sam- Your verse is a poor man's Frank verse. More basic, less Hollywood, less glitz, less production value. It's not bad at all. But it seems naked next to Frank's.
-Frank
I noticed you rhyme the same scheme over and over and over and over (like last week)...this makes a verse seem repetitive, repetitive, repetitive. I do the same, the same the same. But coupled with the high syllable count and with many words in each line trying to guide along a crystal clear story it really serves as a distraction and takes from the flow. I don't know why but this stood out to me more than the story itself did, thus i bring it to your attention.
Story had a good pace and was tidy and sure of itself. Good pic representation. I think in most weeks this strict story pacing, structuring, this formula if you will, is good enough.
V-Fra
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What is public must be legit, fit for average consumption, don't forget. What is private is handled by pirates, prying loose profits from prosthetics. To tell the difference between: first remain unseen with a steady breath and hope, then listen to the cracks in the wall with a stethoscope.
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