Mike - So i loved the use of the topic. I mean you literally created a story from the photo and with good execution. One part I didn't like...
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Mike Wrecka
this city is like an organism, it has basically grown,
out of necessity, the recipe, has abrasively shown/
that the opulence of society, left it excessively prone,
to come crumbling down, so those left, aggressively comb/
the beaches, cause everything they need is in the sea,
|
The flow in the entire verse was good, but this section most notably, took me for a ride in a not so good way. There is just too many breaks in sentences spaced throughout multiple bars. I've never been a fan of this, but you did it quite a bit in this section, and again later on in the verse. It's disruptive for flow IMO because I'm reading the word 'Comb', I literally went and Googled it because it didn't make sense. Re-read, still didn't get it. Then after about 5 minutes in all, I proceeded on with the verse to realize it was a incomplete sentence, and the rest of the sentence was in the next line. Anyways, I thought the story it self was cool. You went very vivid and descriptive as far as the topic goes, and at the same time kept up on a story and basically just incorporated everything extremely well. Honestly, the quoted part is my only issue, everything else I enjoyed. Although I will say I feel like this was not your potential, I've seen you drop exponentially better, but this was decent.
Witty - I read your title so far, and I'm pumped. So you already have high expectations my friend, just saying. Damn...did not disappoint. The flow in this entire piece was smooth as scrotum before I go on Friday night..yaddimean? The story as a whole was intense, I think you packed quite a bit into what? 40 some lines? You went from a war, to emotional, to death then victory. You literally played a complete movie in my mind in a span of a few minutes. The imagery was on some other level as well, the 'rose' colored sky, the death in general...this...
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Witty
this city is like an organism, it has basically grown,
out of necessity, the recipe, has abrasively shown/
that the opulence of society, left it excessively prone,
to come crumbling down, so those left, aggressively comb/
the beaches, cause everything they need is in the sea,
|
This alone gave the verse meaning, you didn't just have a story, you explained why shit was happening. Then add the amazing line IMO 'Give breathe to breathe free' and you simply out did yourself.
Vote - Witty
So I knew coming in this would be pretty close because your styles are very similar. But IMO Witty was better marginally in every criteria I look for when voting. I think Witty took his time writing this, thought of where he was going to go, then executed extremely well with a goal in mind. I think if I could vote for verse of the year again, I would easily consider this, and it might win as far as my vote goes.