I’m not knocking it though.
Lights shine at night time, hips greet melodies with a slight whine
The whole world seems aglow but that might be the white wine
Heh. I’m a fan of injecting some comedy and lighthearted moments into these things, it’s a rather under-utilised element to these storytelling leagues IMHO. I see you though.
Streets glistened with a hint of rain. It was the fifth of May.
Maybe two months in, a foreign visitation trip to Spain
Family hosting told me I should see the sights inside the city.
The Basilica was beautiful. But the girl I saw in front was twice as pretty.
The last line was a nice idea, set up well with the Basilica being beautiful, if anything it’s slightly too long (too many syllables) for it to have come off as cleanly as I would have liked - but conceptually that was a nice little back and forth play. You’re showing your punchline-esque experience there.
Reviewed my notes from Spanish as I tried to ask her name.
But I had slept through every class so I crashed and burned in flames
She laughed and told me she’d been hoping to speak English more
She turned and asked me for my story as the storm began to pour
I see the story progression here has shifted your focus somewhat from what proceeded it, the lines before were more showman like and braggodocious - which I liked - this section felt like a change of tact somewhat to bring the storyline back to the fore and focus it more on where it was heading, there’s a definite shift around this moment - good or bad - but this is very different from the lines that proceeded it. It’s almost like you slept on it at that point and decided on another route from your initial train of thought.
Forgot that we forgot our umbrellas, as we opened up
Sheltered by the awning of an open karaoke club
She asked if I was thirsty. I said yes, our steps were hurried.
The cloud began to clear just as my mind became a little blurry
This is more of the same here, I see the attempt at pushing the story along but you’ve lost that initial finesse and added flourish that you started with here. It’s not bad, just noticeably different in its execution and how it’s delivered from those opening lines. There’s no more clever plays, the comedies gone, the punchline-esque quality I was enjoying has dissipated somewhat. It’s not bad, don’t get me wrong, it’s just different. Way different.
She said she’s headed to restroom
Father time adjusts the needle.
Despacito plays while the senoritas dance flamenco
Cool.
Smiling in the moment. No, I haven’t felt the panic yet.
I look over and she’s smiling. While HIS hand in on her breast.
That haunting melody plays ever slower.
Feel like I’m floating. Is that the floor or ceiling getting closer?
I felt this final section was written quickly and rather hurried, it lacked the resolution I would have liked, I was expecting a lot more after the high standard you set the bar at in those opening lines but slowly and surely it’s tapered off until we come to the finale and we’re left with an underwhelming feeling of wanting more - either in the way of resolution of in character development and their personal growth or something between the two. Instead I got neither, really? Maybe with more time you would have fleshed it out further and done more with it. As it stands, it lacked something, a lot of something, but that’s largely to do with the entire final third etc where you may have rushed to get you’re in before the deadline that was fast approaching.
It’s all love.
Much respect.
@
fraze