breathless - i did enjoy the fact you separated your verses tenses in halves to complement the slight changes in wording of the chorus'. however, i don't see anything in your verses content to coincide with this fact. but i'm looking. still.
thoughts as i read/wiki : lost opportunities, a prison of skewed self reflection.. understanding a point of no return has been passed. finding solace in adherence to principles. left alone, with yourself and decisions. /AND you would like to dine on marigolds, Calendula officinalis. native to europe, "rubber gloves" in British English, commonly used in greek salads and shit. idk. don't see any relation to content. felt it was needed.
quote..
brought down to earth, caught ground and burned,
livin' the big city life in a small town concerned.
If this is the shit we find when false doubts converge,
then I'm sick of what's been minimized and crossed out to purge.
your piece has ended up here. sounds great, in my honest opinion.so, with principles laid to waste and ignored.. you were left with a gritty ass slate. of your own making. and it basically sucks. that's all i can really pull from everything. i really tried looking deep. anyway. i liked how you worded a few things. like,
I had to watch this clock tick from analog to digital,
but I thought quick, and often, tried to plan it all traditional.
that was pretty f'n catchy. and this..
Been in the dog house, tryin' to get my thoughts out the fog clouds,
brought down to earth, caught ground and burned,
at the point i read "caught ground," i was definitely entertained. just like how that sounded. but ..
livin' the big city life in a small town concerned.
.. in my opinion, your verse/layout/rhymes call on that particular line to say more than it did. i do respect the fact living in a large city will lead you to making some decisions a smaller community might shun you for, but i really don't see anything specific allowing me to relate to this fact. (that's what i think would have helped this verse, as i understand it.)
you're worried about your decisions, and where you're at and it sucks.. but, what are you concerned about? your past life? i don't see anything to justify "concern" when you're perfectly aware of the circumstances which led to "the character's" grey outlook. you pretty much hit the feeling of the color on the head. i just think you could have gone much farther into an aspect of small town living. maybe, one that may lead to decisions that end in this state of mind being okay to repeat endlessly. as your verse suggests. but - for the record - i do think you hit the topic, head on.
/v PanCakeBrah- you know the saying, don't throw your name up, or you'll come back to see it again! that's some shit. the whole piece. i can just picture a smoked out dude sittin there in a two man working on his style on a gray wall. really like that concept. grasped onto it, imagined it easily. great piece, just from the feel of the verse and what i took from it at a glance i could give you the /v this week. but you really came through with some intricate lines...
like an aerosol fiend, free, sovereign, brash;
a student of Banksy's themes with a backlog racked
with the pain he'd seen; depressed, his coffee black
painting life on subway cabs to Mogwai tracks.
sounded great. related your characters experience and put it to some audio. some smooth shit btw. different from what i would have imagined the character listening to from my first read through the verse. i remember sitting there on on my bunk wishing i had something to do. something to mime .. something to create. this guy had it made. idk. all around you really fed me something i could believe in. a character i could grasp ahold of, chew on for a bit, make my own, and come to terms with. great job man, all around.
favorite lines...
and let go of sadness and the misused guile of his art,
picturing depth in joy, and he smiled in the dark.
|