[sral]

Johnny couldn’t wait to get high: The probation officer monitored his ankle bracelet, behind the drapes and the blinds
Destination-less sirens, serenaded and whined: the squad cars lights made, Johnny dizzy, as he vomited on the city, while he surveillanced for crime


I liked the very first “Johnny couldn’t wait to get high;” opening sentence. It was brief, it had some intrigue as to what was meant by it, it could be applied to him sat atop the street sign etc. It felt a lot more directly applicable to the image than I felt with BH’s piece. “Destination-less sirens serenaded and whined,” was cool. I obviously see the multi use from a technical standpoint, there are points where it works very well and still remains quite natural sounding but both the “drapes and the blinds,” and “surveillanced for crime,” end rhymes here read awkwardly. In trying to maintain the higher technical difficulty, you’re also losing a little of the conversationalist tone you’re trying to speak with as a writer (to the reader) and if you could find a way to strike more of a balance between those two things it would make this stronger IMO.

The scalding pavement was dehydrated & dry… until Johnny threw up, intoxicated & blatantly lied, like meter maids to drivers, traffic violations & fines

I enjoyed “scalding pavement,” but not dehydrated and dry, again I see why you’ve attempted it - I just don’t think it’s the best decision to try and carry over this over-arcing rhyme scheme. It’s okay as a sort of flex as a ‘look what I can do,’ type deal but having to read this in a topical story mode it kind of takes me out of the story itself a little as I’m finding myself gradually paying more attention to your rhyme scheme than I am the story itself unfolding. It’s not the main event that has my attention here, but the sideshow, you know? It’s distracting and my attention is being pulled away from the verse itself. Now, I can say all this because for the longest time I attempted something similar. I was using up punctuation in the same places to try and emphasise the rhymes and etc just like I see you doing now. I didn’t realise at the time but each of these little things were actually doing more harm than good in a sense… the commas after the rhymes create a slight pause after them when read, which can break up the flow because they become more start-stop and stuttered. You may not read it like that, and neither did I, but there are definitely some folks out there that do and that’s worth paying more attention to. Write it with your audience in mind.

The crowd looked on annoyed & vengeful: as Johnny pointed to the window, like the sniper deployed to kill folks who pose a threat to their safety confines
A young lady waved “Hi!” before she made it inside—shutting it down and locking it down like New York City did before the contagion arrived [...]

I liked the scheme switch in the opening here, those “oy” hard sound rhymes can be difficult to keep up. I wasn’t a fan of the shutting it down/locking it down, felt something different could have been used there, but I like the introduction of this contagion if that’s the route this is going in.

The Mayor declined to comment. He blocked it out, but his ears rung continuous, buzzing with the belligerence of hundreds of high strung citizens.
Johnny became numb with indifference, as the city became, overrun with lividness: Johnny cracked open his dozenth, sipping it, till he was under the influence
He looked into the New York night
As the task force lined up, with horses that bite and all of their might, the street corners were tight, people were cornered and tight.
As the crowd fought for their rights: Johnny opened a Coors Light, as the police sirens got blue, like the mountain label, watery bright


This as a more solid section, the opening line about the Mayor was well done, I personally wouldn’t have used “corners were tight/cornered and tight” as they’re far too similar to one another but whatever, that’s just me. The sirens got blue like the mountain label was a dope tie-in used here, not so sure about ‘watery bright’ immediately afterwards as I felt that seemed tacked on almost like an afterthought really to make the rhyme but overall I enjoyed this.

Cars honking their horns, as he swallowed the alcohol and started to fall, asleep to the awful applause like the orchestra at Carnegie Hall

I think you could have done without the comma after “fall” here without it being an issue. The rhyme placement is dense enough that people could follow what was being done without it needing highlighting, Carnegie Hall was a nice tie in too there. I didn’t overlook that.

People were appalled and stalled: People were wall to wall. Johnny saw the long arm of the law, as the ankle bracelet went off like a car alarm

The repetition of “People were…” seemed an odd choice here, I felt the second one could have just required a slight tweak and still made it workable without the repeated words used.

He barfed on and on, like a river of sewage, the noise & window pollution was dismal and druid, people felt belittled and ruthless.

I wasn’t so keen on this one, in truth, the wording and writers voice switched to a more sort of immature tone, the rhymes themselves felt clunky and awkward, and they really don’t push the storylines narrative forward at all, they’re just kind of… there, you know?

The militant movement sent a ripple effect through the sewers that could be felt by the alligator and the hideous mutant. [...]


PLEASE TELL ME WE AREN’T GOING SOME BROKEN HALO ROUTE HERE?!?!

The patrolling cops, patrolled the over-loaded block, circled around and drove the swat to the helicopter that roamed and watched,
as Johnny opened another Rolling Rock

“Patrolling cops, patrolled” is another no from me, personally, I’m afraid. We know they patrolled. They were patrolling, you told us, two words before. It’s just unnecessary and not warranted at all. I don’t mean to nitpick over these things but I feel like eradicating them from your game would be simple to do and improve your game even more. It’s sort of frustrating for me to be able to read this knowing what you can do and see these minor flaws, because that’s what they are. Easily fixed with a revision or read over once you’re done with it. It feels to me like you just write what’s coming to mind first and then create this almost snowball effect of rhymes where you’ll carry it on as long as you can, which is kind of cool on a stream of consciousness keystyle sort of vibe I guess, but I’m looking for more an honed sword sort of approach where you sharpen your blade to forge it into a weapon, you know? Stuff like this makes me feel like we’re not seeing a fully fledged Frank yet. This is you at only maybe 3/4’s of your capabilities.

The commotion got Johnny spinning like approaching spotlights, as he blacked out and regained consciousness: totaled and sloshed
“I’m hung over! I'm zonked!” Johnny spilled his beer on the curb: the faint scent/smell of rubber peeling off: officers steering to swerve
People concealing their herb: Johnny throwing up: people veered from the hurl, as he cracked another Steel Reserve, with his heel on his turf.
“4:30 To 6 P.M
NO RIGHT WHEELED TURNS”

I’m not so keen on the totalled and sloshed or hungover I’m zonked rhymes, in truth, again for reasons previously stated so I don’t feel a need to go over those again here, but I did like the lead into the No Right Wheeled Turns (even if the rhyme is off to me, as I’ve seen you do a few times actually throughout this and hadn’t touched on yet). Not great, not bad, somewhere in between really for me. I’m caught between being able to appreciate the attempt at the rhymes being so dense and frequently occurring but then sort of not being drawn in by a lot of the content or storyline unfolding as there’s large passages where it feels like little is developing here. The character of Johnny is little more than a sketch in the carnival of rhymes happening, not fully developed or fleshed out, much of the same problems as I also had with Brokenhalo’s verse actually I find. It’s only fair to him I also point out that flaw here with yours too, as both verses are similar in that regard.


Johnny Walkers father made moonshine on the outskirts of some small town in some rural setting.

The ‘some small town in some rural setting’ is pretty vague lol, but okay I guess. This is Johnny Walker you’re describing and I get that now, though I’m quite unfamiliar with him aside from knowing of the drink with his name.

At the end of the prohibition era: he moved his family to the big city to pursue his profession
Johnny come from a big family of drinkers, from Louisiana to Memphis, he grew up truth telling and bootlegging
“First you take the drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes YOU.” He said, proof checking—

I get that you’re trying to build up backstory here but there were a LOT of syllables between those end rhymes in this section, those lines were long and wordy and drawn out before you got to the end rhymes. Try to keep it short and succinct.

Johnny's ankle bracelet started sounding like a garbage truck backing up with the chute revving—As people threw trash at the recruit and lieutenant
Johnny drank another Pabst Blue Ribbon, as the red and blue sirens showed up on the brews reflection, each sip, more cooler and refreshing
New Yorkers booing the President, while others voted for number 45: others revolted and rioted, until the city smoldered and died
The people chose sides: as Johnny rose up and spoke his mind: the crowd lifted him up above their shoulders onto the lamp post sign

I’m not as familiar with American history to know how relevant a lot of that is, but the crowd lifting him up onto the lamp post tied in nicely with the image itself. A few lines here again felt a little over-wordy in terms of the sheer amount of syllables used before the end rhymes, the length of your lines seems to be creeping upwards slowly but surely as this continues, I get the sense you were working towards deadline around this point and had less and less time to edit things down or revise what you had so there’s less attention been paid to keeping the line lengths short or the internal rhymes as frequent as was seen early on. Both points are noticeable here to me.

Stoic: he opened a Colt 45, as his Parole Officer opened the blinds and saw Johnny from the 12th floor through a telescope of eyes.

Not keen on the description of a telescope of eyes in truth.

The Parole Officer closed the blinds, grabbed a remote and fired a signal into the ankle bracelet, that he could feel go up his spine—
Composed and reclined—The cities glamour and glitz shined like the 9 millimeters in twilight!
Swigging liters of the Miller High Life: Breathalyzers on the Policeman's side, like heaters in a drive by [...]
Some got fired, others retire before their corrupted by their higher ups and other cops are just and admired.
Some tuck in their wires and others are thugs for hire: Johnny drank it all in, like Budweisers
Rubber tires, dumpster fires, the ruckuses choir, the disruptive violence, the busted hydrants, the cops and the crowds,
Johnny blocked it out: opened an Icehouse, and plopped down, with the bird’s eye view: pigeons flocking around...
“I’m a lightweight!” He said, as he clonked out, and everything got slurred. Johnny stood up like King Kong and shouted absurd:
“Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world!” As the cops merged, the helicopters purred.

There’s a lot happening here, but it also feels like a whole lot of nothing to me at the same time. I can’t lie. The best of this here is probably “Johnny drunk it all in,” which almost has the double meaning of him drinking in the atmosphere of it all. There’s a lot I’m not so keen on, much of which I’ve already alluded too throughout, but I’ll add the description of “helicopters purred,” to that too. I really don’t think that description fits right for me.

[...]
[...]
[...]
Johnny was a big drinker, he had to have had lot of nerve to climb up there, like that, with the riots clashing
Nobody drove Johnny to drink, but they sure had to drive him back, from that Island Manhattan. . .
They say his hangover was like lighting. I don’t think I’ve drank enough beer to understand that wisdom. . .
Johnny wasn’t an alcoholic. Johnny was a drunk—as you can see, there is a vast difference

I feel this has a lot of the same issues, the rhymes are less dense than early on, only appearing at the end of (ever-elongated) lines that feel drawn out and overly wordy. The last in that little quatrain was as probably the most poignant here though, almost like a four bar setup to get to that punch but with the end rhymes feeling tacked on somewhat. I see NYC do this a lot also, almost like the rhymes are a late afterthought. That’s never the case for the way I write, just an observation I’ve picked up on while reading through. Overall I felt like while this was perhaps technically proficient and arguably a level above BH in terms of sheer ability, consistency, and perhaps a direction that I preferred… it never really felt like it went anywhere, in truth, and more so just loosely fit the topic somewhat with occasional references here and there that helped tie it in and cement it into the topic provided. It was clearly interwoven into the fabric of its topic, but, ultimately I didn’t feel invested in the character or his history and the journey. It just kind of… was there. It didn’t move me and I really felt it lacked an emotional edge to give it true purpose beyond being more than a flex to a picture topic. It feels hollow. It’s a difficult one to explain. I guess BH was better in terms of originality and creativity if you want to think of it like that, he went more left field and out of the box with it (probably too far off on a tangent in my honest opinion), but Frank definitely showed he was a better writer overall.