mvgt
Diablo
Diablo:
Excellent piece metaphor about a relationship turning sour, carefully playing between guitar/girl. Describes a journey from attraction to infatuation to destructive obsession to loss of self.
Quote:
|
If I ignored you at home, it struck a chord so bad — of course you snapped!
|
You tell a straightforward story with a journey from start to finish, from the meeting to being destroyed by the object of your affection or perhaps being driven to destroy yourself. Good use of free verse while keeping things a compelling read, and although there's been metaphor-object-like-girl before, it's not overdone.
Master Rock:
Nice story, talking about the struggles/fame/pressure, the highs and lows of the musical journey; I'm seeing drug use and self-destruction and, finally, redemption or at least convalescence.
Quote:
|
success's pressure is viciously forcing me to innovate
|
Solid story; all music stories tend to lean towards self-destruction, and although this one was a little more common of a theme (fame, spiral, etc.), it was all good.
Choosing:
Both did a solid job of conveying a narrative with at least some emotional resonance - if you've been in either situation, the piece will connect, and as I've been in both, it's hard to weigh this factor.
Diablo takes a slightly more detailed approach in depicting the relationship between the narrator and the guitar, which creates detail in the metaphor of a toxic relationship. It holds the metaphor throughout, and the sense of destruction and loss is rendered well. Immersive wording helps here, and the free verse style of the varied sentence structure gives it not just the dynamic rhythm a poem might want but also adds to the ebb and flow of the story itself.
Master Rock also gives a clear narrative arc, with a relatively abrupt and immediately-in-the-action portrayal of the truth of many famous experiences. The narrator's struggles and eventual redemption provide the reader with a good emotional journey; importantly (in my opinion), the redemption helps the emotional element connect even with people who haven't experienced this kind of struggle.
mvgt
Diablo, who swings a little harder here, with fewer mistakes across the pedantic stuff like grammar/syntax and a slightly more immersive piece.