[Coup]

MW- I notice a lot of strong masculine rhymes dominate this piece, giving it a pronounced, almost a lashing flow, as if one were reading a poetry piece...though this was more story driven than poetic in it's delivery. This whole piece read effortlessly and really did not have to read twice, though I did.

I did see some inner rhyme, but by and large the mechanics in this were pretty linear and one dimensional, giving that poetry read feel. I could not say this would sound hot on the mic because of these factors. Overall the mechanics were a bit lacking, but kinda made up for it in ease of writing/read and with the stuttering cadence by means of strong rhymes mostly at the end of each line.

This was an Orwellian tale of sorts, where some recent world event toppled and reduced the new world to a post apocalypse free for all. It is here we see a rebirth only for this short lived comfort to fall victim to a theme of history repeating itself...like a predator hunting prey, the newly established world crumbles to the more hungry, in turn creating their own fall out safety on the wave of more war over the limited materials. Yet again, life is endangered.

While I think you captured this well, I felt you gave jsut enough bare bone necessities to pick this out and left more to be desired. To me this serves as a abstract or a synopsis to a more thought out and a more dynamic tale, incorporating and expounding on what really happened. We did not get to meet anyone or get to see situational actions thus making a connection with a reader somewhat distant as we just observed from a mile away. This is the feeling I left with after two reads.

The strong point here is the ease of narrative and a fluid writing system to deliver the themes you wanted to give us. Props on that homie.



Witty-

In a contrasts of sorts to MW's piece, you had a more robost rhyme mechanic scheme going on, and I felt that instantly in the opening stanza. Good use of alliteration, exaggeration, internal rhyme and pacing with a myrid of different rhymes: feminine, masculine, multi's and slant. A well thought out opening to set up and give us just what we need to establish context, space and purpose.

I liked how you gave earth personification as if "she" was a person, and the humans her offspring or first born to deal with the threat. In this story, the fallen angels. A fitting plot to the picture, giving a representation of a dark moody and turbulent world on the brink. It was anyone's game or victory and the foreshadowing was put to good use with the somber imaging you gave us.

With that said, I think you could have gave us an outsider looking in type of character so we could bounce the knowledge we learned against while reading this. A sort of measuring stick whom has to learn as we do and see how he deals in this world oyu created. This could have added nice layering and literary deceives that may have impacted this piece inside out.

Good look on this.


A good first rounder

1+ Witty