Netcees - View Single Post - ROUND ONE: (6)Soulstice vs. (R)uh-oh - (UH-OH WINS 9-5)

zygote · 01-16-2014, 08:45 AM

Soulstice, pretty tangential relation to the topic picture, but it made sense to compare the seemingly endless road to this fantasy world.There was also a very strong command of language to match your scene setting. Little phrases like - "they held excellent favor" are just really cool for immersion into this world you are creating. It's also nice how you are creating the scene by focusing on the smaller details. It was like the reader was being taken on a tour of this world, by first riding along with a bird, then the rat and then the water. It was a cool device to take us along like that rather than just simply describing everything. Enjoyed different instances of metaphor stuff too like the "because the game of money and power can never be won" part to compare the endless maneuvering of politics in your story to the endless road.

Uh-oh, the main character seems a little bit like a winter version of the Captain America character from the movie Easy Rider. Here there was also this man on his motorbike who rejects the social norms in exchange for freedom - the whole part from 'American to the core' up to 'they don't know what warm is' was like a cool patriotic counterculture thing. Good description of this mountain-man character, and it's a good character study, not much of a storyline, but that's OK because that clearly wasn't your intention to make some huge plot, just to show this character and use him to give a bit of social commentary. Perhaps you could have done a bit more though in that regard, the middle section could have been filled out with some more examples to really drive everything home. While the single rhyme scheme was impressive technically, maybe it lessened your ability to really get into it by adding another section or something. It left a big length difference between the two submissions. Also really really enjoyed the ending, loved how the last line is about animals foraging rather than the character. It was a good comment on the strength of collective nature vs morality of a single human. Voting for uh-oh.

01-16-2014, 08:45 AM	#4
zygote Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 502 Battle Record: 33-12 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Art of Writing League (3x) Rep Power: 737825	Soulstice, pretty tangential relation to the topic picture, but it made sense to compare the seemingly endless road to this fantasy world.There was also a very strong command of language to match your scene setting. Little phrases like - "they held excellent favor" are just really cool for immersion into this world you are creating. It's also nice how you are creating the scene by focusing on the smaller details. It was like the reader was being taken on a tour of this world, by first riding along with a bird, then the rat and then the water. It was a cool device to take us along like that rather than just simply describing everything. Enjoyed different instances of metaphor stuff too like the "because the game of money and power can never be won" part to compare the endless maneuvering of politics in your story to the endless road. Uh-oh, the main character seems a little bit like a winter version of the Captain America character from the movie Easy Rider. Here there was also this man on his motorbike who rejects the social norms in exchange for freedom - the whole part from 'American to the core' up to 'they don't know what warm is' was like a cool patriotic counterculture thing. Good description of this mountain-man character, and it's a good character study, not much of a storyline, but that's OK because that clearly wasn't your intention to make some huge plot, just to show this character and use him to give a bit of social commentary. Perhaps you could have done a bit more though in that regard, the middle section could have been filled out with some more examples to really drive everything home. While the single rhyme scheme was impressive technically, maybe it lessened your ability to really get into it by adding another section or something. It left a big length difference between the two submissions. Also really really enjoyed the ending, loved how the last line is about animals foraging rather than the character. It was a good comment on the strength of collective nature vs morality of a single human. Voting for uh-oh.