[Split]

lol

Soulstice

Cool verse. Not my place to speculate, but it seems like you slapped the first and last stanzas onto a verse about a desert kingdom. You didn't talk at all about the wickedness outside the walls, or mention the snow, or frame it in a conceivable way in any sense


The writing was vivid, good wording and great description. enjoyable read. but the topic doesn't connect in any meaningful way. Idk I feel like that is supposed to be the HEART of any verse and is what lets unequal opponents meet on a level playing field

your (in my opinion) neglect of the topic except a passing acknowledgement actually left you worse off than if u rushed a redo that paid full attention , even if you did write masterfully onsomething almost unrelated

I guess that snowmobile path up the mountain could be seen as a wall

But lol. For all intents and purposes, you were like "aaaaand here's the topic. but if you look directly in the opposite direction, here's what I really wanna talk about for the next 40 lines......

...

The End

P.S. Turn around. wass good topic???? glad ur still there!"


whack. even if u didn't repurpose a verse just to win on the merits of being a better writer.

I don't even wanna break ur shit down.

But I will. I'll assume that u DID write this to the topic, and that there is some passing significance between this desert society ruled by murderers and the barren snowforest like 0.5 miles north


I think you should have spent the meat of your verse incorporating your topic, which in this case would be (one possibility) handing backwards compliments to the solitude of the arctic wasteland.. comparing the "good" of society (just means for exploitation) to the "evil" of hermitude, which would really just be the unforgiving cold of facing the world alone

I also would lend more significance to the wall, to the divide between the desert/ tundra, and perhaps address these issues somehow in the peoples lives

it seems to me they're not even passingly aware there's a giant fucking wall preventing them from leaving their giant ass piece of shit Dubai imposter interment camp

lol no hate, you're a dope writer... just any way I look at this it seems lazy



might be just me



uh-oh


lol, thought it was dope how u mentioned how the dude was being mad american by not trying to be super american. and how he is so american that america is foreign.

Thought the "warm is/ norths wind" section was murder for flow and all that.. you should definitely try tougher rhymes (not like gigantic multis but like rhyming words in cool ways). or mix em up more. But i dig the flow you got.

I like how after he dies, no one gives a fuck, and thats cool. Gods part the sky and just say word. he lived and died. It pretty much embodied ur whole piece, like "im doing what I do because I do it, and when I die ill stop doing it" which seems like the theme to your boarding personality haha

just be careful about not coming fresh w/ stories cause i can see this getting old if u dont step outside yourself. but yeah, that and better schemes would elevate you shittons w/out a ton of attention, you got potential to write dope pieces

also its pretty rare that people go the direct route/ dont talk about some fantasy universe, so its refreshing



decision

Soulstice had much more precise writing and stronger delivery, better mechanics, but his storytelling was bleached cornhole. Uh-oh was rough around the edges, but enjoyable to read/ easy to digest as well. Uh-oh also had a much stronger approach, even if Soulstice had written in a lot more details about the cities/ people/ desert you can't see cause they're hidden by a mountain road that was laid on top of the mountain the poor desert nomads built to keep themselves in the fucking desert away from resources and prosperity. But the road over the goddamn mountain wall totes doesnt imply that you can, you know. easily walk over the wall. but who was tunnels?


Uh-oh easily

good match