NYC- this piece could have been dope if you stayed with a consistent voice throughout, along with the better language choices you dropped here and there. I think the story was cool, but I felt like there were some wasted concepts that had promising dramatic character. For instance, the introduction of family on cards and the inclusion of negative reinforcement by family in his head. This could have had a backdrop drawn in throughout, or just abandoned altogether instead of causing random distraction. I also didn't like the on/off eloquent language you employed here. It kinda of confused me that you would go from slang to distinguished from one line to the next like you didn't know want lane to stay in. In character voice it's fine in order to add authenticity, but when the narrator is half urban, half upperclass, it gets confusing. IMO the rhyming was ornamental and average and the pacing was good, if it wasn't for the factors I mentioned. Overall, cool story and I hope you do more like it while applying yourself to the level people know of you. Good job.
Diode- interesting theory. I like this for the fact that it was consistent in language and fun to read. I'm not sure why reading words outside my vocabulary is fun, but it is. Your flow was confusing in the beginning because the pattern seemed to jump around at first, but then you got more comfy and focused on the content more I think. I enjoy science and readings about the universe so this had my attention. I was not blown away, but this drop was still pretty dope. Good job!
You guys didn't slack on delivering content, but there was a difference in the delivery. MVGT DIODE for the overall better written verse.
__________________
Ahem.
|