I figured you both may like this one; leaning slightly towards Aero’s penchant for stocks and shares and tapping into a market he purportedly knows well while still leaving a lot to work with for Dominate who’s proven himself really adept for being able to take a given topic and flip it on its head somewhat. Let’s see what you guys did with it…
Dom: I’m glad you found the time to put something up, this was far better than I had imagined after your early post in the thread on available writing time. I thought this was a strong submission, perhaps the character of Jenny could have been developed further to ensure the reader was invested in what happened to her throughout the story as it unfolded but ultimately I’m also aware the line limits almost force your hand somewhat into forgo some of that in order for you to introduce them into the story early on in order to progress things along. I’m not hating. Lol. The writers voice here is superb, the dialogue and so forth is short, snappy and to the point, but it’s more than just that - this is very well written. The introduction of Prosperity Inc is fire (and I enjoyed its name also, that didn’t escape my notice don’t worry). The small things are all done exceptionally well with things like “Doubt gnawed at her confidence,” that says a great deal with so few words. It isn’t just a description of the events happening but one with great word choices and unique turns of phrase that make them standout when read. This was great from top to bottom. I think Certain would enjoy this a lot. You two should battle actually, stylistically it would be a good clash.
Aero: This was entertaining for sure, with the little added twist at the end, and as someone that’s done this a long time I can honestly appreciate the more comedic take a lot because it’s often under-utilised in these types of things. I actually enjoyed the shorter lined style, I can honestly say that, and it’s again refreshing to see given the little subgenre we’re in. I liked the opening line of “You throat breeder,” actually since it’s a great attention grabber and makes the reader want to carry on to find out what’s elicited that reaction. You may not have even intended that to do as well as it does, it might not have even been intentional - but it works. From a technical standpoint you toyed with the multi syllables also and I noticed that throughout, both those internals and externals at points. For what it’s worth I enjoyed “I went vertical, you got vertigo” also and thought that was pretty good. The humourous twist at the end was cool, and unexpected, your largest problems this week were A) Adopting to a more narrative type of storytelling, B) Going so few lines when compared to your opponents fleshed out piece (This felt a little light on storytelling elements as a result) and C) Dominate has proven himself to be more than adept in this format.
I hope you both stick around because I feel Aero is more than capable of ironing his record outfit he continues to take part. This one had a clear winner for me though with Dom taking several different categories by a wide margin in terms of both his idea, writers voice and overall execution.
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