mike wrecka- enjoyed these lines, in particular.
to expand, towards the horizon, seeking, searching,
trying to unlock all mysteries, through teaching, learning/
they take care of each other, so while the weak are hurting,
everyone helps out, in a community, each is deserving/
i like the positive tone you used for this piece, opposite of what i expected tbh. even with the war and destruction of man, the focus on our strengths as humans, expecially focused on in that quote.. gave the entire piece a warm tone. kinda heartwarming. no homo.
"..launching harpoons from hot air balloons" was picturesque too.
as far as what i was left wanting, was some development of the aeonautics program. just because i particularly enjoy the subject in relation to your main theme. but leaving one wanting is never a bad thing when a story's fully developed. i enjoyed the rhymes, definitely some creative word choices throughout. maybe, matching up some beginning word sounds between lines could have helped change the scheme up a little bit. not that it wasn't good, but some assonance earlier on peppered throughout would have made the decision easier for me today. overall i was impressed by how effective you were sticking with the same tone and going different ways for an enjoyable story. nice piece.
witty - while reading through.. these two lines really stuck out to me man. amazing.
But the soldiers fight to the death hoping the demons will leave
Men sacrificing their breath to win the freedom to breathe
wow. well, i'm going to cut it short cuz i'm running out of time. but to put it simply, this was a fantastically powerful piece. the subject matter alone would be hard to contend with. excellent story line, but the rhyme's really brought it home. i'd start quoting but the entire piece is quotable. i'm fairly impressed. my favorite from you so far.
/v - witty. i was a little more taken with the story, and his hard hitting rhymes clenched it imo. both were definitely enjoyable pieces. hard decision.
|