VividlyVague: The reason I liked this so much is simple, you were able to approach each topic under a main thematic device. That device was rather like looking through the Steam library on my computer, from game to game - it definitely sounds like you've played some of the games I play. I enjoyed that it created a moral space that allows for video gaming to be the "father/son catch," and of course the irony of relationships maintaining their solidarity by creating and destroying each other's avatars in various virtual environments. Plus the rhyming was sickly throughout the majority of the piece. It's a nice strategy, to have the many-topic approach; each topic acting as a guide to help create coherence in what would be a rather random-sounding piece otherwise. That approach to the topic definitely worked well in this instance. Multple topics for me is always a great idea, because if it's done carefully, topics in the midst of verses can help pull the reader in and out of situations or scenarios. A good pace-setting device.
KingRa: Well man, this definitely feels and looks like someone just falling into the abyss, gradually - an inevitable death made manifest by karmic association, or something. Your character is like Job, or any character with luck problems... or Fate problems, if you will. This character definitely comes across as fated to suffer the end at some point during a long string of "ends" to life. The problems here are, some strange typos, some of the diction choices and writing style came across as lacking the kind of profundity one might expect reading a piece about karmic/fated/death etc. Nonetheless, you certainly do succeed in creating an environment in which the reader follows with empathy, despite how extreme the circumstance is - the endless fall into the abyss.
Vote: VividlyVague - the reasons are clear; over all a really colorful, interesting, and entertaining verse with some cool layers of depth and dope rhyming. KingRa would benefit here with a little time. Put some time in and perfect this piece and it might present itself better in the future.
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