v LARS but CLOSE
Soule
STORY-wise pretty well-done & impactful. Palpable tragedy, & based on the pieces I’ve read from Soule he has that ability to “shock” the reader with content or disturbing narrative… He told a more “pure” story, where Lars went more “in-summation” about his content…
Also love the “screenplay-like” Time/setting stamps & descriptions… Well done Soule, can tell you’ve done this before.
There were a couple spots? Or, hiccups where I thought the lines didn’t have quite the impact that some before or after had.
NOTHING big…just when compared to a polished long-time vet; makes me lean towards the term “efficiency”, WHEN IT’S CLOSE, & 2 TIE VOTEZ, etc…
Moving on,
He quickly realizes he's alone, lays on his bed to rewind the day that's passed,
hits play with a smile on his face, winning a game of Dodgeball in gym class.
If you want the nitty-gritty nitpicks / (FRIENDLY PERSONAL SUGGESTIONS, lol.) you’re gonna get’em if my vote is to be any longer than Dope Girl’s, or some others:
I just am “not loving” that word “gym” there phonetically or syllabically…I see the internal of a “him” down on the line below, but I have a nerd suggestion to change that line as well…but, I don’t even have a great suggestion: my only fix would be to take it out and just say “Dodgeball in class”. (Let the reader infer that it was gym).
During lunch, his friends and him watched videos as they grinned and laughed,
Slight grammar issue with the “him watched” (which is excusable IF it improved the line execution-wise, but IMO it doesn’t soooo, something like: “During lunch, he and his friends watched videos as they grinned and laughed,” (Both “ands” on either line (yours or mine) have the “ability” to be “’n’”s or “&”s, however the reader wants to string it syllabically.
and the girl he likes smiled in the hall...
he didn't say a word, but that smile was like Church Glass.
Not loving the simile here…”glass” is a nice rhyme, I just think: if you thought about it there’s gotta be a more impactful/ still-rhyming simile. right?...or scratch it & just talk about how “precious” the smile was, or “memorable” & rhyme those words if ya want…or close it…not sure…
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Lars
Interesting how you went somewhat “woke”:
Anti-Black/Brown & anti-Native discrimination Vs. White privilege.
I think you pulled the tone off quite well, without it being overbearing or sounding like “fake-activist”…sounded pretty genuine and historically backed…basically the whole way through. Nice job…except, if I had to nitpick one:
Our skin dark as the finely roasted powder brought in on the wagons
while his pigment had ran as pure and white as the milk that he added.
Alright, this is a double-edged sword right? Cuz it’s a a longgg simile but it ALSO explains ingredients/how the bars are made. Lol. So in that sense it’s creative…it’s just that as a reader I kinda felt a longggg simile comin’ and I was just thinking “Get to the end Lars; I got it.”…Ha, perhaps not so much as a reader, but as a fellow writer…So take the Lime advice of me seeing a lot of you w/ a grain of salt; just think I want more “crispness” in a comparison/simile/metaphor; that’s all. Plus I didn’t think the multi was “as”tight as the usual Lars dopeness.
Also was borderline “low expectations” -- the line about "being sold in stores only whites can afford"…but hey, income inequality & stolen wealth of 4 centuries can be about as broad as one wants; for any particular inequity…
Moving on,
Also loved how towards the end you did not neglect a quick summary of the movie-lore children characters, and a bit of a compliment towards Charlie’s character/work ethic.
-a far more literal take on the picture
But that’s NOT why you’ve got my vote this week (in a close one)…
V Diablo in a general summary vote. For
-overall crispness / efficiency / technical details
-creative flip on the darkside of Wonka Vs. tragedy story (though very well done Soule, props:)
[Maybe it’s personal preference, Soule…I’ve seen a lot of Lars’ writings and only 3 of yours (unless I’ve seen old nicknames of yours in past)…meaning, while where you each “went” with the topic does play a part in personal preference, I would try not to use that as the deciding factor in final voting]…
Your verse had many highlights (&a more pure story; props.)-- I just thought his verse was more efficient and packed from start to finish.
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